And as I watched the deep waters running to the ocean,
it occurred to me how much of our fight, is about something
as simple
as water.
In reality, a great deal of the "fat" that we fight, and the excessive battle with bloating, and rebound weight, is little more than water weight. And the precious balance of liquids in our bodies, be it through anorexic or purging means, is something we dangerously throw off. A difference in size, or weight, or perceived "bulginess" that only we are capable of perceiving, sometimes as little as a pound or two, can create a psychological breakdown.
Water.
I could have died so many times because of water.
Yet women and children in Africa
today, as I write, walk miles, risking their lives
for clean water,
or not so clean water
risking attack by militia, rape, kidnapping,
lions
and food poisoning/disease by drinking the water they bring home.
And yet I would fight for years, to deny by bodies cells
absorption of this resource essential to life
which I have in bounteous resource.
DRINK UP
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
On being women
More and more lately, I've been struck by my experiences and some of the experiences of my close female friends. And what it means to be a woman.
One good friend is recovering from breast cancer. She referred to herself as "deformed" and shared with me the pain and discomfort caused by the radiation. Breasts- the thing that allow us to feed our babies yet cause so many women such pain and even, cause mortality, later in life. She is a beautiful strong woman, and in my non-religious way, she is in my athiest prayers every day.
Another friend, has been a single mother for many years now, and has a daughter who was physically abused by her father and then was sexually abused by school mates. This little girl and her mother have worked so much, both of them to simply survive and become stronger under these circumstances. My friend has made her "motherhood" her primary goal in life.
And the last friend that I will mention, recently suffered a miscarriage and the death of her father in the same month. And I know she is sad and confused by both, perhaps in shock by both.
Our bodies are in ways our strength, our ability to give life in a way that bonds us to our children and to love our children in a way that is unique. I do not wish to discount the bond that fathers can have. Yet there is still something different about women and mothers. And our very bodies are that which women with eating disorders wish to distance themselves most from. My own body, my own marks of motherhood in fact have been the very things which have caused me the greatest pain and suffering for a very long time.
Yet, I love my children with a love that can have no name, no limit, no end. I love being a mother in a way that fulfills me. It was my lifes goal to be a mother, and to indeed have three children.
Even if one did not give birth or choose to have children, the fact that our bodies are the life force that is meant to be soft and viable is often very contradictory to the vision in women's minds who have eating disorders. We fight the curves, the natural suppleness, the normal layer of fat that is meant to protect a woman's body. All of the things that make us special- and different from men. But not only the literal aspects of our femininity but also our less tangible aspects of our feminity defy us sometimes. We struggle with our emotions. We struggle with expressing need, vulnerability. We attempt to portray perfection through strength, through unbroken glass demeanors and perfect smiles. Through barbie doll expressions. And yet, there is an aspect of being a woman, that will eventually betray us as well, because like it or not, we do feel in a way that is different than being a man, we do feel our emotions in a way that those of us with eating disorders sometimes can not bear to admit. Any feelings that we can not control, sadness, fear, anger, we attempt to contain and hide from ourselves and the world. We attempt to neuter ourselves daily in this way as well.
Soft- yet strong--- there are ways to be both-- and for all my sisters out there.... we will continue to grow and love ourselves and (our children -and future children).
One good friend is recovering from breast cancer. She referred to herself as "deformed" and shared with me the pain and discomfort caused by the radiation. Breasts- the thing that allow us to feed our babies yet cause so many women such pain and even, cause mortality, later in life. She is a beautiful strong woman, and in my non-religious way, she is in my athiest prayers every day.
Another friend, has been a single mother for many years now, and has a daughter who was physically abused by her father and then was sexually abused by school mates. This little girl and her mother have worked so much, both of them to simply survive and become stronger under these circumstances. My friend has made her "motherhood" her primary goal in life.
And the last friend that I will mention, recently suffered a miscarriage and the death of her father in the same month. And I know she is sad and confused by both, perhaps in shock by both.
Our bodies are in ways our strength, our ability to give life in a way that bonds us to our children and to love our children in a way that is unique. I do not wish to discount the bond that fathers can have. Yet there is still something different about women and mothers. And our very bodies are that which women with eating disorders wish to distance themselves most from. My own body, my own marks of motherhood in fact have been the very things which have caused me the greatest pain and suffering for a very long time.
Yet, I love my children with a love that can have no name, no limit, no end. I love being a mother in a way that fulfills me. It was my lifes goal to be a mother, and to indeed have three children.
Even if one did not give birth or choose to have children, the fact that our bodies are the life force that is meant to be soft and viable is often very contradictory to the vision in women's minds who have eating disorders. We fight the curves, the natural suppleness, the normal layer of fat that is meant to protect a woman's body. All of the things that make us special- and different from men. But not only the literal aspects of our femininity but also our less tangible aspects of our feminity defy us sometimes. We struggle with our emotions. We struggle with expressing need, vulnerability. We attempt to portray perfection through strength, through unbroken glass demeanors and perfect smiles. Through barbie doll expressions. And yet, there is an aspect of being a woman, that will eventually betray us as well, because like it or not, we do feel in a way that is different than being a man, we do feel our emotions in a way that those of us with eating disorders sometimes can not bear to admit. Any feelings that we can not control, sadness, fear, anger, we attempt to contain and hide from ourselves and the world. We attempt to neuter ourselves daily in this way as well.
Soft- yet strong--- there are ways to be both-- and for all my sisters out there.... we will continue to grow and love ourselves and (our children -and future children).
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friendship
Over the years, friends have come and gone, and some have been able to maintain their friendship with me while knowing about my ED and other personal "crises".
I have been grateful the last few weeks for several of my friends.
What is special about these friends- what is it we should be looking for, not just for our ED recovery but also for life???
The friends that will tell you the truth, maybe gently at times when they need to, but who will be honest.
The friends who will accept you as you are. Who are not afraid of you or turned away.
The friends who give their time and their heart to you when you need them most, without expecting anything in return.
The friends who can listen, attempt to understand, especially the complexities of our disorder, who do not always try to problem solve or direct you, but sometimes will simply listen.
The friends that understand that for in order for us to recover, we need to be in charge of our own lives, make our own way, and problem solve on our own.
Unfortunately, we will not always find those people, and it will take "burning through" some people to find the people you can trust. But- if you don't take chances, then you won't find them.
Let us not forget though--What do we need to do in order to return their gifts and be good friends?
We need to be able to do the same things. We need to be able to live fully in the world so that we can engage others in their times of need as well. To live confidently so that we can see ourselves as strong friends with gifts to offer in friendship, and to end our inward and obsessive focus on the minutia of our weight and our eating.
thank you my friends
I have been grateful the last few weeks for several of my friends.
What is special about these friends- what is it we should be looking for, not just for our ED recovery but also for life???
The friends that will tell you the truth, maybe gently at times when they need to, but who will be honest.
The friends who will accept you as you are. Who are not afraid of you or turned away.
The friends who give their time and their heart to you when you need them most, without expecting anything in return.
The friends who can listen, attempt to understand, especially the complexities of our disorder, who do not always try to problem solve or direct you, but sometimes will simply listen.
The friends that understand that for in order for us to recover, we need to be in charge of our own lives, make our own way, and problem solve on our own.
Unfortunately, we will not always find those people, and it will take "burning through" some people to find the people you can trust. But- if you don't take chances, then you won't find them.
Let us not forget though--What do we need to do in order to return their gifts and be good friends?
We need to be able to do the same things. We need to be able to live fully in the world so that we can engage others in their times of need as well. To live confidently so that we can see ourselves as strong friends with gifts to offer in friendship, and to end our inward and obsessive focus on the minutia of our weight and our eating.
thank you my friends
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Apple Season!
So folks, it's apple season!
Time for apple cider with mulling spices, apple muffins, homemade applesauce, baked apples... and
APPLE PIE!!!!
My oldest son has decided he has a definite sweet tooth for mom's apple pie and I made my fourth one of the season last night and invited him to join me in the process.
As we made the pie, he watched me make the crust and I explained to him how I had learned from my grandmother and my mother and it had taken me a very long time to learn how to really form the pie crust with my hands. He remembered me saying in the past that you have to get it right the first time and only roll it once and asked me why, so I explained the chemical properties of the gluten process. He requested extra cinnamon, so I of course obliged! I told him how my mother wouldn't use nutmeg, so I always put in a pinch of nutmeg as my little passive aggressive thing and we laughed (and he said so I guess that means I probably won't use nutmeg!)
Then he said he thought it was sad that there were families that did not bake together and how this was the most special thing that we did together as a family. And I thought wow- how little does he know how HARD this used to be for me. And how far I have come.
For all of you who aren't ready for pie crust yet- I wanted to share my recipe for baked apple slices! it's a safe and yummy treat (and great with ice cream or fat free whipped cream!)
6 sliced baking apples (we prefer the tart red/gold mixed ones like JonaGold)- leave the skin on
1 tsp butter or margarine
3 TB water
2-3 TB brown sugar
cinnamon to taste (about 1 tsp to start)
cook in a covered pan on low heat for about 10-15 minutes!
Time for apple cider with mulling spices, apple muffins, homemade applesauce, baked apples... and
APPLE PIE!!!!
My oldest son has decided he has a definite sweet tooth for mom's apple pie and I made my fourth one of the season last night and invited him to join me in the process.
As we made the pie, he watched me make the crust and I explained to him how I had learned from my grandmother and my mother and it had taken me a very long time to learn how to really form the pie crust with my hands. He remembered me saying in the past that you have to get it right the first time and only roll it once and asked me why, so I explained the chemical properties of the gluten process. He requested extra cinnamon, so I of course obliged! I told him how my mother wouldn't use nutmeg, so I always put in a pinch of nutmeg as my little passive aggressive thing and we laughed (and he said so I guess that means I probably won't use nutmeg!)
Then he said he thought it was sad that there were families that did not bake together and how this was the most special thing that we did together as a family. And I thought wow- how little does he know how HARD this used to be for me. And how far I have come.
For all of you who aren't ready for pie crust yet- I wanted to share my recipe for baked apple slices! it's a safe and yummy treat (and great with ice cream or fat free whipped cream!)
6 sliced baking apples (we prefer the tart red/gold mixed ones like JonaGold)- leave the skin on
1 tsp butter or margarine
3 TB water
2-3 TB brown sugar
cinnamon to taste (about 1 tsp to start)
cook in a covered pan on low heat for about 10-15 minutes!
Friday, October 17, 2008
My other ED
Today I was reminded of the other ED (ironic, eh?) that shapes my life...
Ehler Danlos Hypermobility Syndrome.
Today required a lot of pain medication, and a lot of patience with myself to get through. But it was such a powerful reminder to me of why my body needs good care: good food, rest, appropriate exercise and needs a careful caretaker and guardian. It is such a simple condition to treat (for me at least), but only if the one in charge (ME!) is really paying attention and doing what she needs to do.
By being more responsive and a better listener of my body's cues, I am also in a better position to not go from bad to worse right now. A common problem of individuals with chronic pain is not knowing when to stop or modify an excacerbating activity- or when to slow down. But for people with ED's we are especially disconnected from our bodies- often not recognizing, or learning to ignore feelings, hunger and pain. Because I have become a more astute listener of my body, I will not push my body this weekend, I will know that I have to rest, take a break from my usual workout routine, avoid lifting anything heavy and respond with ice, heat, wraps and medication. And by monday.... WE (as in me and my body) will be all better.
----------------
It is ironic though, that I do have a condition which requires me to essentially maintain and monitor my weight. However- by building muscle I have strengthened my joints allowing me to find an ideal range that my body can seem to support without pain. I really am hopeful that I have found my "set point" as the nutritionist said. And I am hoping to move into using the book Intuitive Eating as my guide within the next 3 months or so.
Ehler Danlos Hypermobility Syndrome.
Today required a lot of pain medication, and a lot of patience with myself to get through. But it was such a powerful reminder to me of why my body needs good care: good food, rest, appropriate exercise and needs a careful caretaker and guardian. It is such a simple condition to treat (for me at least), but only if the one in charge (ME!) is really paying attention and doing what she needs to do.
By being more responsive and a better listener of my body's cues, I am also in a better position to not go from bad to worse right now. A common problem of individuals with chronic pain is not knowing when to stop or modify an excacerbating activity- or when to slow down. But for people with ED's we are especially disconnected from our bodies- often not recognizing, or learning to ignore feelings, hunger and pain. Because I have become a more astute listener of my body, I will not push my body this weekend, I will know that I have to rest, take a break from my usual workout routine, avoid lifting anything heavy and respond with ice, heat, wraps and medication. And by monday.... WE (as in me and my body) will be all better.
----------------
It is ironic though, that I do have a condition which requires me to essentially maintain and monitor my weight. However- by building muscle I have strengthened my joints allowing me to find an ideal range that my body can seem to support without pain. I really am hopeful that I have found my "set point" as the nutritionist said. And I am hoping to move into using the book Intuitive Eating as my guide within the next 3 months or so.
Friday, October 10, 2008
When life changes
Sometimes life changes, and it isn’t always easy.
For some of us, those life changes can cause the Ed voices to get louder and tell us
To make ourselves perfect to protect ourselves from these stressful changes
And to protect ourselves from our fears.
Our eating disorder is our talisman in times of change.
But for me, it is no more.
For ME I will protect and nourish my body as my life changes.
I will be a strong mother. I will not be so weak I can not respond to my children’s needs.
I will not be so tired I can not make sound judgments. I will not let the voices debase me. I will talk back to the voices and tell them they have no more place today than they did last week or the week before.
I will enter the new world as a single woman, as someone I believe in, no matter what my body currently looks like. I will allow this woman to continue to grow healthier and stronger in the image of who she is supposed to be.
And ultimately,
there is always peanut butter.
Thank god for peanut butter.
For some of us, those life changes can cause the Ed voices to get louder and tell us
To make ourselves perfect to protect ourselves from these stressful changes
And to protect ourselves from our fears.
Our eating disorder is our talisman in times of change.
But for me, it is no more.
For ME I will protect and nourish my body as my life changes.
I will be a strong mother. I will not be so weak I can not respond to my children’s needs.
I will not be so tired I can not make sound judgments. I will not let the voices debase me. I will talk back to the voices and tell them they have no more place today than they did last week or the week before.
I will enter the new world as a single woman, as someone I believe in, no matter what my body currently looks like. I will allow this woman to continue to grow healthier and stronger in the image of who she is supposed to be.
And ultimately,
there is always peanut butter.
Thank god for peanut butter.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A little ditty
To the Tune of Handlebars by the Flobots
I can eat butter on my toast
and mayonnaise and salad dressing when I want to
when i want to
I can eat a whole bagel with cream cheese
And I’ll have some cream in my coffee please
And potatoes, cheese, and peanut butter
Bread and pasta, rice, meat and rolls
I can eat pizza, a cheeseburger
And a french fry, maybe even two or three
I can put on my clothes in the morning now
And look at my butt in the mirror too
I can touch my legs without cringing
I can smile when I see my reflection
I can tell you I feel fine and really mean it
And I can just be mad and nothing else if I want to
If I want to
Because I can look at my butt in the mirror now
In the mirror now
In the mirror now….
I can eat butter on my toast
and mayonnaise and salad dressing when I want to
when i want to
I can eat a whole bagel with cream cheese
And I’ll have some cream in my coffee please
And potatoes, cheese, and peanut butter
Bread and pasta, rice, meat and rolls
I can eat pizza, a cheeseburger
And a french fry, maybe even two or three
I can put on my clothes in the morning now
And look at my butt in the mirror too
I can touch my legs without cringing
I can smile when I see my reflection
I can tell you I feel fine and really mean it
And I can just be mad and nothing else if I want to
If I want to
Because I can look at my butt in the mirror now
In the mirror now
In the mirror now….
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Our Catch 22
One of the issues in the recovery process is accepting we have a real problem. While many of us would describe it as our "little problem", or an "issue", we are unwilling to come to terms with the degree to which we are aberrant or, in fact, mentally ill. This horrifying concept is so stigmatizing to anyone, but to us it is especially so.
Why?
Because our very disorder/illness is one of perfectionism and image maintenance and acceptance/approval by others. To accept that one indeed has a stigmatizing condition is the worse possible scenario. But one must accept that in order to recover. One must be able to go beyond " I have eating issues" to understand, "I am mentally ill- at least when it comes to food and my perceptions of my body". In order to begin to grapple with those faulty perceptions, the voices that you hear in your head and to seek the full battery of psychological, nutritional, psychiatric, and medical intervention as necessary.
Definitions of "Mental Illness" :
Consider this:
We can not eat- we are unable to do something of an everyday nature, something of significant important to human survival
We have significant alterations in our ability to accurately perceive how we appear to others- a significant psychological disturbance in reality
These have serious consequences on our social lives, intimate relationships, careers, ability to learn and complete our education, and our families
We suffer serious, SERIOUS, periods of anxiety, panic, and depression sometimes with serious consequences. Eating Disorders have one of the highest suicide rates of all of the mental illnesses.
It's not a "little problem" my friends.
Friday, October 3, 2008
three GOOD months
I recently reread all my posts. Several thoughts struck me...
First, the title of my first post- no sign of real freedom yet. How did I know I was on the verge of relapse. I must have been nervous, I know that I was having a lot of thoughts about my body again and feeling stressed about how I was eating "so much" (a.k.a. normally) again. More importantly, why was I incapable of stopping it? what happened in that week? Did I not want to? What pushed me. As usual, I am drawing a blank on that fateful time, that time that sees my emotions pushed from "I got this" to "I don't got this anymore".
Second, I feel so good. I feel so strong. I don't think I have felt this good since I was pregnant with my second child. Because that's the last time I can remember consistently eating this well. Am I really recovered now? I am clearly in recovery-- but am I RECOVERED--How do I know I am relapse safe? I want to know that. I want guarantees. I'm tired of a life without guarantees.
third, and I think the second leads to this, it is so important to remember that it's not just about food and weight- it's about feelings. It's about protecting oneself, valuing oneself, respecting oneself and being able to say what you need to say and trust your emotions and beliefs. Feelings must be surfaced, must be honest, must be allowed to breathe. If I can remain true to myself and this core idea of excellence in the way of living that I keep coming back to, then I think that is the key to recovery. Even if life shifts around you, if you can continue to protect and respect what you need to do to remain stable, remember that YOU are caught up in it too, somehow then we won't shift to food as a way to cope. Always remember YOU. Don't bury you, don't
ignore you, don't belittle you.
fourth- I am so amazed by how much I changed in so little time, by just trying the meal plan, eating the "new foods" again, and giving myself the acceptance and permission to be me- how I believe I am intended to be. There are so many things I can eat again. To list them is almost incredible, almost absurd to think how little I ate. Meal times are no longer like an episode of the "Fear Factor" for me. It was a brief but strong battle and I did it. Each food, was a mini internal saga that I conquered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought of a girl today
racing through the reeds along the lake's edge
pants rolled up above her knobby knees
shouting to her brother in the canoe
I want to come too
take me with you
I thought of a girl today
diving into the Michigan waters
in april before the winter chill
had left the lake
and the heat that must
have run through her
tender veins
I thought of a girl today
stacking wood and clearing brush
with her grandfather
in the back woods learning the names
both latin
and vernacular
of wild treasures he had collected there
protected from
the greedy developers
dutchman's breetches
blue lobelia
wood anemone
solomon's seal
purple vetch
a priceless cache in the quiet woods
I thought of a girl today
hauling lumber with her brother
to build the fort
that would withstand wind
and snow
and time
and how she would jump off the rope
flying into nowhere
without a care to the 15 foot free fall
below
I thought of a girl today
standing with her fists
against the pack of bullies
day after day
for a year
and pumping into them fists
feet and teeth
to walk home triumphantly
tired and bruised
but sure that she knew what she could take
I thought of a woman today
swollen belly and aching back
the joy of life kicking under her ribs
the questions of first time motherhood
haunting her dreams
as her body changed over the months
I though of a woman today
baby to her breast
both nodding off in the afternoon sun
the pain of the little mouth
and the cramping of the newly
excised womb
new life,
new day
new mom
I thought of a woman today
holding her crying son to her chest
with another growing in her belly
at the emergency room
anxiously waiting for stitches
for his baby chin
but the weight of both sons
was never too much
never too heavy
This body too
is never too much
never too heavy
It is just what it needs to be
----------
thank you body, I will do a better job taking care of you from now on, I promise.
First, the title of my first post- no sign of real freedom yet. How did I know I was on the verge of relapse. I must have been nervous, I know that I was having a lot of thoughts about my body again and feeling stressed about how I was eating "so much" (a.k.a. normally) again. More importantly, why was I incapable of stopping it? what happened in that week? Did I not want to? What pushed me. As usual, I am drawing a blank on that fateful time, that time that sees my emotions pushed from "I got this" to "I don't got this anymore".
Second, I feel so good. I feel so strong. I don't think I have felt this good since I was pregnant with my second child. Because that's the last time I can remember consistently eating this well. Am I really recovered now? I am clearly in recovery-- but am I RECOVERED--How do I know I am relapse safe? I want to know that. I want guarantees. I'm tired of a life without guarantees.
third, and I think the second leads to this, it is so important to remember that it's not just about food and weight- it's about feelings. It's about protecting oneself, valuing oneself, respecting oneself and being able to say what you need to say and trust your emotions and beliefs. Feelings must be surfaced, must be honest, must be allowed to breathe. If I can remain true to myself and this core idea of excellence in the way of living that I keep coming back to, then I think that is the key to recovery. Even if life shifts around you, if you can continue to protect and respect what you need to do to remain stable, remember that YOU are caught up in it too, somehow then we won't shift to food as a way to cope. Always remember YOU. Don't bury you, don't
ignore you, don't belittle you.
fourth- I am so amazed by how much I changed in so little time, by just trying the meal plan, eating the "new foods" again, and giving myself the acceptance and permission to be me- how I believe I am intended to be. There are so many things I can eat again. To list them is almost incredible, almost absurd to think how little I ate. Meal times are no longer like an episode of the "Fear Factor" for me. It was a brief but strong battle and I did it. Each food, was a mini internal saga that I conquered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought of a girl today
racing through the reeds along the lake's edge
pants rolled up above her knobby knees
shouting to her brother in the canoe
I want to come too
take me with you
I thought of a girl today
diving into the Michigan waters
in april before the winter chill
had left the lake
and the heat that must
have run through her
tender veins
I thought of a girl today
stacking wood and clearing brush
with her grandfather
in the back woods learning the names
both latin
and vernacular
of wild treasures he had collected there
protected from
the greedy developers
dutchman's breetches
blue lobelia
wood anemone
solomon's seal
purple vetch
a priceless cache in the quiet woods
I thought of a girl today
hauling lumber with her brother
to build the fort
that would withstand wind
and snow
and time
and how she would jump off the rope
flying into nowhere
without a care to the 15 foot free fall
below
I thought of a girl today
standing with her fists
against the pack of bullies
day after day
for a year
and pumping into them fists
feet and teeth
to walk home triumphantly
tired and bruised
but sure that she knew what she could take
I thought of a woman today
swollen belly and aching back
the joy of life kicking under her ribs
the questions of first time motherhood
haunting her dreams
as her body changed over the months
I though of a woman today
baby to her breast
both nodding off in the afternoon sun
the pain of the little mouth
and the cramping of the newly
excised womb
new life,
new day
new mom
I thought of a woman today
holding her crying son to her chest
with another growing in her belly
at the emergency room
anxiously waiting for stitches
for his baby chin
but the weight of both sons
was never too much
never too heavy
This body too
is never too much
never too heavy
It is just what it needs to be
----------
thank you body, I will do a better job taking care of you from now on, I promise.
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