enjoying the silence

The silence.

He is gone.

He no longer speaks to me. Criticizes me, comments on everything I wear. He doesn't look at my reflection every time I pass a window or mirror. He doesn't ask me about every bite I put in my mouth. He doesn't plan my day according to how little I should eat or how long I should exercise.

I live with a blessed silence. And my mind is full of other thoughts now. Happy thoughts. Strong thoughts. Confident thoughts.

This----

IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE.

Something I wish to share-- My Cue Card

A long time ago (yet not so long ago), when things in my life were unsettled, broken, disheveled, painful and uncertain, I had to make myself a cue card. It was a time in my life when I was very scared, alone, and undergoing a great deal of change, without a lot of immediate support around me. It was literally, my sanity to do list to keep myself sane and stable and make it through the day. I found it the other day in the last location I had stashed it. While this is an incredibly personal document, I want to share it. I wrote these on small index card and I would add to it as I found more insight. At that time in my life, I was under so much stress I found my short term memory so impaired, if I didn't write something down immediately, I knew i would forget it. I used to go over this card daily. Then, after a while, I no longer needed it, and it remained, tucked under my mattress- until last month- when flipping the mattress, I discovered it again.

-----------------------------------------------
-Follows the cues. Listen. Watch. Learn. Pay attention. Study the things I don't understand.
- This is my time. Use it.
- Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
-Anything worth doing well takes time.
-This is not a race.
-One thing at a time.
-Emotions are ok. Trust my instincts.
-Be true to the things I have discovered in myself.
-Seek safety and know when to ask for help.
-Be safe, wrap a cloak of protection around myself. Better safe than sorry.
-It's ok to be scared and retreat. Nobody is pushing me. Nothing is urgent.
- I am in control of my life. I make all the choices now.
-Think how things look. Be sensitive to my image as a person- be true- be reserved and in control
- Being alone is ok
-Hold a thought
-Thoughts do not require actions
-Not all people are mean
-But it's ok to make them earn my trust
-EAT
-PACE YOURSELF
-DONT BE PERFECT
-BELIEVE IN THE STEPS ON THE JOURNEY TO RECOVERY

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Love to all my beautiful friends today. We are all growing - wonderful works in progress. Life is not easy, sometimes it's scary. But- we are becoming stronger and smarter every day.

Amy

Stress and eating

One of the things, which no matter where we are in recovery- that we will have to deal with is how we each personally respond to stress and how it affects our eating. I personally struggle to eat when I am under stress.

and right now my friends, I am under stress. Factors from my past, combining with current life stress are mixing in my pot to make a bit of a tempestuous brew.

does that mean right now I am eating disordered?

I am aware of it, I am making sure I am conscious and on top of it. I am trying to proactively manage the stress in a way to prevent it from becoming a huge risk factor in my life again.

And I think that is what is key, being able to always remember that we are not like other people. That for us- managing issues in our lives, like stress, is perhaps paramount in a way that it may not be for other people because stress is in fact part of our disorder. While I do pride myself on my ability to persevere and bounce back, there are certainly ways in which I am intensely broken down and (oh god here comes that horrible word) "weak" when it comes to the physical effects of stress on me.

Just a random thought today.

Recovery starts

When you decide it starts-

no more lies
no more excuses
time to choose freedom
time to choose yourself

It's really simple-

nobody else is doing this to you
you don't eat because you chose not to
you purge because you chose to
YOU have to make the choice to stop these behaviors

Somethings in life are hard...

But somethings are basic:

Eat
Sleep
Breathe
Drink water

We beat ourselves up (and down) so much in life. And I think "we" are such driven and ambitious people. And we are holding ourselves back so much by these basic things. Sometimes I see myself and my friends struggle by simply handicapping ourselves by these basic unmet needs.

So today my friends...

Eat
Sleep
Breathe
Drink water

repeat...

as many times as you need to until it sinks in

because really, those dreams and wishes that you have, that you are holding onto so hopefully and tearfully at times... CAN'T come true, if you keep holding yourself back by starving yourself of the essentials of survival on this planet my beautiful friends. We must be strong tigers in the jungles chasing down our dreams FIERCELY and FEARLESSLY, INSTEAD the weakest gazelles limping lifeless and sick on the plains...

For myself

This year- the books get finished.

I owe it to myself :)

Never a better time than now!

One for my professional self (textbook)

AND YES! One for my recovery self and my beautiful friends and the things in my heart I have been longing to share for so long :)

Still a work in progress...

Still have to remember the things I have learned over the years to keep me healthy and strong. I still have to remember that -Amy- is a worthy project and investment. That -Amy- can't have coffee, and needs the things that she needs for important reasons. That -Amy- just isn't like everyone else.

Because we are each unique and what I need is not always what you need.

This commitment, and recommitment to -Amy-, is part of this work in progress.... going on each and every day....

A Decade Ends

This New Years brings a close to the most intense decade of my life. During this time there was great joy as I had become a mother to three beautiful children, but this also saw periods of great unexpected stress as well as the most intense periods of turmoil with my eating disorder and my other health conditions.

Now, at the beginning of 2010, I weigh what I am supposed to weigh. I eat calmly, socially, with few phobias, and without bad urges. The road to this place has not been easy. So, as this last year in particular ends, I am drawn to reflecting on the things I have learned lately:

Life is a precious gift, yours and others. No matter what your view on how we came to be upon this earth, we are here against some great odds and for amazing reasons be they scientific or divine. Respect this gift each and every day.

Most people will do their best, if you help them. But many people are going through life reactively, frustrated and struggling through their own challenges. It is often your own responsibility to help people step up and see how they can give you the best that they can.

No matter what you are going through in life, you can always handle it with grace and dignity.

A woman really can dress her age and her body type and be sexy.

Without hope, there is nothing. Hope comes from within you. Nobody else can really give you that. It is something you must never ever let go of. It is a light within yourself you must believe in and never let the world extinguish. There is ALWAYS hope.

Always do your best. If you always do your best, you never have anything to regret. Your best changes from day to day. So doing your best on the days when you can really rock- makes up for the days when you can't.

It's ok to say no, it's ok to put your needs first, and it's ok to make people earn your trust. It's also ok to say goodbye. In fact, it's more than ok to do these things, it's often necessary.

And finally,

Love DOES come when you least expect it. The best kind of love is being loved for who you are. If someone doesn't love you just the way you are, it isn't worth it.


--Happy New Years-----