This year- Give the gift of love!

The last few years, each holiday season has been better than the one before it. Having an Eating Disorder at the holidays is becoming a distant but sad memory. For how many years was I focusing on all the wrong things? How many holidays did I lose to my ED? Being recovered has allowed me the peace and joy to focus on the time spent with family and friends, instead of holding me back. Losing the Eating Disorder has been like losing an invisible enemy who is always with you; always ready to destroy the happiest moments in life.

This year, why not give yourself the most loving gift you can; give yourself the gift of love. Love who you are ENOUGH to have a holiday with your ED. Even if it's just for a day or two- tell yourself- my ED has no place in the festivities of the next few days. Relish every moment with your family and friends and enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of the season. Enjoy happy smiles on childrens faces! Enjoy the hugs and the kisses and the laughter. Let your friends and loved ones wrap their arms around you. Savor these tender and intimate moments as the gifts of love from others which they are intended to be. Give yourself moments to breathe, and remember there is no need to be perfect, to be the best, or to worry about how others feel. Give yourself an easy, happy, and sweet holiday!

Wishing all my friends peace and joy this holiday season!

Be healthy and happy,

Amy

Holidays

So here we are. The fudge. The cheesecake. The cookies. There are so many ways to look at this.

We are called upon to enjoy ourselves over and over with friends and family. Plus pictures will be taken of you at those occassions.

Perhaps we should stop to focus on the fact that the occasions are really about love and connecting with others. Rather than on the food itself. To us, with our intense focus on seeing the food, simultaneously craving it and loathing it, and the anxiety over what we will DO with the food, the food takes on a life of it's own this time of year.

Remember that the food will always be there, but the people won't.

Obsessing over the food, will only destroy the moment put before you.

Eating this time of year will not be a "mistake". It will not be irreparable damage. But losing out on time with your family and friends, and listening to what they say, will be lost forever.

Here are some ideas:
Enjoy the season in ways that do NOT involve food. Enjoy making crafts with friends, developing photos, decorating and making your home warm and inviting.

Make food for others, and allow yourself to enjoy in the appropriate moderation. I love baking treats this time of year, turning my kitchen into a cookie warehouse actually decreases the odds I will eat too much of them. I enjoy packaging them. I only bake as much as I will use to give away though!

Enjoy some treats of the season that will not cause you stress. Warm mulled cider, flavored coffees, fresh fruits that are in season, nuts and cranberries. Go ahead and eat! But eat healthy!

Allow yourself to enjoy the foods that you are given, while also being honest with yourself and OTHERS. Be able to say, no thank you it looks lovely but I am FULL!

Most of all remember, the gift of your health is precious.

What if...

All this was not as hard as we think it is.

Lately I have been wondering if the cure to eating disorders doesn't lie in the following four things:

1) Own lots of black, because it really is the ONLY color a woman should wear
2) Own LOTS of spandex (explanation unnecessary)
3) Eat more protein, because it does wonders for your overall health and weight management (in any direction)
4) Stay away from people who make you feel like shit. It isn't you, it's them.

yes- this is overly simplistic and I am a little facetious. But- I think there is truth to be found in simple observations sometimes.

We need so many more idols like this!

She is lovely, she is strong, she is CURVY!

I love her!!!

http://soul88.blogspot.com/2009/03/mad-mens-christina-hendricks-named-tv.html

The Holidays

They are upon us. The unholy trio: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Never mind the extra food activities that seem to get slipped in there- the office parties, the fall apple pies, hannukah chocolates.

This is indeed a DIFFICULT time of year for us. This is how I am going to get through it this year, let me know if you like this strategy!

I am definitely going to revisit my meal plan. I know that on my meal plan I CAN eat a single little treat each day. I also am supposed to keep up my moderate exercise when I follow the meal plan.

I am going to make sure I pick up a couple of flattering outfits that make me FEEL GOOD about myself- so I am not additionally overwhelmed by poor body image.

I will plan for the days that I'm not going to worry about food. For me I know which dates those are: Thanksgiving and Christmas eve and Christmas Day. EVERY OTHER SINGLE DAY, I'm going to follow my meal plan.

I'm going to look for a few new "healthy" recipes that will still give me those wonderful fall flavors without overwhelming me. Mulled cider? Baked apples (without the pie crust!)?

I'm going to refuse to engage in conversations with other folks about "how much I'm putting on because of the holidays". It will trigger me and make me feel worse. I will learn to smile and say something encouraging and walk away.

Let me know if you have any other great ideas!!!

Amy

Progress

I finally picked a title for my book (sorry too superstitious to reveal it yet!)

And have been researching different options such as print on demand and e-books. I know that's kind of taking a different approach, and maybe I should be submitting it to publishers. I just don't feeeeel like it!

Be happy healthy and smart everyone!

update from Amy

Hello dear friends,

I know i have been silent lately. It isn't for a bad reason. In fact, it's for a very very good reason. I have finally been able to really get to work on finishing my book! it's taken three years to compile and organize it, but I can honestly say it's shaping up.

I'm very excited because I actually feel like I'm going to be able to offer something new.

I am going to try to self-publish as a downloadable (e.g.,"kindle") book so that the price will be affordable and I won't have to work with middle men in publishing.

Be happy and be free!

Amy

The power of forgiveness

Lately I’ve been challenged by my own internal struggle over forgiveness.

I have been seeking my own ability to move past a number of events in my life. As I have gone on this journey to understand forgiveness and learn how to truly practice it; It has frequently occurred to me how the process of forgiveness applies to our ability to recover from an eating disorder.

We frequently are “angry” or “resentful” of ourselves for having bodies that are “imperfect” or “not good enough”. We seem trapped in the idea that if only our bodies were better, that somehow our lives would be better. We take out this anger of our imperfect body on ourselves. We cast our bodies (and our traitor selves) as the enemy and distance ourselves from our bodies, because it is our bodies that are doing so much wrong in our lives and that with which we must do battle with.

When we are hungry we are angry at ourselves for being unable to control our appetite. After we have eaten we are angry at ourselves for having eaten “too much”. When we look in the mirror, we are angry for not having done enough to have the perfect body at this point in out lives. We are irrationally angry and bitter at ourselves for things over which we have no control, and are perfectly normal human ways of living and being. The ways that we are meant to be.

It seems that simply forgiving ourselves, our lives, and our DNA is in order.

Recently this was shared with me:

http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/

It seems to have implications for our battle as well. I am going to learn how to say to myself

“I forgive you” more often. If we forgave ourselves our imperfections in the FIRST PLACE, perhaps we wouldn’t find ourselves trapped in the position to forgive ourselves for relapse as often as we do.

Kate Dillon

Just a recommended reading this morning :) made my monday morning!

http://shine.yahoo.com/event/bikini/model-kate-dillon-speaks-out-about-being-too-skinny-too-plus-size-and-whats-up-with-the-crystal-controversy-2015056/

and such a lovely photo! The healthy female body is lovely!

http://www.judgmentofparis.com/kd/elle01.jpg

The Cost and Responsibility of Freedom

I was thinking this weekend how much Freedom costs and how we take it for granted. We don't always truly stop to appreciate how our freedom as Americans was fought for and died for. How we have certain freedoms (e.g., freedom to worship as we wish, freedom of speech, free education, and separation of church and state) that without these freedoms life would be very very hard.

But as women (I do realize I tend to write with a female slant, I do understand there are men with EDs, I think this post may be female oriented though my apologies to any male readers), we have particular freedoms as well that were fought for over time. Freedom to vote, to own property. Freedom to think differently from your husband. These particular freedoms lead to the ability to have a career and not be dependent on a man. Freedom from styles of clothing that restricted health and movement and over emphasized the female form. The freedom to exercise in a healthy fashion. The freedom to practice birth control and to control when one WOULD have intercourse and whether or not it would lead to a pregnancy. The life of a woman in America was fought for by women who were concerned about the well-being of their daughters and their daughters daughters. That is a legacy that we should strive to uphold in their honor. Just as American's we should uphold the freedoms fought for us by our ancestors and fight for their protections.

Submitting to social pressures to look a certain way in order to wear certain clothing which is restricting or overemphasizes a particular area of the body, submitting to pressure to attract a man, or emphasizing ones appearance over ones true value in the world (your mind, heart, and your capacities to create and build).... all of these are critical mistakes which do not honor the legacy that we were given.

Women like Jane Addams, Susan B. Anthony, Margaret Sanger, Mary Wollstonecraft, Mary McLeod Bethune, and Eleanore Roosevelt have changed the world for women, and they didn't do it by worrying about their weight and their looks!!!!

The line stays

I still believe. When you draw the line in the sand. The day you say- I am done with this- No more self abuse, no more purging, no more starving, no more allowing Ed in my head. The line has to stay.

You allow relapse, you allow steps backward. I do not believe being soft in recovery. I do not believe in that.

When you draw the line in the sand, the sand is concrete and there is no turning back.

Who are you meant to be?

I am watching my daughter growing now into a strong, vibrant, very independent minded young woman. She is not lithe. She is not light on her feet. In fact, if she wanted to “take out” any boy in her fourth grade class, I am quite sure she could. Medically, she is probably considered close to overweight because she is so strong and sturdy. She does not have the look and feel of other girls in her class. If you pick her up, you would feel her density.

When she is on the soccer field, for every ten girls playing, there is usually one other like her. With strong legs, and powerful stance. A low center of gravity and less bounce to her dribble across the field.

And I watch her with pride, when she scowls across the field, fierce and mighty, and kicks the ball as hard as she can. I know she feels powerful then, and unhindered. I know she feels accomplished and feels like she is who she is “supposed to be” in those moments. She is truly her most beautiful then.

But I also know she is starting to feel different from other girls. She tells me this. She is beginning to compare herself physically to the other girls.And I tell her, you are who you are supposed to be. And I love you just the way you are.

She is like her mother, sometimes she grooms and wants to be “girlie”. She loves dresses, like her mother. Would collect them if she could. But, sometimes she’d rather be in the dirt, with her pants rolled up, and her hair wildly blowing in the wind (and thorns and leaves stuck to it!). Because some days she just can’t be bothered with brushing her hair. Like her mother, “reminders are helpful”.

And no matter what, wild and messy, or hair brushed and in a pink dress, she is beautiful. Because she is herself. Not the vision of what someone else wants her to be at those times.

She is curious like her mother, opinionated, and is finding her voice, so much earlier than I ever did. She does not have a quiet voice. When she wants to speak, she says it loud enough so you know WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

And it is my hope, that she will know that she is becoming WHO she is meant to be. And that she will keep becoming WHO she is meant to be. A strong woman, a fierce woman, a smart woman, a woman who is not to be messed with. A woman whose body is strong and will not fail her or her children when she needs it.

Because more than anything, I want her to be a confidant woman. And you can’t be confidant- if you are trying to be someone who are you ARENT supposed to be.

WHO are you meant to be? Are you honoring that?

Just as I am

I don’t like to share much specific details about my personal situation on here, as it seems somewhat in questionable taste.

However, you could say, my heart took quite a journey the last several years. Over the last few years, I was forced to examine the relationship that I was in and the effects it was having on my well being and the well being of my children. Eventually I decided to end that relationship and end the pain and neverending confusion in my life that it caused. Then the journey took me on the path that included the bumps and bruises along the way of redefining myself as a single woman.

And then out of the blue, when my life was momentarily still, a new relationship began. And there is a story about that relationship, that I would like to tell.....

About a year and a half ago, when my other relationship was clearly over, and I was in a dark and quiet and contemplative place, a friend told me to write my “bottomlines” as I like to call them. This is the list of things you will never settle for in a relationship again. The things you must have. And I did. And that list is private and just for me, so I won’t post all of them here. But so you have an understand of the gist of them, a few of them are:

He must smile when I walk into the room

He must love children and understand how I love children

And about six months into my relationship, I revisited this list and found that indeed, and to my utter amazement, my guy met every criteria on my must have's list.

And then I realized, the other day, there is a criteria I did not put on the list, that perhaps would have trumped all of them. That this new relationship brings to me that profoundly amazes me each and every day.

He must love me just as I am

This kind of love; this love without judgment ; Love without desire for perfection or change, is a new experience for me. It is healing, it is right, and it is liberating. It encourages me to love myself as I am. It is comfortable and it is comforting.

And the reason I share this, is because I want to encourage my friends to BELIEVE, and to encourage you to include this on your lists. To never doubt that this is out there. And to hold high standards for the love you seek. What if we had this expectation for every supportive relationship we sought in life? How different would our lives, and indeed the world be?

Poetry about eating disorders

This may be too difficult for some readers, as I found it somewhat difficult for me. But some of it is very beautiful as well.

http://www.caringonline.com/feelings/poetry/collection/index.htm

Be kind and always do your best

In the first chapter of the book, "Writing Down the Bones " , the author (Natalie Goldberg) says the best advice she ever received and the best you could ever give to others was, to "be kind and always do your best".

This has in fact been stuck in my mind for several months now.

As perfectionists, I think it is perilous territory how we perceive the latter part of that message and it is indeed the combination of the two that matters.

Being kind- to ourselves, to others and to the planet, is that motivation which keeps us honest, and gentle, and grounded. It is that concept which keeps our work good and our actions beneficial and healthy.

Doing your best- will you define that as winning the race? winning the competition? being the prettiest girl at the ball?

that is the dangerous part of the concept.

Doing your best is doing YOUR best. And YOUR best changes from day to day (ala Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements). If you are tired, your best may be less than the day you have slept well and can do more. If you have just broken up with the love of your life, your best may indeed be very very little. But, if you still do YOUR best, each and every day, you will keep the wheels of your life turning and go to bed each day knowing you did a good job and can be satisfied that you did. Because doing your best is not necessarily tied to actions, or what others see, but IS ALSO being true to yourself, your beliefs and your needs as well.

What matters is not winning the race, but the way you perform and live your life across the journey as a whole.

Being kind, slowly and with patience and grace, and doing your best to be kind, day after day, is how we transform ourselves, our world, and each other.

i would encourage my readers to visit this other blog which I have recently had brought to my attention and have been enjoying:

http://kindnessmattersalways.blogspot.com

Because sometimes food IS love....

I started today with a very very old family recipe. It's an acquired taste. And it's certainly not health food. In fact, I will say it's a recipe that "we" would by most accounts be terrified of. But it reminds me of my childhood. Deep fried rice cakes, smothered with butter and syrup. And I remembered the absolute feeling of being full, and nourished. And knowing it was special food and not something to eat every day. And the smell of the crisping rice rising from the hot oil. And my grandmother lifting them up still slightly sizzling onto the plate.

And today, for the first time ever I also baked bread. Not low fat. Not dense whole wheat. Just plain old gorgeous white bread. And it came out JUST RIGHT. And we all just basked in the deliciousness of the aroma that filled the house as it baked. How incredible it was to be baking one of the simplest, yet most satisfying foods that there is. BREAD. One of the foods that has been basic to humanity since the history of cooking. BREAD. One of the foods that women in particular have known how to make around the world in some form or another for centuries upon centuries.

And my children ate this bread, and felt nourished inside, much as I felt nourished by my grandmothers rice cakes.

When we care for others, we nourish them, we fill them, we take care of them. And food, is one of the very basic ways in which we do this. Denying ourselves of food and the opportunities to be loved THROUGH food... is a very very sad thing indeed.

enjoying the silence

The silence.

He is gone.

He no longer speaks to me. Criticizes me, comments on everything I wear. He doesn't look at my reflection every time I pass a window or mirror. He doesn't ask me about every bite I put in my mouth. He doesn't plan my day according to how little I should eat or how long I should exercise.

I live with a blessed silence. And my mind is full of other thoughts now. Happy thoughts. Strong thoughts. Confident thoughts.

This----

IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE.

Something I wish to share-- My Cue Card

A long time ago (yet not so long ago), when things in my life were unsettled, broken, disheveled, painful and uncertain, I had to make myself a cue card. It was a time in my life when I was very scared, alone, and undergoing a great deal of change, without a lot of immediate support around me. It was literally, my sanity to do list to keep myself sane and stable and make it through the day. I found it the other day in the last location I had stashed it. While this is an incredibly personal document, I want to share it. I wrote these on small index card and I would add to it as I found more insight. At that time in my life, I was under so much stress I found my short term memory so impaired, if I didn't write something down immediately, I knew i would forget it. I used to go over this card daily. Then, after a while, I no longer needed it, and it remained, tucked under my mattress- until last month- when flipping the mattress, I discovered it again.

-----------------------------------------------
-Follows the cues. Listen. Watch. Learn. Pay attention. Study the things I don't understand.
- This is my time. Use it.
- Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
-Anything worth doing well takes time.
-This is not a race.
-One thing at a time.
-Emotions are ok. Trust my instincts.
-Be true to the things I have discovered in myself.
-Seek safety and know when to ask for help.
-Be safe, wrap a cloak of protection around myself. Better safe than sorry.
-It's ok to be scared and retreat. Nobody is pushing me. Nothing is urgent.
- I am in control of my life. I make all the choices now.
-Think how things look. Be sensitive to my image as a person- be true- be reserved and in control
- Being alone is ok
-Hold a thought
-Thoughts do not require actions
-Not all people are mean
-But it's ok to make them earn my trust
-EAT
-PACE YOURSELF
-DONT BE PERFECT
-BELIEVE IN THE STEPS ON THE JOURNEY TO RECOVERY

----------

Love to all my beautiful friends today. We are all growing - wonderful works in progress. Life is not easy, sometimes it's scary. But- we are becoming stronger and smarter every day.

Amy

Stress and eating

One of the things, which no matter where we are in recovery- that we will have to deal with is how we each personally respond to stress and how it affects our eating. I personally struggle to eat when I am under stress.

and right now my friends, I am under stress. Factors from my past, combining with current life stress are mixing in my pot to make a bit of a tempestuous brew.

does that mean right now I am eating disordered?

I am aware of it, I am making sure I am conscious and on top of it. I am trying to proactively manage the stress in a way to prevent it from becoming a huge risk factor in my life again.

And I think that is what is key, being able to always remember that we are not like other people. That for us- managing issues in our lives, like stress, is perhaps paramount in a way that it may not be for other people because stress is in fact part of our disorder. While I do pride myself on my ability to persevere and bounce back, there are certainly ways in which I am intensely broken down and (oh god here comes that horrible word) "weak" when it comes to the physical effects of stress on me.

Just a random thought today.

Recovery starts

When you decide it starts-

no more lies
no more excuses
time to choose freedom
time to choose yourself

It's really simple-

nobody else is doing this to you
you don't eat because you chose not to
you purge because you chose to
YOU have to make the choice to stop these behaviors

Somethings in life are hard...

But somethings are basic:

Eat
Sleep
Breathe
Drink water

We beat ourselves up (and down) so much in life. And I think "we" are such driven and ambitious people. And we are holding ourselves back so much by these basic things. Sometimes I see myself and my friends struggle by simply handicapping ourselves by these basic unmet needs.

So today my friends...

Eat
Sleep
Breathe
Drink water

repeat...

as many times as you need to until it sinks in

because really, those dreams and wishes that you have, that you are holding onto so hopefully and tearfully at times... CAN'T come true, if you keep holding yourself back by starving yourself of the essentials of survival on this planet my beautiful friends. We must be strong tigers in the jungles chasing down our dreams FIERCELY and FEARLESSLY, INSTEAD the weakest gazelles limping lifeless and sick on the plains...

For myself

This year- the books get finished.

I owe it to myself :)

Never a better time than now!

One for my professional self (textbook)

AND YES! One for my recovery self and my beautiful friends and the things in my heart I have been longing to share for so long :)

Still a work in progress...

Still have to remember the things I have learned over the years to keep me healthy and strong. I still have to remember that -Amy- is a worthy project and investment. That -Amy- can't have coffee, and needs the things that she needs for important reasons. That -Amy- just isn't like everyone else.

Because we are each unique and what I need is not always what you need.

This commitment, and recommitment to -Amy-, is part of this work in progress.... going on each and every day....

A Decade Ends

This New Years brings a close to the most intense decade of my life. During this time there was great joy as I had become a mother to three beautiful children, but this also saw periods of great unexpected stress as well as the most intense periods of turmoil with my eating disorder and my other health conditions.

Now, at the beginning of 2010, I weigh what I am supposed to weigh. I eat calmly, socially, with few phobias, and without bad urges. The road to this place has not been easy. So, as this last year in particular ends, I am drawn to reflecting on the things I have learned lately:

Life is a precious gift, yours and others. No matter what your view on how we came to be upon this earth, we are here against some great odds and for amazing reasons be they scientific or divine. Respect this gift each and every day.

Most people will do their best, if you help them. But many people are going through life reactively, frustrated and struggling through their own challenges. It is often your own responsibility to help people step up and see how they can give you the best that they can.

No matter what you are going through in life, you can always handle it with grace and dignity.

A woman really can dress her age and her body type and be sexy.

Without hope, there is nothing. Hope comes from within you. Nobody else can really give you that. It is something you must never ever let go of. It is a light within yourself you must believe in and never let the world extinguish. There is ALWAYS hope.

Always do your best. If you always do your best, you never have anything to regret. Your best changes from day to day. So doing your best on the days when you can really rock- makes up for the days when you can't.

It's ok to say no, it's ok to put your needs first, and it's ok to make people earn your trust. It's also ok to say goodbye. In fact, it's more than ok to do these things, it's often necessary.

And finally,

Love DOES come when you least expect it. The best kind of love is being loved for who you are. If someone doesn't love you just the way you are, it isn't worth it.


--Happy New Years-----