three GOOD months

I recently reread all my posts. Several thoughts struck me...

First, the title of my first post- no sign of real freedom yet. How did I know I was on the verge of relapse. I must have been nervous, I know that I was having a lot of thoughts about my body again and feeling stressed about how I was eating "so much" (a.k.a. normally) again. More importantly, why was I incapable of stopping it? what happened in that week? Did I not want to? What pushed me. As usual, I am drawing a blank on that fateful time, that time that sees my emotions pushed from "I got this" to "I don't got this anymore".

Second, I feel so good. I feel so strong. I don't think I have felt this good since I was pregnant with my second child. Because that's the last time I can remember consistently eating this well. Am I really recovered now? I am clearly in recovery-- but am I RECOVERED--How do I know I am relapse safe? I want to know that. I want guarantees. I'm tired of a life without guarantees.

third, and I think the second leads to this, it is so important to remember that it's not just about food and weight- it's about feelings. It's about protecting oneself, valuing oneself, respecting oneself and being able to say what you need to say and trust your emotions and beliefs. Feelings must be surfaced, must be honest, must be allowed to breathe. If I can remain true to myself and this core idea of excellence in the way of living that I keep coming back to, then I think that is the key to recovery. Even if life shifts around you, if you can continue to protect and respect what you need to do to remain stable, remember that YOU are caught up in it too, somehow then we won't shift to food as a way to cope. Always remember YOU. Don't bury you, don't
ignore you, don't belittle you.

fourth- I am so amazed by how much I changed in so little time, by just trying the meal plan, eating the "new foods" again, and giving myself the acceptance and permission to be me- how I believe I am intended to be. There are so many things I can eat again. To list them is almost incredible, almost absurd to think how little I ate. Meal times are no longer like an episode of the "Fear Factor" for me. It was a brief but strong battle and I did it. Each food, was a mini internal saga that I conquered.
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I thought of a girl today
racing through the reeds along the lake's edge
pants rolled up above her knobby knees
shouting to her brother in the canoe
I want to come too
take me with you

I thought of a girl today
diving into the Michigan waters
in april before the winter chill
had left the lake
and the heat that must
have run through her
tender veins

I thought of a girl today
stacking wood and clearing brush
with her grandfather
in the back woods learning the names
both latin
and vernacular
of wild treasures he had collected there
protected from
the greedy developers
dutchman's breetches
blue lobelia
wood anemone
solomon's seal
purple vetch
a priceless cache in the quiet woods

I thought of a girl today
hauling lumber with her brother
to build the fort
that would withstand wind
and snow
and time
and how she would jump off the rope
flying into nowhere
without a care to the 15 foot free fall
below

I thought of a girl today
standing with her fists
against the pack of bullies
day after day
for a year
and pumping into them fists
feet and teeth
to walk home triumphantly
tired and bruised
but sure that she knew what she could take

I thought of a woman today
swollen belly and aching back
the joy of life kicking under her ribs
the questions of first time motherhood
haunting her dreams
as her body changed over the months

I though of a woman today
baby to her breast
both nodding off in the afternoon sun
the pain of the little mouth
and the cramping of the newly
excised womb
new life,
new day
new mom

I thought of a woman today
holding her crying son to her chest
with another growing in her belly
at the emergency room
anxiously waiting for stitches
for his baby chin
but the weight of both sons
was never too much
never too heavy

This body too
is never too much
never too heavy
It is just what it needs to be
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thank you body, I will do a better job taking care of you from now on, I promise.