Being real

A number of moments and things said to me this week have reminded me of the importance and challenges of being real. Of the importance of constantly seeking that authenticity within ourselves and the activities and people around us. It is so easy to slip into scripts and storylines in an effort to escape our realities; to create more exciting realities; to deny parts of ourselves that we fear are not pleasing to others but are still essential parts of ourselves; or perhaps we perceive as flaws but in reality are just part of our unique makeup.

I remember so many times in my past, feeling like Pinocchio when I would have these golden moments, when all of a sudden looking at my child, or finally feeling as though I was connecting with the person I was struggling most with in my life, or looking at myself in the mirror and having a deep realization and being "present" and thinking- wow- this is REAL and this is GOOD.

And I remember wondering over and over-- who am I? who am I really? And I no longer wonder that anymore. And that is the greatest feeling. To know exactly who I am.

And all your senses are alive, and perhaps you are naked and vulnerable to the world, BUT you are feeling and seeing everything. And maybe others can see and feel you too. And you connect. And you suddenly know where you stand.

But it's only in living in those times, that you can find and in essence allow true joy in your life. And it takes practice and discipline to live in your true reality. Stripped of alter egos, and falsitudes, and saying to the world, this is me, accept me as I am. And not letting people who don't accept you as you are stay close enough to judge you or hurt you. And not playing in playgrounds that create false idols or playing with substances that encourage you to put on false faces.

But truly, it does take strength and courage to be yourself. Especially if perhaps your past is one where you were not accept for who you really were. So learning how to do it, is a learning curve like everything else. It is all just part of our neverending journey!

Peace,

Amy
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"No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one."

- Hawthorne

"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway."

- Mother Theresa

"No legacy is so rich as honesty."

- Shakespeare

For Michelle

Many years ago, I lost someone close to me under terrible circumstances. We had been close friends for a very long time. She was a beautiful special person. She was someplace she should not have been and nobody, including myself, told her not to be there. We had parted two months prior under less than ideal terms before her death. I was young and overwhelmed with my life. I thought I could always come back and “fix things up” between her and I. Life never gave me that chance.

This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?

As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.

But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.

We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.

For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993

staying on the sunny path

Several years ago, I was challenged to no longer plan my life, but to simply live my life. While this advice comes to us in many forms (live one day at a time, live in the moment) it is one those axioms that is easier said than done. Again one is faced with the question- How?

As I began this new way of facing each day, it became apparent that each day we are presented with multiple paths to choose from. It is the paths we choose each day, that lead us along to safety and happiness.

Some paths are in the sunlight, and have positive things for us lining the path.

Other paths lead to old coping skills, risk factors and darknesses.

We get to make these choices every day. Learning to recognize the difference between these paths, and when we are about to step on one, requires paying attention to where we are going, and remembering where we have been.

the other side

I know I have written about this before...

perhaps it is a reminder for myself, to be strong and keep going
perhaps it is a reminder for you
but the other side is beautiful
being strong is beautiful
speaking in your own voice is amazing
living your life the way it is meant to be is powerful
accepting your body the way it is supposed to be is freedom
eating food with calmness and comfort is wonderful

the other side is beautiful
come and join the recovered.....

keep on focusing on yourself, your recovery goals, keep reminding yourself that recovery matters, perhaps even above other things, even if other people don't understand

Because a life with an eating disorder

is no kind of a life

This is going to brief...

but just a reminder to all my friends.

You have a right to say no, to create walls, to create barriers to the things that hurt you.

You have to be able to identify those things, those spaces, those people. And then it's your life and you HAVE the right to say... NO. I will not accept this kind of pain in my life.

Grace

I was challenged this week to give myself grace.

I will admit, as part of my nature, and my standards for myself this is a concept that not only is foreign to me, but one I shrug off as perhaps counterproductive in reaching my goals.

-Grace-

What is it?

"a disposition to kindness and compassion"

"favor or good will"

"mercy, pardon, clemency"

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In my ever expanding search and desire to become stronger, smarter, wiser, it is hard for me to stop, to breathe, to slow down. It is hard for me to accept my frailities, my weaknesses and my gaps in my development too. I was challenged two weeks ago by the question:

"why do you think you are impervious to harm?"

Yet I did not fully understand this question or this insight.
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I was conducting a year end focus group of my program last night. While I listened to the participants post mortem of their experience, I knew that many of their criticisms were indeed issues that were things within my control and that had been problems because of my own limitations this year. Things I had been unable to "get together". I began to feel increasingly bad about my performance and how it had impacted them.

But then I remembered, the many intense stressors I have endured in the past 6 months. Many of which I have yet to perhaps allow myself to rest and fully recover from- some of which the very same day I was still dealing with. And I remembered, yes, I was not impervious to harm. My work had suffered from these events, as it should have. I was allowed this.

And,

I gave myself grace.
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In our daily lives, I think many of us are quite brutal to ourselves in our expectations of what we should be able to do and survive. Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest, to feel, to hurt when we need to. Many of us do not allow ourselves to be human. And as I have said before, being human is messy business.

In what ways do you not see your own humanity? If you were to give yourself grace today, what would it look like?

Thank you my dear friends, for pointing out my weaknesses as I continue along my very humbling journey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A

My Manifesto

Why am I doing this and what do I hope to accomplish?

I have been trying to write this for a while. Three years ago, I decided when I was strong enough- when I was "there" (some vaque indefinable quality of readiness)- I would take a stand and help others and set myself on a road towards becoming an advocate in the area of eating disorders. I knew I had to in order to make meaning of the lifetime I had suffered at the hands of Ed. I knew that it had to be something that I would stand by, with my own pride and dignity in order to make a difference in the world, to ease the suffering of others. I knew I had to in order to make a better world for my daughter and her peers. That is the why. It is simple. It is a bottom line.

What do I want?

I want to be a liason for the rest of the world. To help them see the suffering we go through. Not to torment them, but to humanize our cause. To give us respect, dignity, understanding and resources. I want them to understand we are not trying to disappoint them, not willingly doing this to ourselves, and not doing this to hurt others. But doing this because it is truly a horrible mental disorder that cripples millions of men and women who are senseless victims. And that we are in pain.

I want to use my experiences to reach out and help others. I hope through my battles and my perspectives I can help others. It is so hard to recover and there are so few that do and are willing to become public. I feel that as many that can become public should in order to inspire others. It is important for sufferers to know that there is a beautiful strong life after ED. They can only know that if those who have achieved it come forth as models of this.

I want to help create new models of support and recovery. There are critical gaps in the types available. There are critical issues in what are available. I would like to use my voice and my background to help change the direction and variety of what is provided in the future.

I want to become an advocate for prevention. Too many are attracted to eating disorders. More needs to be voiced about how horrible this life is. We need to change how girls (and boys) grow up thinking about their bodies and their personal power.

This is important to me, this is real. My voice was silenced for a very long time. I will not let voices real, or unreal dissuade me. It may take a lifetime. I may make a small dent, and that is ok. It does not matter the size of the dent. It will be my dent. And that's

Ok. Because it will be mine. Just like my body.