This looks like an interesting new endeavor. I will be following it...
http://edsupport.deviantart.com/
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Loving
Being able to love again- is a greater step than I ever imagined it would be for me. Because loving myself, the person inside of me as well as the intimate body outside, trusting myself, my instincts, the man and his words, and accepting that I was indeed "good enough", were such huge leaps of faith....and required baby steps day after day... and the rewards of this love... seem endless.
Our relationships, when we are committing patterns of self abuse, can only be twisted or confused. Healthy relationships, like healthy minds and bodies though... are beautiful.
Merry Christmas to my friends.
Yes... a bit mushy isn't it?
Our relationships, when we are committing patterns of self abuse, can only be twisted or confused. Healthy relationships, like healthy minds and bodies though... are beautiful.
Merry Christmas to my friends.
Yes... a bit mushy isn't it?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Alive
I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful I can eat with joy and live with joy. I think those of us with Ed's understand that it is a slow form of suicide at times. It is a type of suicidal behavior that feels out of our grasp. Deciding you deserve to be alive, that you are worth being alive, and that you need food (and hallelujah fat on your bones!) to be a fully engaged member of society- is what is required to become non-eating-disordered-suicidal.
ALIVE- BE ALIVE. EAT.Live. Laugh. And Love YOURSELF. This holiday season.
ALIVE- BE ALIVE. EAT.Live. Laugh. And Love YOURSELF. This holiday season.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thanksgiving and giving thanks
Thanksgiving has passed,
and I am grateful to be here, alive, and surrounded by kindred spirits in my life, who understand who I am, love me for all my strengths and weaknesses, and encourage me to seek what I want to do with my life. Who do not judge me, but celebrate me. I am grateful that I have three unique and spirited children who are prospering. And I am grateful for each and every day that I have with them. I am grateful for a boyfriend who adores me and understands me, and when he does not understand me, invests endless energy and patience in "figuring me out".
I am grateful that I ate and enjoyed our Thanksgiving feast guilt free. That I savored it and allowed myself the decadent experience of eating without shame. I prepared food for the ones I love and great care went into the preparation of the food. And for once, I too enjoyed the product instead of merely watching others eat and making my primary concern the intricate act of serving others.
I am grateful for my ability to recover, to weather the hard times, and to be here today, smiling, strong and happy.
Life is good-- Living-- is good.
and I am grateful to be here, alive, and surrounded by kindred spirits in my life, who understand who I am, love me for all my strengths and weaknesses, and encourage me to seek what I want to do with my life. Who do not judge me, but celebrate me. I am grateful that I have three unique and spirited children who are prospering. And I am grateful for each and every day that I have with them. I am grateful for a boyfriend who adores me and understands me, and when he does not understand me, invests endless energy and patience in "figuring me out".
I am grateful that I ate and enjoyed our Thanksgiving feast guilt free. That I savored it and allowed myself the decadent experience of eating without shame. I prepared food for the ones I love and great care went into the preparation of the food. And for once, I too enjoyed the product instead of merely watching others eat and making my primary concern the intricate act of serving others.
I am grateful for my ability to recover, to weather the hard times, and to be here today, smiling, strong and happy.
Life is good-- Living-- is good.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
honesty
Recovery means a lifetime commitment to honesty
the ability to honestly assess your habits, your strengths, your behaviors and the path you are on every single day.
ED is always at the back door. Honesty is the ONLY way to keep him out.
the ability to honestly assess your habits, your strengths, your behaviors and the path you are on every single day.
ED is always at the back door. Honesty is the ONLY way to keep him out.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
for those suffering still tonight
My heart still breaks for those who still suffer. The cycle is vicious. And the outside world stands stunned and unable to understand the trap that we live in. I am grateful to live on the other side. And escape is complicated. It takes many many steps to get to freedom. Changing so many perspectives, aspects of your environment, your lifestyle, your behaviors.
So sad when I hear news of those who suffer to great depths.
We are complicated, and we hurt with this. Sometimes we hurt to a great extent that it seems unbearable.
You have to believe in a better way, in a better life, NOT JUST in a life without the eating disorder, but in a life where you are stronger, more confident, more competent, and more powerful. I have found in my own life that it does exist. I truly wish for my friends out there that their paths will continue towards that better life as well.
So sad when I hear news of those who suffer to great depths.
We are complicated, and we hurt with this. Sometimes we hurt to a great extent that it seems unbearable.
You have to believe in a better way, in a better life, NOT JUST in a life without the eating disorder, but in a life where you are stronger, more confident, more competent, and more powerful. I have found in my own life that it does exist. I truly wish for my friends out there that their paths will continue towards that better life as well.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Change takes time
Something I have learned about myself:
Change takes time....
My common M.O. is to go through something- and indeed as those closest to me know my life has brought to me a lot of "somethings"- and to simply pop up and say- "I'm all better now!" and the happier and more cheerful the voice, the better I feel and more I think I have accomplished. I pat myself on the back, I look for my silver lining quickly and I go a long the way.
But in reality, this past year, I have come to embrace the following:
that real change, is painful, it is slow, it is not easy.
Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes, you do have to go through more pain and more loneliness and more struggle until you feel better. Because emotions aren't pleasant, and feelings aren't always pretty. Just like WE aren't always supposed to be pleasant or pretty. And we have the right to take our time, to express ourselves and attempt to talk things out, and we have the right to be unpleasant or less than pretty at times.
And it's after you take the time, to feel and to hurt and sort through slowly and mindfully your experiences, that you will wake up one morning and the sun will be shining and you stretch your arms and then you can pop up out of bed and say truly, "wow, I am better, I feel good, and I KNOW WHY"
And it's different because you know why, and you are stronger, and you understand the path that you went down.
And that knowledge and that strength you gained, because you didn't take a short cut with your emotions, that's the real silver lining.
Change takes time....
My common M.O. is to go through something- and indeed as those closest to me know my life has brought to me a lot of "somethings"- and to simply pop up and say- "I'm all better now!" and the happier and more cheerful the voice, the better I feel and more I think I have accomplished. I pat myself on the back, I look for my silver lining quickly and I go a long the way.
But in reality, this past year, I have come to embrace the following:
that real change, is painful, it is slow, it is not easy.
Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes, you do have to go through more pain and more loneliness and more struggle until you feel better. Because emotions aren't pleasant, and feelings aren't always pretty. Just like WE aren't always supposed to be pleasant or pretty. And we have the right to take our time, to express ourselves and attempt to talk things out, and we have the right to be unpleasant or less than pretty at times.
And it's after you take the time, to feel and to hurt and sort through slowly and mindfully your experiences, that you will wake up one morning and the sun will be shining and you stretch your arms and then you can pop up out of bed and say truly, "wow, I am better, I feel good, and I KNOW WHY"
And it's different because you know why, and you are stronger, and you understand the path that you went down.
And that knowledge and that strength you gained, because you didn't take a short cut with your emotions, that's the real silver lining.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
All you need is love....
I am inspired by another blog (http://aprildamato.blogspot.com)to write this blog tonight:
I believe in love and it's transformational power. And a lot of recovery indeed hinges upon love.
Love of others, love by others, love of the world you live in, and love of yourself.
You must love your family and friends to recover. You must acknowledge that you are not being your best and giving them your best as a person with an Eating Disorder. You must love them so much you believe that they are worth more than the person and friendship they are receiving from you.
Love from others, unconditional, uplifting, nonjudgmental love is curative. Love that sees you as you are inside. Love that sees your strengths and is willing to ignore your weaknesses. Love that celebrates you for your true beauty as a human being is powerful. Being able to find the people who will love you that way and being open to that love is an important part of your life path to recovery.
Loving the world around you, so that you become a part of it, instead of holed up inside your head is also a part of recovery. Becoming positive about the world, and the people in it. Seeking a future in that world where you are an engaged and confident member of it, instead of being fatalistic and withdrawn and angry or scared of it, is also vital to recovery. You must see the beauty of the world and EAT of the world.
Finally, most importantly, you must be able to love yourself. You must realize that an eating disorder is self abuse, and that you are a person worth more than abuse. That you will shelter and protect and nurture yourself simply because you love yourself.
Loving you and loving me
Amy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzJ2NKp23WU
I believe in love and it's transformational power. And a lot of recovery indeed hinges upon love.
Love of others, love by others, love of the world you live in, and love of yourself.
You must love your family and friends to recover. You must acknowledge that you are not being your best and giving them your best as a person with an Eating Disorder. You must love them so much you believe that they are worth more than the person and friendship they are receiving from you.
Love from others, unconditional, uplifting, nonjudgmental love is curative. Love that sees you as you are inside. Love that sees your strengths and is willing to ignore your weaknesses. Love that celebrates you for your true beauty as a human being is powerful. Being able to find the people who will love you that way and being open to that love is an important part of your life path to recovery.
Loving the world around you, so that you become a part of it, instead of holed up inside your head is also a part of recovery. Becoming positive about the world, and the people in it. Seeking a future in that world where you are an engaged and confident member of it, instead of being fatalistic and withdrawn and angry or scared of it, is also vital to recovery. You must see the beauty of the world and EAT of the world.
Finally, most importantly, you must be able to love yourself. You must realize that an eating disorder is self abuse, and that you are a person worth more than abuse. That you will shelter and protect and nurture yourself simply because you love yourself.
Loving you and loving me
Amy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzJ2NKp23WU
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
About ending my EDA involvement
Recently I attempted to organize and facilitate EDA groups for my state, as readers will see in my blogs. I wanted to speak briefly about why I discontinued those. I found that my personal time and resources did not allow for me to support it in the way it needed to be supported. I found myself giving so much to the group, and very little to continuing my own development and the development of my new life. And I found aspects of the group interactions actually unhealthy for me and some group members. Once I made that last observation, I discontinued my involvement immediately- not wanting to be part of something that was non-optimal for others. I found that what had started as a truly spiritual type of awakening for many people, failed to continue to prosper in that direction without the proper structure to do so.
I have learned many things from this experience, and I feel others did as well. I am truly touched by the friends I made and (hopefully) the growth they experienced in our 6 months together in this social experiment. I am reflecting now on what we did together and the experience I had, especially the more intense and transformational aspects of the experience. I hope to find some meaning and wisdom to draw upon to inform future efforts and current practice of others.
Amy
I have learned many things from this experience, and I feel others did as well. I am truly touched by the friends I made and (hopefully) the growth they experienced in our 6 months together in this social experiment. I am reflecting now on what we did together and the experience I had, especially the more intense and transformational aspects of the experience. I hope to find some meaning and wisdom to draw upon to inform future efforts and current practice of others.
Amy
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Random Thoughts Of Late
Meal Plans May Be Forever....
As I am becoming more and more happy and growing into my body and accepting food. I do find myself from time to time stressed with the "new me" and the "new body". I remember though, that if I am essentially following "the meal plan", then I have that comfort that I am ok, I am doing what my body needs and it assures me that I am where I should be and it will take care of me in the end.
----------------------
Can an ED Recoverer Eat Bacon?
Yes, Virginia, they can. With faith, and trust and pixie dust. They can.
----------------------
How is the NEW BODY working out for you?
It is softer, it is womanly, the curves are in the right places, and my bras fit again. It pleases me. I still have clothes that fit it. Makes sure you keep all your clothing in all your healthy sizes. It makes it so much easier when you are healthy again to find something to wear and to enjoy being healthy again.
----------------------
Donuts?
Yum. Sparingly.
But Yum.
As I am becoming more and more happy and growing into my body and accepting food. I do find myself from time to time stressed with the "new me" and the "new body". I remember though, that if I am essentially following "the meal plan", then I have that comfort that I am ok, I am doing what my body needs and it assures me that I am where I should be and it will take care of me in the end.
----------------------
Can an ED Recoverer Eat Bacon?
Yes, Virginia, they can. With faith, and trust and pixie dust. They can.
----------------------
How is the NEW BODY working out for you?
It is softer, it is womanly, the curves are in the right places, and my bras fit again. It pleases me. I still have clothes that fit it. Makes sure you keep all your clothing in all your healthy sizes. It makes it so much easier when you are healthy again to find something to wear and to enjoy being healthy again.
----------------------
Donuts?
Yum. Sparingly.
But Yum.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Because I am more than just a recoverer
Lately, I've chosen happiness, and life, and joy more and more. I've chosen things to be a part of that are Ed free and when triggers come up or reminders of my disordered past come up, I have chosen to not let them hold me down, but I have been able to say, it's ok; Today I am healthy and that is a part of the past.
Because there is so much more to life than the eating disorder, or being a person with the eating disorder. Sometimes we struggle so much, and it's so much a part of us, that we allow the very process of recovery to consume us and even those around us.
Part of walking away healthy and free from this disorder is being able to celebrate life and enjoy it and CONSUME IT...
I am CONSUMING life...without the snares and traps of Ed right now.
And it is beautiful.
But becoming very strong and very aware of triggers and your patterns and being able to take your own internal "recovery temperature" is necessary I think before you can do this. I think you have to be vigillant and cautious and over-aware for years and years before you can feel what I am feeling right now.
But what I am feeling right now is delicious and I hope an inspiration for others.
Because there is so much more to life than the eating disorder, or being a person with the eating disorder. Sometimes we struggle so much, and it's so much a part of us, that we allow the very process of recovery to consume us and even those around us.
Part of walking away healthy and free from this disorder is being able to celebrate life and enjoy it and CONSUME IT...
I am CONSUMING life...without the snares and traps of Ed right now.
And it is beautiful.
But becoming very strong and very aware of triggers and your patterns and being able to take your own internal "recovery temperature" is necessary I think before you can do this. I think you have to be vigillant and cautious and over-aware for years and years before you can feel what I am feeling right now.
But what I am feeling right now is delicious and I hope an inspiration for others.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Playmates and playgrounds
Recovery (and indeed life) is about choices.
Choices about the actions we take every day. Actions to be healthy, actions to be wise, to be mindful, to be cautious.
One of the critical choices we have to make is the people we are with and the places (or situations) we place ourselves in. We are not passive in this. These places and people do not fall out of the sky upon us, we walk into these situations and we can just as easily walk out of them.
A major risk factor in relapse literature is the people and situations we interact with. They do not intentionally wish to sabotage us, but other people who are not healthy, who engage in behaviors who push us in directions that cause us to relapse, or who are from unhealthy places in our past- represent unsafe circles that we must interact with with extreme caution.
Similarly, food is everywhere and there are places where food is consumed in ways we can not deal as well with. I have come to accept that at times in my life, I am not as strong and the voices are louder. There are times when I have to walk away from these situations where food is around me and literally hurting me. And that's ok. Because feeling safe and feeling good inside is ultimately my most important goal.
It IS ok to make happiness and sanity and well being the most important thing in your life... it is OK to make it all about you.
Choices about the actions we take every day. Actions to be healthy, actions to be wise, to be mindful, to be cautious.
One of the critical choices we have to make is the people we are with and the places (or situations) we place ourselves in. We are not passive in this. These places and people do not fall out of the sky upon us, we walk into these situations and we can just as easily walk out of them.
A major risk factor in relapse literature is the people and situations we interact with. They do not intentionally wish to sabotage us, but other people who are not healthy, who engage in behaviors who push us in directions that cause us to relapse, or who are from unhealthy places in our past- represent unsafe circles that we must interact with with extreme caution.
Similarly, food is everywhere and there are places where food is consumed in ways we can not deal as well with. I have come to accept that at times in my life, I am not as strong and the voices are louder. There are times when I have to walk away from these situations where food is around me and literally hurting me. And that's ok. Because feeling safe and feeling good inside is ultimately my most important goal.
It IS ok to make happiness and sanity and well being the most important thing in your life... it is OK to make it all about you.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Still with you, just breathing
My friends, I am taking a little time to simply breathe in life for a while and enjoy some of the beauty around me. I am hungry for wisdom, poetry, songs and more answers as always. But I have found I need to recharge my brain. The blog may be silent while I take this brief sebatical.
Love to all,
Amy
Love to all,
Amy
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My BIG question
In answer to my question... the one that I started my blog with...
Yes Amy,
I think once you are an eating disordered person, you are always an eating disordered person.
That does not mean you can't be happy and healthy though.
It just means, you will always have to be careful, watch for triggers, and remember that this vulnerability exists inside of you.
The past few weeks have seen a few challenges arise for me. I did well, but it reminded me that this monster lives inside of me. That it can occupy a lot of my mental time and energy fighting it to stay well. It reminded me that the things that kept me healthy at the beginning of recovery, still keep me healthy TODAY.
We must always keep up the good fight, no matter how recovered we think we are.
That's just part of who we are.
Yes Amy,
I think once you are an eating disordered person, you are always an eating disordered person.
That does not mean you can't be happy and healthy though.
It just means, you will always have to be careful, watch for triggers, and remember that this vulnerability exists inside of you.
The past few weeks have seen a few challenges arise for me. I did well, but it reminded me that this monster lives inside of me. That it can occupy a lot of my mental time and energy fighting it to stay well. It reminded me that the things that kept me healthy at the beginning of recovery, still keep me healthy TODAY.
We must always keep up the good fight, no matter how recovered we think we are.
That's just part of who we are.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Recovery is a stretch
I think so many times, how far recovery has caused me to stretch and to grow... and "become".
It is not a coincidence that for many of us WHO HAVE recovered the quote "And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom" resonates deeply within us.
Because we remember that suffering was great and was a daily risk that we took with our bodies, but that staying there was a kind of safety zone, because it did not requiring risking being honest with our selves and others. It did not require us to challenge firmly held (irrational but still believed) beliefs. And it allowed us to live in quiet holes sheltered from certain pains and outside influences. Our eating disorder was our protector somehow from the outside world. And we remember that day when we said- "enough". The risk staying here, is greater than the risk of moving out of here.
But the stretch it takes to recover, to "become real" is so great, and it is so much work. I am so proud of my friends who keep fighting, who keep growing. I see how much time it takes to make the whole trip, to peel off the layers of the ED, to keep plunging deep inside yourself to face the fears you pretend aren't there and to liberate your true self, to keep developing the parts of yourself that are immature and undeveloped. And I am proud. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.
And we can never stop stretching.
It is not a coincidence that for many of us WHO HAVE recovered the quote "And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom" resonates deeply within us.
Because we remember that suffering was great and was a daily risk that we took with our bodies, but that staying there was a kind of safety zone, because it did not requiring risking being honest with our selves and others. It did not require us to challenge firmly held (irrational but still believed) beliefs. And it allowed us to live in quiet holes sheltered from certain pains and outside influences. Our eating disorder was our protector somehow from the outside world. And we remember that day when we said- "enough". The risk staying here, is greater than the risk of moving out of here.
But the stretch it takes to recover, to "become real" is so great, and it is so much work. I am so proud of my friends who keep fighting, who keep growing. I see how much time it takes to make the whole trip, to peel off the layers of the ED, to keep plunging deep inside yourself to face the fears you pretend aren't there and to liberate your true self, to keep developing the parts of yourself that are immature and undeveloped. And I am proud. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.
And we can never stop stretching.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Being real
A number of moments and things said to me this week have reminded me of the importance and challenges of being real. Of the importance of constantly seeking that authenticity within ourselves and the activities and people around us. It is so easy to slip into scripts and storylines in an effort to escape our realities; to create more exciting realities; to deny parts of ourselves that we fear are not pleasing to others but are still essential parts of ourselves; or perhaps we perceive as flaws but in reality are just part of our unique makeup.
I remember so many times in my past, feeling like Pinocchio when I would have these golden moments, when all of a sudden looking at my child, or finally feeling as though I was connecting with the person I was struggling most with in my life, or looking at myself in the mirror and having a deep realization and being "present" and thinking- wow- this is REAL and this is GOOD.
And I remember wondering over and over-- who am I? who am I really? And I no longer wonder that anymore. And that is the greatest feeling. To know exactly who I am.
And all your senses are alive, and perhaps you are naked and vulnerable to the world, BUT you are feeling and seeing everything. And maybe others can see and feel you too. And you connect. And you suddenly know where you stand.
But it's only in living in those times, that you can find and in essence allow true joy in your life. And it takes practice and discipline to live in your true reality. Stripped of alter egos, and falsitudes, and saying to the world, this is me, accept me as I am. And not letting people who don't accept you as you are stay close enough to judge you or hurt you. And not playing in playgrounds that create false idols or playing with substances that encourage you to put on false faces.
But truly, it does take strength and courage to be yourself. Especially if perhaps your past is one where you were not accept for who you really were. So learning how to do it, is a learning curve like everything else. It is all just part of our neverending journey!
Peace,
Amy
-----------------------
I remember so many times in my past, feeling like Pinocchio when I would have these golden moments, when all of a sudden looking at my child, or finally feeling as though I was connecting with the person I was struggling most with in my life, or looking at myself in the mirror and having a deep realization and being "present" and thinking- wow- this is REAL and this is GOOD.
And I remember wondering over and over-- who am I? who am I really? And I no longer wonder that anymore. And that is the greatest feeling. To know exactly who I am.
And all your senses are alive, and perhaps you are naked and vulnerable to the world, BUT you are feeling and seeing everything. And maybe others can see and feel you too. And you connect. And you suddenly know where you stand.
But it's only in living in those times, that you can find and in essence allow true joy in your life. And it takes practice and discipline to live in your true reality. Stripped of alter egos, and falsitudes, and saying to the world, this is me, accept me as I am. And not letting people who don't accept you as you are stay close enough to judge you or hurt you. And not playing in playgrounds that create false idols or playing with substances that encourage you to put on false faces.
But truly, it does take strength and courage to be yourself. Especially if perhaps your past is one where you were not accept for who you really were. So learning how to do it, is a learning curve like everything else. It is all just part of our neverending journey!
Peace,
Amy
-----------------------
"No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one."
- Hawthorne
"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway."
- Mother Theresa
"No legacy is so rich as honesty."
- Shakespeare
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
For Michelle
Many years ago, I lost someone close to me under terrible circumstances. We had been close friends for a very long time. She was a beautiful special person. She was someplace she should not have been and nobody, including myself, told her not to be there. We had parted two months prior under less than ideal terms before her death. I was young and overwhelmed with my life. I thought I could always come back and “fix things up” between her and I. Life never gave me that chance.
This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?
As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.
But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.
We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.
For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993
This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?
As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.
But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.
We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.
For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993
Thursday, July 16, 2009
staying on the sunny path
Several years ago, I was challenged to no longer plan my life, but to simply live my life. While this advice comes to us in many forms (live one day at a time, live in the moment) it is one those axioms that is easier said than done. Again one is faced with the question- How?
As I began this new way of facing each day, it became apparent that each day we are presented with multiple paths to choose from. It is the paths we choose each day, that lead us along to safety and happiness.
Some paths are in the sunlight, and have positive things for us lining the path.
Other paths lead to old coping skills, risk factors and darknesses.
We get to make these choices every day. Learning to recognize the difference between these paths, and when we are about to step on one, requires paying attention to where we are going, and remembering where we have been.
As I began this new way of facing each day, it became apparent that each day we are presented with multiple paths to choose from. It is the paths we choose each day, that lead us along to safety and happiness.
Some paths are in the sunlight, and have positive things for us lining the path.
Other paths lead to old coping skills, risk factors and darknesses.
We get to make these choices every day. Learning to recognize the difference between these paths, and when we are about to step on one, requires paying attention to where we are going, and remembering where we have been.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
the other side
I know I have written about this before...
perhaps it is a reminder for myself, to be strong and keep going
perhaps it is a reminder for you
but the other side is beautiful
being strong is beautiful
speaking in your own voice is amazing
living your life the way it is meant to be is powerful
accepting your body the way it is supposed to be is freedom
eating food with calmness and comfort is wonderful
the other side is beautiful
come and join the recovered.....
keep on focusing on yourself, your recovery goals, keep reminding yourself that recovery matters, perhaps even above other things, even if other people don't understand
Because a life with an eating disorder
is no kind of a life
perhaps it is a reminder for myself, to be strong and keep going
perhaps it is a reminder for you
but the other side is beautiful
being strong is beautiful
speaking in your own voice is amazing
living your life the way it is meant to be is powerful
accepting your body the way it is supposed to be is freedom
eating food with calmness and comfort is wonderful
the other side is beautiful
come and join the recovered.....
keep on focusing on yourself, your recovery goals, keep reminding yourself that recovery matters, perhaps even above other things, even if other people don't understand
Because a life with an eating disorder
is no kind of a life
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This is going to brief...
but just a reminder to all my friends.
You have a right to say no, to create walls, to create barriers to the things that hurt you.
You have to be able to identify those things, those spaces, those people. And then it's your life and you HAVE the right to say... NO. I will not accept this kind of pain in my life.
but just a reminder to all my friends.
You have a right to say no, to create walls, to create barriers to the things that hurt you.
You have to be able to identify those things, those spaces, those people. And then it's your life and you HAVE the right to say... NO. I will not accept this kind of pain in my life.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Grace
I was challenged this week to give myself grace.
I will admit, as part of my nature, and my standards for myself this is a concept that not only is foreign to me, but one I shrug off as perhaps counterproductive in reaching my goals.
-Grace-
What is it?
"a disposition to kindness and compassion"
"favor or good will"
"mercy, pardon, clemency"
.....................................................................
In my ever expanding search and desire to become stronger, smarter, wiser, it is hard for me to stop, to breathe, to slow down. It is hard for me to accept my frailities, my weaknesses and my gaps in my development too. I was challenged two weeks ago by the question:
"why do you think you are impervious to harm?"
Yet I did not fully understand this question or this insight.
..................................................................
I was conducting a year end focus group of my program last night. While I listened to the participants post mortem of their experience, I knew that many of their criticisms were indeed issues that were things within my control and that had been problems because of my own limitations this year. Things I had been unable to "get together". I began to feel increasingly bad about my performance and how it had impacted them.
But then I remembered, the many intense stressors I have endured in the past 6 months. Many of which I have yet to perhaps allow myself to rest and fully recover from- some of which the very same day I was still dealing with. And I remembered, yes, I was not impervious to harm. My work had suffered from these events, as it should have. I was allowed this.
And,
I gave myself grace.
......................................................
In our daily lives, I think many of us are quite brutal to ourselves in our expectations of what we should be able to do and survive. Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest, to feel, to hurt when we need to. Many of us do not allow ourselves to be human. And as I have said before, being human is messy business.
In what ways do you not see your own humanity? If you were to give yourself grace today, what would it look like?
Thank you my dear friends, for pointing out my weaknesses as I continue along my very humbling journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A
I will admit, as part of my nature, and my standards for myself this is a concept that not only is foreign to me, but one I shrug off as perhaps counterproductive in reaching my goals.
-Grace-
What is it?
"a disposition to kindness and compassion"
"favor or good will"
"mercy, pardon, clemency"
.....................................................................
In my ever expanding search and desire to become stronger, smarter, wiser, it is hard for me to stop, to breathe, to slow down. It is hard for me to accept my frailities, my weaknesses and my gaps in my development too. I was challenged two weeks ago by the question:
"why do you think you are impervious to harm?"
Yet I did not fully understand this question or this insight.
..................................................................
I was conducting a year end focus group of my program last night. While I listened to the participants post mortem of their experience, I knew that many of their criticisms were indeed issues that were things within my control and that had been problems because of my own limitations this year. Things I had been unable to "get together". I began to feel increasingly bad about my performance and how it had impacted them.
But then I remembered, the many intense stressors I have endured in the past 6 months. Many of which I have yet to perhaps allow myself to rest and fully recover from- some of which the very same day I was still dealing with. And I remembered, yes, I was not impervious to harm. My work had suffered from these events, as it should have. I was allowed this.
And,
I gave myself grace.
......................................................
In our daily lives, I think many of us are quite brutal to ourselves in our expectations of what we should be able to do and survive. Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest, to feel, to hurt when we need to. Many of us do not allow ourselves to be human. And as I have said before, being human is messy business.
In what ways do you not see your own humanity? If you were to give yourself grace today, what would it look like?
Thank you my dear friends, for pointing out my weaknesses as I continue along my very humbling journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A
Friday, July 3, 2009
My Manifesto
Why am I doing this and what do I hope to accomplish?
I have been trying to write this for a while. Three years ago, I decided when I was strong enough- when I was "there" (some vaque indefinable quality of readiness)- I would take a stand and help others and set myself on a road towards becoming an advocate in the area of eating disorders. I knew I had to in order to make meaning of the lifetime I had suffered at the hands of Ed. I knew that it had to be something that I would stand by, with my own pride and dignity in order to make a difference in the world, to ease the suffering of others. I knew I had to in order to make a better world for my daughter and her peers. That is the why. It is simple. It is a bottom line.
What do I want?
I want to be a liason for the rest of the world. To help them see the suffering we go through. Not to torment them, but to humanize our cause. To give us respect, dignity, understanding and resources. I want them to understand we are not trying to disappoint them, not willingly doing this to ourselves, and not doing this to hurt others. But doing this because it is truly a horrible mental disorder that cripples millions of men and women who are senseless victims. And that we are in pain.
I want to use my experiences to reach out and help others. I hope through my battles and my perspectives I can help others. It is so hard to recover and there are so few that do and are willing to become public. I feel that as many that can become public should in order to inspire others. It is important for sufferers to know that there is a beautiful strong life after ED. They can only know that if those who have achieved it come forth as models of this.
I want to help create new models of support and recovery. There are critical gaps in the types available. There are critical issues in what are available. I would like to use my voice and my background to help change the direction and variety of what is provided in the future.
I want to become an advocate for prevention. Too many are attracted to eating disorders. More needs to be voiced about how horrible this life is. We need to change how girls (and boys) grow up thinking about their bodies and their personal power.
This is important to me, this is real. My voice was silenced for a very long time. I will not let voices real, or unreal dissuade me. It may take a lifetime. I may make a small dent, and that is ok. It does not matter the size of the dent. It will be my dent. And that's
Ok. Because it will be mine. Just like my body.
I have been trying to write this for a while. Three years ago, I decided when I was strong enough- when I was "there" (some vaque indefinable quality of readiness)- I would take a stand and help others and set myself on a road towards becoming an advocate in the area of eating disorders. I knew I had to in order to make meaning of the lifetime I had suffered at the hands of Ed. I knew that it had to be something that I would stand by, with my own pride and dignity in order to make a difference in the world, to ease the suffering of others. I knew I had to in order to make a better world for my daughter and her peers. That is the why. It is simple. It is a bottom line.
What do I want?
I want to be a liason for the rest of the world. To help them see the suffering we go through. Not to torment them, but to humanize our cause. To give us respect, dignity, understanding and resources. I want them to understand we are not trying to disappoint them, not willingly doing this to ourselves, and not doing this to hurt others. But doing this because it is truly a horrible mental disorder that cripples millions of men and women who are senseless victims. And that we are in pain.
I want to use my experiences to reach out and help others. I hope through my battles and my perspectives I can help others. It is so hard to recover and there are so few that do and are willing to become public. I feel that as many that can become public should in order to inspire others. It is important for sufferers to know that there is a beautiful strong life after ED. They can only know that if those who have achieved it come forth as models of this.
I want to help create new models of support and recovery. There are critical gaps in the types available. There are critical issues in what are available. I would like to use my voice and my background to help change the direction and variety of what is provided in the future.
I want to become an advocate for prevention. Too many are attracted to eating disorders. More needs to be voiced about how horrible this life is. We need to change how girls (and boys) grow up thinking about their bodies and their personal power.
This is important to me, this is real. My voice was silenced for a very long time. I will not let voices real, or unreal dissuade me. It may take a lifetime. I may make a small dent, and that is ok. It does not matter the size of the dent. It will be my dent. And that's
Ok. Because it will be mine. Just like my body.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It's not easy being green....
I always knew I was different. Growing up, I really did hate the muppet show, but I did love that song.
As ED sufferers, we are so similar to each other in our differences from the rest of the world. These differences wear on us sometimes. So please world, please be kind to us, please be patient with us, please give us the compassion and the dignity that we need. We are trying our very very best to be our best possible selves sharing your food planet with you.
We are very soft people with hard exteriors and strange circuitry.... we sense everything, but don't always feel everything, hear everything, or understand everything. Our cuing systems are "off". Things that are simple to you, are hard to us. Love, trust, self confidence, receiving compliments, truth...These concepts in the world around us confuse us. We will do odd things to protect ourselves. We often really don't know we are doing these things.
We live to please. Pleasing others is the only way that we know our value on this planet. It's the only way we can form our identities. Just look at the vast numbers of us who choose caring or performing professions where there is IMMEDIATE feedback in the form of helping or pleasing others.
We are secretly fearful people. We are ashamed of this. We hide our fearfulness through control mechanisms that are unique to each of us. Some but not all of them have to do with food. When you tap into our fears, we will act out against you, panic, or shut down.
We are highly impulsive. While we can be very intelligent, our impulsivity often makes us do "stupid things"... hence my favorite catch phrase of late.. BE NOT STUPID. It creates contradictions in how we sometimes act, our beliefs, our goals, and what you expect from us. It frustrates us as well. We live lives of regret and kicking ourselves the "day after" due to our impulsivity. It is an impediment to recovery and a frustration to those around us.
We feel very very alone with this disease. It separates us from you. We want to recover very badly and be like you. We just don't know how. We need to feel accepted and ok in your eyes. It is overwhelming and HUGE in our lives. It occupies more of our minds than others can possibly imagine. Getting better and getting free of the ED yoke and traps is harder than you can imagine too. From the outside you wonder why we can't walk away. You have no idea how it follows us and holds onto us.
----------------
We are not children. We are adults. If you treat us like children, you hurt us deeply. We do, however, need to be held accountable for our behavior. But our learning curve is slow. Nobody can learn it for us. We have to. Recovery is a long process and can require many supports of which there are not enough.
Tonight, I ask for those of you helping ED sufferers, loving ED sufferers, for patience and compassion and respect for us. We are..... who we are. We are different.
But please remember who we are that is greater and beyond the disease. We are much much more than the eating disorder. And help us to remember that too, because we forget that sometimes.
----------------
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me, and be my friend
-Albert Camus
As ED sufferers, we are so similar to each other in our differences from the rest of the world. These differences wear on us sometimes. So please world, please be kind to us, please be patient with us, please give us the compassion and the dignity that we need. We are trying our very very best to be our best possible selves sharing your food planet with you.
We are very soft people with hard exteriors and strange circuitry.... we sense everything, but don't always feel everything, hear everything, or understand everything. Our cuing systems are "off". Things that are simple to you, are hard to us. Love, trust, self confidence, receiving compliments, truth...These concepts in the world around us confuse us. We will do odd things to protect ourselves. We often really don't know we are doing these things.
We live to please. Pleasing others is the only way that we know our value on this planet. It's the only way we can form our identities. Just look at the vast numbers of us who choose caring or performing professions where there is IMMEDIATE feedback in the form of helping or pleasing others.
We are secretly fearful people. We are ashamed of this. We hide our fearfulness through control mechanisms that are unique to each of us. Some but not all of them have to do with food. When you tap into our fears, we will act out against you, panic, or shut down.
We are highly impulsive. While we can be very intelligent, our impulsivity often makes us do "stupid things"... hence my favorite catch phrase of late.. BE NOT STUPID. It creates contradictions in how we sometimes act, our beliefs, our goals, and what you expect from us. It frustrates us as well. We live lives of regret and kicking ourselves the "day after" due to our impulsivity. It is an impediment to recovery and a frustration to those around us.
We feel very very alone with this disease. It separates us from you. We want to recover very badly and be like you. We just don't know how. We need to feel accepted and ok in your eyes. It is overwhelming and HUGE in our lives. It occupies more of our minds than others can possibly imagine. Getting better and getting free of the ED yoke and traps is harder than you can imagine too. From the outside you wonder why we can't walk away. You have no idea how it follows us and holds onto us.
----------------
We are not children. We are adults. If you treat us like children, you hurt us deeply. We do, however, need to be held accountable for our behavior. But our learning curve is slow. Nobody can learn it for us. We have to. Recovery is a long process and can require many supports of which there are not enough.
Tonight, I ask for those of you helping ED sufferers, loving ED sufferers, for patience and compassion and respect for us. We are..... who we are. We are different.
But please remember who we are that is greater and beyond the disease. We are much much more than the eating disorder. And help us to remember that too, because we forget that sometimes.
----------------
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me, and be my friend
-Albert Camus
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Perfect
I will admit,
this word as yet escapes my lips too easily.
In reflecting on this... I still hold myself to such things as...
Perfect hair
Perfect demeanor
Perfect lecture
Perfect answers to any questions
Perfect house
Perfect smile
A perfect day without mistakes.
And as I grow and become Amy I accept that I am still a wild child, loose and free and rambling. So often stumbling and getting up. And clumsy and silly. And that I say things that are far from perfect, but are sometimes poetic or brilliant or helpful to others (or in fact utterly stupid or confusing). But, all in all, it doesn't matter. Because what matters, is that I am me. And I have fought hard in so many ways to be me, that who I am is non-negotiable now. I have protected myself from relationships that did not allow it. I have left jobs and employers that did not allow me to be me, and when I couldn't I learned how to put up mental blocks in those places. I have left Ed who cruelly discouraged me from being the real me.
It is time to ban this word from my vocabulary.
There is no such thing as perfect.....
and I don't want to be. I want REAL.
this word as yet escapes my lips too easily.
In reflecting on this... I still hold myself to such things as...
Perfect hair
Perfect demeanor
Perfect lecture
Perfect answers to any questions
Perfect house
Perfect smile
A perfect day without mistakes.
And as I grow and become Amy I accept that I am still a wild child, loose and free and rambling. So often stumbling and getting up. And clumsy and silly. And that I say things that are far from perfect, but are sometimes poetic or brilliant or helpful to others (or in fact utterly stupid or confusing). But, all in all, it doesn't matter. Because what matters, is that I am me. And I have fought hard in so many ways to be me, that who I am is non-negotiable now. I have protected myself from relationships that did not allow it. I have left jobs and employers that did not allow me to be me, and when I couldn't I learned how to put up mental blocks in those places. I have left Ed who cruelly discouraged me from being the real me.
It is time to ban this word from my vocabulary.
There is no such thing as perfect.....
and I don't want to be. I want REAL.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I am fine....
Thanks to a friend for sharing with me the definition of "fine"
Fine: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
So,
The next time someone ask you how you are, and you say you are fine... are you?
Fine: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
So,
The next time someone ask you how you are, and you say you are fine... are you?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Because there is more to be grateful for than just peanut butter
Thank goodness for...
My children's beauty and strength and love and wisdom
and the smiles on my children's faces this morning
and that
I am still here to see them
The smell of lavendar and basil and thyme and roses in my garden
the dirt under my nails
the sweat on my body as I work the soil
my grandfather for teaching me to love the earth
and the wild beauties that come from it
My precious select friends that just seem get me
and allow me my space to be me
in patience and understanding
and continue to
and my ability to figure out who those friends were
For the 4 non blondes song on my shuffle
and the joy of music and the beat of life in my soul
for my voice and my ears and my heart
for paint, and paper, and glue and wood
and books and words
and the wonderful things that we can make from them!
for a life that seems to continually award
grace
and
do overs and new beginnings
-Thank goodness for life and the times I chose it, so I can be here now feeling this, writing this and knowing this--
My children's beauty and strength and love and wisdom
and the smiles on my children's faces this morning
and that
I am still here to see them
The smell of lavendar and basil and thyme and roses in my garden
the dirt under my nails
the sweat on my body as I work the soil
my grandfather for teaching me to love the earth
and the wild beauties that come from it
My precious select friends that just seem get me
and allow me my space to be me
in patience and understanding
and continue to
and my ability to figure out who those friends were
For the 4 non blondes song on my shuffle
and the joy of music and the beat of life in my soul
for my voice and my ears and my heart
for paint, and paper, and glue and wood
and books and words
and the wonderful things that we can make from them!
for a life that seems to continually award
grace
and
do overs and new beginnings
-Thank goodness for life and the times I chose it, so I can be here now feeling this, writing this and knowing this--
Friday, June 19, 2009
Accountability
I have said many times- that emotional honesty is the name of the game. We do not heal from this, overcome this, and become whole people until we learn to speak with honest voices and be true to ourselves always.
And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.
I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.
I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.
I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....
shhhh...................................
While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.
no more shushing ourselves, or others.
We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.
It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.
Hugs to my friends.
-------------------------------
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,
The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.
It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.
Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....
And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.
I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.
I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.
I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....
shhhh...................................
While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.
no more shushing ourselves, or others.
We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.
It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.
Hugs to my friends.
-------------------------------
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,
The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.
It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.
Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sitting with our feelings
Feelings---
sometimes they aren't good, they aren't bad... they just are... and they are real... and they have to be acknowledged and lived...
and we have to sit with them...
I am still a work in progress....
and I am still ok with that
The paths I have taken are my own
and just part of my tapestry of self
and I am sure I will continue to take the paths less travelled.
I just seem incapable of anything else.
Acceptance-- hm.....
sometimes they aren't good, they aren't bad... they just are... and they are real... and they have to be acknowledged and lived...
and we have to sit with them...
I am still a work in progress....
and I am still ok with that
The paths I have taken are my own
and just part of my tapestry of self
and I am sure I will continue to take the paths less travelled.
I just seem incapable of anything else.
Acceptance-- hm.....
Monday, June 15, 2009
A sweet truth
What we do with our lives, how we treat others, and the difference we make in the world,
means INFINITELY more than what we look like, or what others think of us, or what we think others think of us.
Trying to live my life in service, and not in vanity.
The energy and passion wasted on a lifelong battle over a few stupid pounds my friends, is much better spent on other things...
---------------------------
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
means INFINITELY more than what we look like, or what others think of us, or what we think others think of us.
Trying to live my life in service, and not in vanity.
The energy and passion wasted on a lifelong battle over a few stupid pounds my friends, is much better spent on other things...
---------------------------
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Becoming fearless
I am not sure where I am going with this idea.... it's more jumbles of ideas for my book. But more and more, I see that an answer for us is becoming fearless.
Over the past year of my life, I have had to do many things, that forced me to face fears. To make choices that forced me to be the grown up, even when I really did not want to be one.
It is the same with Ed. We are afraid of letting Ed continue to ruin our lives, yet afraid of a life without it.
Facing our fears, is a learning process. And learning to face fears takes time. when I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I am definitely not the same woman. I am proud of how I have grown.
It is not a graceful process, it is not a pretty process, it is something you just have to go and do sometimes. Sometimes we blurt, sometimes we cry, sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes it is not how we pictured it when we finally take our stand, but the point is, you have to do it, and you have to practice standing up for yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the stronger you become. The thicker our skin, and the bigger our playbooks.
Amy is becoming fearless. She really is.
I like that.
-------------------
When I was nine, I learned how to water ski. My brother of course was bigger and better and more fearless. If you have ever seen the wake created by a boat from the view directly behind it, you would know that a churned up path is formed directly behind then on either side is a series of waves undulating outwards. My brother could jump those waves. I could not. Even as a child, when I had something I was afraid of. I always pushed myself. My best friend Renee, likes to say I always have to "push the envelope". But these waves (usually in sets of 3), were what I set my mind too. I hated them, was terrified by them, but had to overcome them. I know it took at least one summer-probably two- and a lot of wipe outs. But eventually, I did overcome them, I never really jumped them, just sort of coasted over them, but that was good enough for me. The first wave, is indeed the biggest one, the second and third progressively smaller. When you pass the last one, the water is smooth as ice and your reward for crossing them as you hold onto the rope and soar out sideways of the boat.
Life is about these core strengthening battles and building ourselves from the inside.
I am becoming convinced more and more that so is recovery
Over the past year of my life, I have had to do many things, that forced me to face fears. To make choices that forced me to be the grown up, even when I really did not want to be one.
It is the same with Ed. We are afraid of letting Ed continue to ruin our lives, yet afraid of a life without it.
Facing our fears, is a learning process. And learning to face fears takes time. when I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I am definitely not the same woman. I am proud of how I have grown.
It is not a graceful process, it is not a pretty process, it is something you just have to go and do sometimes. Sometimes we blurt, sometimes we cry, sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes it is not how we pictured it when we finally take our stand, but the point is, you have to do it, and you have to practice standing up for yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the stronger you become. The thicker our skin, and the bigger our playbooks.
Amy is becoming fearless. She really is.
I like that.
-------------------
When I was nine, I learned how to water ski. My brother of course was bigger and better and more fearless. If you have ever seen the wake created by a boat from the view directly behind it, you would know that a churned up path is formed directly behind then on either side is a series of waves undulating outwards. My brother could jump those waves. I could not. Even as a child, when I had something I was afraid of. I always pushed myself. My best friend Renee, likes to say I always have to "push the envelope". But these waves (usually in sets of 3), were what I set my mind too. I hated them, was terrified by them, but had to overcome them. I know it took at least one summer-probably two- and a lot of wipe outs. But eventually, I did overcome them, I never really jumped them, just sort of coasted over them, but that was good enough for me. The first wave, is indeed the biggest one, the second and third progressively smaller. When you pass the last one, the water is smooth as ice and your reward for crossing them as you hold onto the rope and soar out sideways of the boat.
Life is about these core strengthening battles and building ourselves from the inside.
I am becoming convinced more and more that so is recovery
Friday, June 12, 2009
Remember to celebrate your milestones in recovery
I keep being reminded how hard the struggle is for us. And it is important to remember that recovery is a journey. But unlike other metaphors about journeys that are poetic and beautiful, I am not so sure that this journey is the kind that you always really feel like savoring and enjoying so much along the way. Because really we want so much to get to the end and get to the other side. But, we do need to remember to celebrate our personal milestones of recovery. We must be proud of our progress and see our change. (See more on EDA's recovery milestones):
http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/docs/EDA%20Milestones%20of%20Recovery%201.1.pdf
But, each of us are unique. And your milestones may not be my milestones. Each of us has unique fears and challenges that we must face. And recovery is not food specific. While we are truly "food phobics" and "weight phobics", recovery is about so so much more. Recovery is about finding your voice in life. Finding your strength, and finding yourself in this world. It is about finding your life path, and finding your way. Growing up and growing stronger. Making goals and sticking to them. It is about becoming a bigger person, a more whole person, and a more consistent person. While sometimes change is huge and others can see it. Sometimes progress comes in tiny steps that maybe only we can see. But all steps are meaningful and important.
At times, life is indescribably hard with an eating disorder, and the non-eating disordered around us do not always understand just how hard is it to struggle moment by moment. So sometimes it is up to us, to remember to celebrate each of our own beautiful victories, to smile and breathe them in. And we can share them with each other, because we know (and you most DEFINITELY can share them with me!). WE KNOW, how hard it is to accomplish these major milestones.
----------------------------
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself.
-Shel Silverstein
-------------------------------
Remember to celebrate the magic within yourself my friends as you travel along your journey
http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/docs/EDA%20Milestones%20of%20Recovery%201.1.pdf
But, each of us are unique. And your milestones may not be my milestones. Each of us has unique fears and challenges that we must face. And recovery is not food specific. While we are truly "food phobics" and "weight phobics", recovery is about so so much more. Recovery is about finding your voice in life. Finding your strength, and finding yourself in this world. It is about finding your life path, and finding your way. Growing up and growing stronger. Making goals and sticking to them. It is about becoming a bigger person, a more whole person, and a more consistent person. While sometimes change is huge and others can see it. Sometimes progress comes in tiny steps that maybe only we can see. But all steps are meaningful and important.
At times, life is indescribably hard with an eating disorder, and the non-eating disordered around us do not always understand just how hard is it to struggle moment by moment. So sometimes it is up to us, to remember to celebrate each of our own beautiful victories, to smile and breathe them in. And we can share them with each other, because we know (and you most DEFINITELY can share them with me!). WE KNOW, how hard it is to accomplish these major milestones.
----------------------------
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself.
-Shel Silverstein
-------------------------------
Remember to celebrate the magic within yourself my friends as you travel along your journey
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Higher Power
Driving through South Hartford late evening a few weeks ago, I found a particular word on my mind. It was after a cool spring rain and it was particularly peaceful and quiet. All of the surfaces were shining and reflected the moon and street lights. My windows were rolled down and the air was fresh. This part of the city is full of small businesses and even on a quiet night such as this, always clicks to a quick urban beat.
At an intersection I looked over and noticed a door open to a meeting room holding a small religious gathering. About 5 people were present in a tiny room with pews. The room glowed. One woman's head was bowed and she wore a beautiful lace scarf over her head. Because of my lack of religious beliefs, I could never belong to this group, but I loved that sense of belonging that they had among each other.
Crossing in the middle of the intersection were two teenage boys jostling and laughing with each other. They belonged to each other. A young couple pushed a baby stroller down the sidewalk and met an older couple they knew. The two men grasped hands and wrapped their arms around each others shoulders. All of those on the outside of the meeting room that night, also, belonged to each other.
The EDA word that came to mind at that moment for me- was "Higher Power".
------------------------------
This word- Higher Power-- I can not begin to define for anyone. (In some ways can not begin to define for myself)
I think there are certainly many many ways to define this, but I am going to present one basic way tonight..... at least what it has come to mean to me.
At some point in my recovery, I had to begin to accept that I alone did not have all the answers.
I had to accept that I needed help from others. That I was not an expert in eating, in health, or even in myself. That trying to solve it on my own, I had failed miserably over and over and over again. Specifically, that at times, I needed to put myself into the hands of others and respect what they had to say. That I needed to trust what they told me. And that I needed to be able to wait and see on the outcome.
I had to seek new ways of recovery, from others, from those outside me, and I had to find faith and what I like to call "suspension of disbelief". I had to believe that recovery was real. That life after an eating disorder was real. I had to believe that I could eat like a normal woman again. That I could live in a normal body and love myself that way again.
I had to understand that I belonged to a world greater than my tiny little myopic world of eating theories and plans and fears in Amy's brain.
I had to reach out and be willing to "belong" and be open to my community's resources - it's higher powers...
which ultimately led to the higher powers within myself.
At an intersection I looked over and noticed a door open to a meeting room holding a small religious gathering. About 5 people were present in a tiny room with pews. The room glowed. One woman's head was bowed and she wore a beautiful lace scarf over her head. Because of my lack of religious beliefs, I could never belong to this group, but I loved that sense of belonging that they had among each other.
Crossing in the middle of the intersection were two teenage boys jostling and laughing with each other. They belonged to each other. A young couple pushed a baby stroller down the sidewalk and met an older couple they knew. The two men grasped hands and wrapped their arms around each others shoulders. All of those on the outside of the meeting room that night, also, belonged to each other.
The EDA word that came to mind at that moment for me- was "Higher Power".
------------------------------
This word- Higher Power-- I can not begin to define for anyone. (In some ways can not begin to define for myself)
I think there are certainly many many ways to define this, but I am going to present one basic way tonight..... at least what it has come to mean to me.
At some point in my recovery, I had to begin to accept that I alone did not have all the answers.
I had to accept that I needed help from others. That I was not an expert in eating, in health, or even in myself. That trying to solve it on my own, I had failed miserably over and over and over again. Specifically, that at times, I needed to put myself into the hands of others and respect what they had to say. That I needed to trust what they told me. And that I needed to be able to wait and see on the outcome.
I had to seek new ways of recovery, from others, from those outside me, and I had to find faith and what I like to call "suspension of disbelief". I had to believe that recovery was real. That life after an eating disorder was real. I had to believe that I could eat like a normal woman again. That I could live in a normal body and love myself that way again.
I had to understand that I belonged to a world greater than my tiny little myopic world of eating theories and plans and fears in Amy's brain.
I had to reach out and be willing to "belong" and be open to my community's resources - it's higher powers...
which ultimately led to the higher powers within myself.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
When the world doesn't believe in us
News from several friends has prompted this post. Tonight I am frustrated and angry (yes, angry) for my friends.
And it does conjure memories of my past.
What happens when those around us give up on us? When institutions and policies do not provide for us?
And why do they? and is it ok?
It is not really ok-no. But it is human nature, and it is not our position to judge but to accept. We can not ask anyone to give more than they are capable of giving, or understanding any more than they can. We are in the position that we are in, because of our actions. We can not ask anyone else to save us but ourselves. Is it fair that there are not enough treatment options, no. Is it fair that people outside of us do not understand how HARD it is to recover, no. Is it fair that sometimes people would rather turn away, than roll up their sleeves and fight this with us, no. But, should that make you roll over and give up and die either. HELL NO.
It is your life, and if you want it- YOU ultimately have to be the one to fight for it in the end.
------
Be a Fighter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4
And it does conjure memories of my past.
What happens when those around us give up on us? When institutions and policies do not provide for us?
And why do they? and is it ok?
It is not really ok-no. But it is human nature, and it is not our position to judge but to accept. We can not ask anyone to give more than they are capable of giving, or understanding any more than they can. We are in the position that we are in, because of our actions. We can not ask anyone else to save us but ourselves. Is it fair that there are not enough treatment options, no. Is it fair that people outside of us do not understand how HARD it is to recover, no. Is it fair that sometimes people would rather turn away, than roll up their sleeves and fight this with us, no. But, should that make you roll over and give up and die either. HELL NO.
It is your life, and if you want it- YOU ultimately have to be the one to fight for it in the end.
------
Be a Fighter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Irony
My friends... i have noticed an interesting irony... yet again in my life....
It has been a year since I started my blog.
I began it June 5th, 2008.
So today, On June 6th, 2009th, the topic of my blog is freedom...
the title of my very first blog was
"twenty three years later and no sign of real FREEDOM yet"
- i can honestly say--
this really is no longer true
In so many ways.... I can say with confidence, honesty and peace
I am so free, I will always be a person with this inside of me.
But
In some beautiful powerful sense of the word
In a sensual spiritual emotional
living
real
sense of the word
I am free!
-----------------------
Note: Since I am noting dates, I think I have an anniversarying coming. Looking at the dates of last years posts, I am guessing that June 30th of last year will approximately mark a one year anniversary since my last relapse to purging. This to me is BEYOND INCREDIBLE, even in good stretches earlier in my life (Aside from the babymaking/nursing years-where I was the model of health), the longest I had maintained was usually 6-9 months without a slip. I will find a quiet way to celebrate that day. I need some more poetry books :)
It has been a year since I started my blog.
I began it June 5th, 2008.
So today, On June 6th, 2009th, the topic of my blog is freedom...
the title of my very first blog was
"twenty three years later and no sign of real FREEDOM yet"
- i can honestly say--
this really is no longer true
In so many ways.... I can say with confidence, honesty and peace
I am so free, I will always be a person with this inside of me.
But
In some beautiful powerful sense of the word
In a sensual spiritual emotional
living
real
sense of the word
I am free!
-----------------------
Note: Since I am noting dates, I think I have an anniversarying coming. Looking at the dates of last years posts, I am guessing that June 30th of last year will approximately mark a one year anniversary since my last relapse to purging. This to me is BEYOND INCREDIBLE, even in good stretches earlier in my life (Aside from the babymaking/nursing years-where I was the model of health), the longest I had maintained was usually 6-9 months without a slip. I will find a quiet way to celebrate that day. I need some more poetry books :)
Freedom
Freedom.
This is not an EDA word as promised, but right now, it is my favorite word.
It is a paradoxical word.
It is a strong word. It is associated with liberation and political movements- I like it for that reason. It brings about a call to arms!
But it is a light word promising a feeling of transcendental and heavenly flight.
So, maybe it is a frightening word.
When we are finally free from the things that haunt us, be it a bad relationship, a bad disorder, bad thoughts, what will take their place?
And that is where the work begins.
We have to take the place of what we become free from.
We have to.... because ultimately, if we become so free that we become so light and fly away, while a beautiful thought it is also terrifying.
Let us all keep our feet on the ground
as we embrace ourselves
and our freedom.
This is not an EDA word as promised, but right now, it is my favorite word.
It is a paradoxical word.
It is a strong word. It is associated with liberation and political movements- I like it for that reason. It brings about a call to arms!
But it is a light word promising a feeling of transcendental and heavenly flight.
So, maybe it is a frightening word.
When we are finally free from the things that haunt us, be it a bad relationship, a bad disorder, bad thoughts, what will take their place?
And that is where the work begins.
We have to take the place of what we become free from.
We have to.... because ultimately, if we become so free that we become so light and fly away, while a beautiful thought it is also terrifying.
Let us all keep our feet on the ground
as we embrace ourselves
and our freedom.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Words
My thoughts the last few days, have been circling on the power of words. My entire life, I have been connected somehow to the play, power, creation, history of words. Either scientifically, artistically, professionally, or personally. My interests have included linguistics, counseling, child language development, writing, teaching, all of these employ either the examination, careful use, or play of words. Language and words, play incredible roles in our lives. Because of this... I am going to allow myself a little time to play with some of the words that have come up in EDA that are not so well examined through the space of my blog.
Just a heads up on things to come.
Just a heads up on things to come.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
500 views
My blog today has reached 500 views. This heartens me. Dear readers, I hope that you are all well, strong, and happy. Thank you for your readership. I do love each of you dearly in your silence and am honored that you have allowed me to share my thoughts with you.
Your friend in this journey,
Amy
Your friend in this journey,
Amy
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Recovery
What does this word mean?
Renewal?
Healing?
Recreating oneself?
Starting over?
Rest?
Relaxing?
Rebuilding yourself?
How many of those things can you do?
Can you REALLY do ALL of them????
Hm........ today I am questioning myself on that.....I know I run and run and run and keep busy to keep myself two steps ahead of the things that plague me... I am still that "busy busy girl" as my grandmother said.
In my worst dreams I am always running. Always running from something or somebody and that is how it has been my whole life. And trying to gather together the tools I need to fix the problem or my survival supplies, finding and mobilize others, or find the escape route. And I suppose in reality, that's how I live, both in happiness and unhappiness.
What would happen if I sat still long enough for life to catch up with me for once?
Really?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
Renewal?
Healing?
Recreating oneself?
Starting over?
Rest?
Relaxing?
Rebuilding yourself?
How many of those things can you do?
Can you REALLY do ALL of them????
Hm........ today I am questioning myself on that.....I know I run and run and run and keep busy to keep myself two steps ahead of the things that plague me... I am still that "busy busy girl" as my grandmother said.
In my worst dreams I am always running. Always running from something or somebody and that is how it has been my whole life. And trying to gather together the tools I need to fix the problem or my survival supplies, finding and mobilize others, or find the escape route. And I suppose in reality, that's how I live, both in happiness and unhappiness.
What would happen if I sat still long enough for life to catch up with me for once?
Really?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
When life comes galloping at you...
I hate to admit it, off and on in my life, I am and have been a person prone to developing fears... to date some of my fears have been:
planes, heights, germs, dogs (now limited to German Shephards, Chows, Dobermans, and Jack Russell Terriers), public speaking, boats, bridges, caves and sinkholes, jellyfish, yellowjackets, june bugs, grasshoppers, driving next to trucks, driving by the woods at night, driving through cities, ghosts (but we're cool now), cows,
and
HORSES
(Note: speaking from a childhood experience where I was definitely someplace I was NOT supposed to be and encountered a horse that was NOT child friendly- I can assure you they are NOT as friendly as they look. Same thing goes for cows- and they can move much faster than ya'll would think.)
This morning, my dog and I were on our favorite "off the beaten path" trail in the woods. And I was very very deep in thought with my music turned up and my eyes on the ground. When we turned the corner, both Petey and I were rather startled to intersect with a rider on a horse. A REALLY REALLY HUGE horse I must add. And it's doing all those damn horsey things that they do, you know, snorting, flipping it's tail, stomping, looking down at me and staring at me straight in the eyes-- UGH! and I have to admit, I am FROZEN in my tracks. And to make things worse, I have Petey who not only has never seen a horse, suddenly believes he is capable of eating the horse.
So- I have a choice. And my first and most obvious choice is to be a grown up- I am alone in the woods and there is nobody else there to protect me! So, like a grown up, I must figure out, what are my options?
See- this is life.
Sometimes, we can just be going along, thinking everything is ok, or even GREAT, and we have things under control, and that thing we do not expect to fall upon us, just does. I had no idea that horses were allowed in this park. BUT we all have things we are vulnerable to. And some of those things, no matter how hard we have tried, or how far we have come, we will continue to be vulnerable to. As much as we want to think that we have become SO SO strong and impervious to harm, that is simply not the truth. But we CAN become smarter and better caretakers and protectors of ourselves under times of stress.
And that is what predicts whether or not we will relapse.
There will always be that thing that falls from the sky that we do not expect. The bad boyfriend, the person who disapppoints us, the well intentioned comment from a clueless "outsider", the toxic person who crosses our path, the thing from the past that comes back to haunt us, the work change or stress when we think it is all "under control". We have to be able to make choices quickly in the path of our worst fears, triggers, trials.
So, what did I do?
Well, I did pull back. And I breathed. And I reminded myself that most likely the person on the horse could control the horse. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). Then I told myself I could control Petey. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). And I got a firmer hold on him. Then I spoke. I said, "My dog has never seen a horse, this is going to be hard for me, can you please move over so we can pass?"
And they did.
And it was really hard for a few moments when we were passing, because they didn't move over as much as I wanted them to, and the horse did stomp and shuffle a bit, and make pretty scary noises at me, and my dog did pull and I did feel a bit panicky, but I just kept going. Because I had to. Because I knew I had no other choice and the sooner I got to the other side, the sooner it would be over.
And we went along our way.
----------------
We can do this. We can meet all the things that life throws us, if only we take the time to pull back, breathe, remind ourselves of what we need to do, and take the time to advocate for our needs, drudge through what we have to get through reminding ourselves that "this too shall pass AND I got this!", and then continue along our paths to happier healthier selves.
-----------------
"If you're going through hell, keep going"
-Winston Churchill
planes, heights, germs, dogs (now limited to German Shephards, Chows, Dobermans, and Jack Russell Terriers), public speaking, boats, bridges, caves and sinkholes, jellyfish, yellowjackets, june bugs, grasshoppers, driving next to trucks, driving by the woods at night, driving through cities, ghosts (but we're cool now), cows,
and
HORSES
(Note: speaking from a childhood experience where I was definitely someplace I was NOT supposed to be and encountered a horse that was NOT child friendly- I can assure you they are NOT as friendly as they look. Same thing goes for cows- and they can move much faster than ya'll would think.)
This morning, my dog and I were on our favorite "off the beaten path" trail in the woods. And I was very very deep in thought with my music turned up and my eyes on the ground. When we turned the corner, both Petey and I were rather startled to intersect with a rider on a horse. A REALLY REALLY HUGE horse I must add. And it's doing all those damn horsey things that they do, you know, snorting, flipping it's tail, stomping, looking down at me and staring at me straight in the eyes-- UGH! and I have to admit, I am FROZEN in my tracks. And to make things worse, I have Petey who not only has never seen a horse, suddenly believes he is capable of eating the horse.
So- I have a choice. And my first and most obvious choice is to be a grown up- I am alone in the woods and there is nobody else there to protect me! So, like a grown up, I must figure out, what are my options?
See- this is life.
Sometimes, we can just be going along, thinking everything is ok, or even GREAT, and we have things under control, and that thing we do not expect to fall upon us, just does. I had no idea that horses were allowed in this park. BUT we all have things we are vulnerable to. And some of those things, no matter how hard we have tried, or how far we have come, we will continue to be vulnerable to. As much as we want to think that we have become SO SO strong and impervious to harm, that is simply not the truth. But we CAN become smarter and better caretakers and protectors of ourselves under times of stress.
And that is what predicts whether or not we will relapse.
There will always be that thing that falls from the sky that we do not expect. The bad boyfriend, the person who disapppoints us, the well intentioned comment from a clueless "outsider", the toxic person who crosses our path, the thing from the past that comes back to haunt us, the work change or stress when we think it is all "under control". We have to be able to make choices quickly in the path of our worst fears, triggers, trials.
So, what did I do?
Well, I did pull back. And I breathed. And I reminded myself that most likely the person on the horse could control the horse. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). Then I told myself I could control Petey. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). And I got a firmer hold on him. Then I spoke. I said, "My dog has never seen a horse, this is going to be hard for me, can you please move over so we can pass?"
And they did.
And it was really hard for a few moments when we were passing, because they didn't move over as much as I wanted them to, and the horse did stomp and shuffle a bit, and make pretty scary noises at me, and my dog did pull and I did feel a bit panicky, but I just kept going. Because I had to. Because I knew I had no other choice and the sooner I got to the other side, the sooner it would be over.
And we went along our way.
----------------
We can do this. We can meet all the things that life throws us, if only we take the time to pull back, breathe, remind ourselves of what we need to do, and take the time to advocate for our needs, drudge through what we have to get through reminding ourselves that "this too shall pass AND I got this!", and then continue along our paths to happier healthier selves.
-----------------
"If you're going through hell, keep going"
-Winston Churchill
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
My Body to Own
This body of mine
I am my own to own
It is woman it is soft it is strong
It is no longer to be sculpted in the eyes of Ed
It is Olympia reclining
It is Venus De Milo
It is Rembrandt’s Hendrickje
It is Marilyn wrapped in white sheets
It is velvet and grace and languid movements
Across the room
Like the panther with hips of the hunter
And soft padded feet
This body of mine
I am my own to own
From cradle to grave
It is a woman’s body
It is a woman’s heart
It is a woman’s soul
Bleeding, crying, dancing, birthing, holding, giving, comforting, loving, soothing, dreaming, aspiring
You will never take away my strength
My curves
Or my softness
Again.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My Windows are open? Are yours?
A while ago, a friend and I shared an analogy involving windows and walls. And my friend encouraged me to look forward to the day when my windows could truly be wide open and I could let the sunshine in. This week, I had the curious opportunity to use this analogy in three different occasions, two professionally, and one personally. (Isn't serendipity great!)
This morning, my windows are wide open. It is an absolutely gorgeous morning. My mind is buzzing with the voices of many new friends I have made, and passages from books I have read, and moments in time I have had the unique blessing to be a part of lately.
Many of us, have held onto ways of being and behaving that we believe in, that have NOT led us to healthy outcomes, but we can't let go of. Also we have holed ourselves up in our little worlds of pain and doom and self-criticism and abandoned hope on the outside world having much to offer us. It is only when we open the windows and are willing to receive fresh voices, fresh ways of being, fresh experiences, that we are able to grow and become better selves.
Read, talk, watch, listen, taking part, being present, trying new things ..... all of these are ways of opening your windows and bringing you closer to change and closer to growth.
Yeah....my windows are definitely open, and it's a beautiful world.
This morning, my windows are wide open. It is an absolutely gorgeous morning. My mind is buzzing with the voices of many new friends I have made, and passages from books I have read, and moments in time I have had the unique blessing to be a part of lately.
Many of us, have held onto ways of being and behaving that we believe in, that have NOT led us to healthy outcomes, but we can't let go of. Also we have holed ourselves up in our little worlds of pain and doom and self-criticism and abandoned hope on the outside world having much to offer us. It is only when we open the windows and are willing to receive fresh voices, fresh ways of being, fresh experiences, that we are able to grow and become better selves.
Read, talk, watch, listen, taking part, being present, trying new things ..... all of these are ways of opening your windows and bringing you closer to change and closer to growth.
Yeah....my windows are definitely open, and it's a beautiful world.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I love me
Ok- here it is- the "What I love about me assignment" that I think at some time or another, we have all come across or been told to do to... I have to admit, I have never really done it- For some reason, I am ready!
It has taken me a long time to be ready to write this, and I think therapists have no idea how long it does take for us to be here because of the dark world we live in inside.... BUT, today, I feel like it!
My job lately has taken me on the road again, and I have had the opportunity to surreptitiously steal a few moments here and there at the beach, in the woods, in a park....and I suppose these thoughts reflect my out of doors connections a little bit (and too much sun on the brain), but here goes. Thank you for humoring me. It feels a little more self-centered than a post should (even for something as narcisistic as a blog in the first place!) But, I want to record this for my own posterity, and to demonstrate, just how good, it does feel, to simply FEEL GOOD.
-------------------------
I love that I hear and see and know things that other people do not. I love that I feel more deeply than I should sometimes.
I love that my greatest weaknesses are my greatest strengths.
I love that I am alone right now, and learning to love silence.
I love, that my smile makes other people smile.
I love that I can codeswitch, and talk to anyone. I love that if you locked me in a room with anyone for an hour, I would leave knowing their life story.
I love that I periodically speak in 4 different (horrible) accents... and seem to be working on my brooklyn one- YO.
I love that I grew up poor, and know exactly what I need in life. I love that I need very little to be happy.
I love that things of beauty in nature and art deeply move and affect me: like the ocean, mountains, a sunset, a rainbow, a painting, or a poem. I recognize that they are ALL powers greater than myself. I can become completely lost in these things.
I love that I compulsively sing and my children do too now. I love that I know the words to songs nobody else knows. And my children do too now.
I love that people fall in love with my sons instantly, but are a little intimidated by my daughter. I love that I may be raising the next viking warrior queen.
I love that I actually do believe every answer in life can be found in the Wizard of Oz.
I love that sometimes, I think I have actually discovered the meaning of life, (hint- rent the Wizard of Oz)
I love that I have grown my grandfather's wine colored iris everyplace I have ever lived.
I love that I have an almost inexplicably insatiable curiosity.
I love that I do not believe in God, but I do believe that if there is one, God believes in me.
I love that I now know so many backroads in CT that it doesn't matter anymore when I get lost. Of course, I only know those roads from getting lost in the first place!
I love that I do not REALLY place much value on personal grooming. But, I also love that I feel good in my skin now and DO IT FOR MYSELF when I do decide to "clean up and step out".
I love that I am so good at my job my boss overlooks things like lapses in professional grooming, showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and occasionally doing odd things like sticking my tongue out at co-workers or going on a political soapbox at an inopportune moment.
I love that I make ADHD look good.
I love that the strangest things bring tears to my eyes, like a flower left on a bench, or a strangers baby announcement.
I love that my daughter and I both are going to grow our hair out long together. I love that I am addicted to coloring my hair and don't really care what anyone else thinks, even when the result is a disaster.
I love that I never give up, well past even when I probably should.
I love that I am incapable of anger (despite all the therapy it has required! it is still a blessing!- refer to second point).
I love that I am a science fiction geek. For that matter, I love that I am a geek.
I love that I am most definitely weird, and quite possibly crazy.
I love that I have never, ever, lost my sense of humor.
I love that I am not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.
I love that I have learned to live with my mistakes.
I love that little children come to me and warm up to me, even the ones that usually don't trust strangers.
I love that I can dance.
I love that people are my real addiction, that it is where I draw my energy from, and that I know that now.
I love that I have found 14 four leaf clovers (edited 6/5/09 19!) in my life, because I always know where to look.
I love that I can change a tire in less than 20 minutes.
I love that I am not a snob.
I love my midwestern work ethic (of course it makes up nicely for the ADHD).
I love that I am still passionate about my job, and people know that I am passionate about it too, and I make them passionate about what they do as well.
I love that I am complex, that there are sides of me nobody really knows about or understands and that I have the rest of my life to figure myself out. I love that I am ok with all of me, finally.
I love that I am a survivor. I love that more than once in my life, I have surprised people and people have said the phrase about me, "never judge a book by it's cover".
I love that despite everything, I still believe in true love.
I love that I am joyful.
I love that I AM a mother. That I live and breathe this role, that I wanted to be one since I was a little girl, and that my children each have a piece of me inside of them, and that I will BE a mother until the day I die.
I love that I get knocked down, but I always get back up again. I love that I give the word tenacity a whole new meaning.
I love that my core values are kindness, gratitude, and inclusion and I live by those values. I love that I know what my core values are.
I love me
--------------------------------
Find the path towards loving yourself too... and your freedom. I would love to see your "l love myself" lists someday. We are works in progress, and we must love that we are growing, learning, and "becoming".
Amy
It has taken me a long time to be ready to write this, and I think therapists have no idea how long it does take for us to be here because of the dark world we live in inside.... BUT, today, I feel like it!
My job lately has taken me on the road again, and I have had the opportunity to surreptitiously steal a few moments here and there at the beach, in the woods, in a park....and I suppose these thoughts reflect my out of doors connections a little bit (and too much sun on the brain), but here goes. Thank you for humoring me. It feels a little more self-centered than a post should (even for something as narcisistic as a blog in the first place!) But, I want to record this for my own posterity, and to demonstrate, just how good, it does feel, to simply FEEL GOOD.
-------------------------
I love that I hear and see and know things that other people do not. I love that I feel more deeply than I should sometimes.
I love that my greatest weaknesses are my greatest strengths.
I love that I am alone right now, and learning to love silence.
I love, that my smile makes other people smile.
I love that I can codeswitch, and talk to anyone. I love that if you locked me in a room with anyone for an hour, I would leave knowing their life story.
I love that I periodically speak in 4 different (horrible) accents... and seem to be working on my brooklyn one- YO.
I love that I grew up poor, and know exactly what I need in life. I love that I need very little to be happy.
I love that things of beauty in nature and art deeply move and affect me: like the ocean, mountains, a sunset, a rainbow, a painting, or a poem. I recognize that they are ALL powers greater than myself. I can become completely lost in these things.
I love that I compulsively sing and my children do too now. I love that I know the words to songs nobody else knows. And my children do too now.
I love that people fall in love with my sons instantly, but are a little intimidated by my daughter. I love that I may be raising the next viking warrior queen.
I love that I actually do believe every answer in life can be found in the Wizard of Oz.
I love that sometimes, I think I have actually discovered the meaning of life, (hint- rent the Wizard of Oz)
I love that I have grown my grandfather's wine colored iris everyplace I have ever lived.
I love that I have an almost inexplicably insatiable curiosity.
I love that I do not believe in God, but I do believe that if there is one, God believes in me.
I love that I now know so many backroads in CT that it doesn't matter anymore when I get lost. Of course, I only know those roads from getting lost in the first place!
I love that I do not REALLY place much value on personal grooming. But, I also love that I feel good in my skin now and DO IT FOR MYSELF when I do decide to "clean up and step out".
I love that I am so good at my job my boss overlooks things like lapses in professional grooming, showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and occasionally doing odd things like sticking my tongue out at co-workers or going on a political soapbox at an inopportune moment.
I love that I make ADHD look good.
I love that the strangest things bring tears to my eyes, like a flower left on a bench, or a strangers baby announcement.
I love that my daughter and I both are going to grow our hair out long together. I love that I am addicted to coloring my hair and don't really care what anyone else thinks, even when the result is a disaster.
I love that I never give up, well past even when I probably should.
I love that I am incapable of anger (despite all the therapy it has required! it is still a blessing!- refer to second point).
I love that I am a science fiction geek. For that matter, I love that I am a geek.
I love that I am most definitely weird, and quite possibly crazy.
I love that I have never, ever, lost my sense of humor.
I love that I am not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.
I love that I have learned to live with my mistakes.
I love that little children come to me and warm up to me, even the ones that usually don't trust strangers.
I love that I can dance.
I love that people are my real addiction, that it is where I draw my energy from, and that I know that now.
I love that I have found 14 four leaf clovers (edited 6/5/09 19!) in my life, because I always know where to look.
I love that I can change a tire in less than 20 minutes.
I love that I am not a snob.
I love my midwestern work ethic (of course it makes up nicely for the ADHD).
I love that I am still passionate about my job, and people know that I am passionate about it too, and I make them passionate about what they do as well.
I love that I am complex, that there are sides of me nobody really knows about or understands and that I have the rest of my life to figure myself out. I love that I am ok with all of me, finally.
I love that I am a survivor. I love that more than once in my life, I have surprised people and people have said the phrase about me, "never judge a book by it's cover".
I love that despite everything, I still believe in true love.
I love that I am joyful.
I love that I AM a mother. That I live and breathe this role, that I wanted to be one since I was a little girl, and that my children each have a piece of me inside of them, and that I will BE a mother until the day I die.
I love that I get knocked down, but I always get back up again. I love that I give the word tenacity a whole new meaning.
I love that my core values are kindness, gratitude, and inclusion and I live by those values. I love that I know what my core values are.
I love me
--------------------------------
Find the path towards loving yourself too... and your freedom. I would love to see your "l love myself" lists someday. We are works in progress, and we must love that we are growing, learning, and "becoming".
Amy
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
In review
The human body, it is strong and it is resilient, but it is a living growing thing. We have cells that need certain things to function and to replenish themselves. Our bodies do so much work for us to breathe, replace blood cells and bone and muscle tissue; and must have energy to move, think, and balance all these functions.
Water,
Fresh air,
Healthy foods
Rest
and Exercise
and sunshine, good thoughts and hope....
These are the things we need...
When you take care of your body, it WILL take care of you, I promise this my friends!
Water,
Fresh air,
Healthy foods
Rest
and Exercise
and sunshine, good thoughts and hope....
These are the things we need...
When you take care of your body, it WILL take care of you, I promise this my friends!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Standing by you
My friends,
It has occured to me more and more how we have the unique opportunity to support each other because of how deeply we understand each other. It is my hope that everyone who suffers will find a way to reach out to someone they trust to help them get out to the other side and then someday find it within themselves to reach out to others and help them through.
I hope my new friends will continue to reach out to each other and support each other as well as look inside to themselves and find that friend INSIDE OF THEMSELVES that they can trust! Part of recovery is finding your inner strength and learning how to "act in smarter ways" to look out for yourself. (Remember, we have to learn to become better and more trustworthy friends and caretakers to ourselves too)
Wishing everyone a peaceful day,
Your friend in this battle (even if we never meet),
Amy
Whether you are looking to me, others, or yourself for strength, this song is dedicated to all my beautiful special friends today!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maAyfcO-X3k&feature=PlayList&p=887B077043D171CF&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19
It has occured to me more and more how we have the unique opportunity to support each other because of how deeply we understand each other. It is my hope that everyone who suffers will find a way to reach out to someone they trust to help them get out to the other side and then someday find it within themselves to reach out to others and help them through.
I hope my new friends will continue to reach out to each other and support each other as well as look inside to themselves and find that friend INSIDE OF THEMSELVES that they can trust! Part of recovery is finding your inner strength and learning how to "act in smarter ways" to look out for yourself. (Remember, we have to learn to become better and more trustworthy friends and caretakers to ourselves too)
Wishing everyone a peaceful day,
Your friend in this battle (even if we never meet),
Amy
Whether you are looking to me, others, or yourself for strength, this song is dedicated to all my beautiful special friends today!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maAyfcO-X3k&feature=PlayList&p=887B077043D171CF&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Out damned spot
In the scene in MacBeth when Lady MacBeth has become obsessed with her husband's murder and figuratively cannot become clean, she continues to compulsively clean her hands and becries,
"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"
For those of us farther down the recovery road- it seems like we fought like that against our weight and bodies, and then continue even upon recovery, to fight like that to rid ourselves of the imprints of this disease upon ourselves, because we are stigmatized and feel marked by it for years. In many ways, there is no perfect recovery. We struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with the after effects of having had an eating disorder that linger upon us for a long time- in fact we wish to blot away the very fact we had an eating disorder.
In some ways it feels similar to the constellation of other behaviors we have related to our perfectionism-As we often struggle with imperfect situations in our lives. We have difficulty sitting with our feelings, we have difficulty with failure, loss, inadequacy. These painful cycles of self judgment, and attempts to correct situations, attempts to heal ourselves and even make everyone happy "in the end" and move beyond the past, find the answer that we missed, sometimes just need to be put away....
So today, I say, Ed (and eternal searching) be damned--
Today, you can just go away and leave me the hell alone.
Because I want to just sit with my feelings and eat some chocolate. Like other people do, when they are in a crappy mood.
"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"
For those of us farther down the recovery road- it seems like we fought like that against our weight and bodies, and then continue even upon recovery, to fight like that to rid ourselves of the imprints of this disease upon ourselves, because we are stigmatized and feel marked by it for years. In many ways, there is no perfect recovery. We struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with the after effects of having had an eating disorder that linger upon us for a long time- in fact we wish to blot away the very fact we had an eating disorder.
In some ways it feels similar to the constellation of other behaviors we have related to our perfectionism-As we often struggle with imperfect situations in our lives. We have difficulty sitting with our feelings, we have difficulty with failure, loss, inadequacy. These painful cycles of self judgment, and attempts to correct situations, attempts to heal ourselves and even make everyone happy "in the end" and move beyond the past, find the answer that we missed, sometimes just need to be put away....
So today, I say, Ed (and eternal searching) be damned--
Today, you can just go away and leave me the hell alone.
Because I want to just sit with my feelings and eat some chocolate. Like other people do, when they are in a crappy mood.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
It's a new day
Remember my friends, Every day is a new day....
Rise each morning and no matter what mistakes you made the day before, we put one foot in front of the other. And we can make this day better than the day before. That is the glory of time, it only moves forward.
So, let's all keep moving forward together! I know I for one am! It's a beautiful morning and I have a lot of seeds to plant with my children this afternoon. Who can think about silly things like their bodies and their weight or worry about what others think about them when they have their beautiful smiling children next to them with their hands in the fresh damp soil?
I hope everyone is able to find something beautiful to do today to remind them of the real reasons for living.
Rise each morning and no matter what mistakes you made the day before, we put one foot in front of the other. And we can make this day better than the day before. That is the glory of time, it only moves forward.
So, let's all keep moving forward together! I know I for one am! It's a beautiful morning and I have a lot of seeds to plant with my children this afternoon. Who can think about silly things like their bodies and their weight or worry about what others think about them when they have their beautiful smiling children next to them with their hands in the fresh damp soil?
I hope everyone is able to find something beautiful to do today to remind them of the real reasons for living.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Never again..
There is a place in our lives....for being able to say "never again"
When we must be able to grow from saying... "I am trying" to "I will stop". I will take a stand, I am worth drawing a line in the sand for. Several times in my life, I am proud to say, I was able to say, NEVER AGAIN. Never again will I purge. Never again, will I risk my life in certain ways. Never again, will I allow certain influences upon me. Never again, will I allow certain things/ situations/people to hurt me. Never again will I carelessly put myself in harms way.
These are hard moments, but these are the strongest moments. These are our most defining moments. These are our safest moments and our most life altering. These are the moments we have our voice, even if we do it in silence. These are our most beautiful, intelligent, soaring, inspiring, confident and FREE moments.
I hope my friends are able to reach their "never agains" someday as well. Trust me, I do know how hard it is.
Because we are "what if-er"s and "if only-ers" and "maybe it will be different this tim-ers".... we like to leave doors open and we don't trust ourselves and our instincts. We are afraid our voices will fail us and we are afraid that the consequences of standing up for ourselves and our altered future will be worse than if we just leave it alone. But sometimes... a change must come. That is the only way out of the place you are in.
Practice just saying that.... "never again".... doesn't that sound nice!
-------------------------------------------------------
When we must be able to grow from saying... "I am trying" to "I will stop". I will take a stand, I am worth drawing a line in the sand for. Several times in my life, I am proud to say, I was able to say, NEVER AGAIN. Never again will I purge. Never again, will I risk my life in certain ways. Never again, will I allow certain influences upon me. Never again, will I allow certain things/ situations/people to hurt me. Never again will I carelessly put myself in harms way.
These are hard moments, but these are the strongest moments. These are our most defining moments. These are our safest moments and our most life altering. These are the moments we have our voice, even if we do it in silence. These are our most beautiful, intelligent, soaring, inspiring, confident and FREE moments.
I hope my friends are able to reach their "never agains" someday as well. Trust me, I do know how hard it is.
Because we are "what if-er"s and "if only-ers" and "maybe it will be different this tim-ers".... we like to leave doors open and we don't trust ourselves and our instincts. We are afraid our voices will fail us and we are afraid that the consequences of standing up for ourselves and our altered future will be worse than if we just leave it alone. But sometimes... a change must come. That is the only way out of the place you are in.
Practice just saying that.... "never again".... doesn't that sound nice!
-------------------------------------------------------
No more
Never again shall I kneel to thee
Demon of my haunted self
Turning myself inside out
For you no more
I am not your human bride
I shall not sacrifice my
Soul to your chains of eternal thirst and hunger
And doomsday reflections
These hands I own
This body I nourish to walk forth strongly towards
It’s destiny
This mouth to laugh
And sing
And fill with earthly delights as indeed
I now fill my soul
With the beautiful things
That once were hidden from me
When I was yours
No more ED demon
I cast you back
To the pits of hell
Where you belong!
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