On being women

More and more lately, I've been struck by my experiences and some of the experiences of my close female friends. And what it means to be a woman.

One good friend is recovering from breast cancer. She referred to herself as "deformed" and shared with me the pain and discomfort caused by the radiation. Breasts- the thing that allow us to feed our babies yet cause so many women such pain and even, cause mortality, later in life. She is a beautiful strong woman, and in my non-religious way, she is in my athiest prayers every day.

Another friend, has been a single mother for many years now, and has a daughter who was physically abused by her father and then was sexually abused by school mates. This little girl and her mother have worked so much, both of them to simply survive and become stronger under these circumstances. My friend has made her "motherhood" her primary goal in life.

And the last friend that I will mention, recently suffered a miscarriage and the death of her father in the same month. And I know she is sad and confused by both, perhaps in shock by both.

Our bodies are in ways our strength, our ability to give life in a way that bonds us to our children and to love our children in a way that is unique. I do not wish to discount the bond that fathers can have. Yet there is still something different about women and mothers. And our very bodies are that which women with eating disorders wish to distance themselves most from. My own body, my own marks of motherhood in fact have been the very things which have caused me the greatest pain and suffering for a very long time.

Yet, I love my children with a love that can have no name, no limit, no end. I love being a mother in a way that fulfills me. It was my lifes goal to be a mother, and to indeed have three children.

Even if one did not give birth or choose to have children, the fact that our bodies are the life force that is meant to be soft and viable is often very contradictory to the vision in women's minds who have eating disorders. We fight the curves, the natural suppleness, the normal layer of fat that is meant to protect a woman's body. All of the things that make us special- and different from men. But not only the literal aspects of our femininity but also our less tangible aspects of our feminity defy us sometimes. We struggle with our emotions. We struggle with expressing need, vulnerability. We attempt to portray perfection through strength, through unbroken glass demeanors and perfect smiles. Through barbie doll expressions. And yet, there is an aspect of being a woman, that will eventually betray us as well, because like it or not, we do feel in a way that is different than being a man, we do feel our emotions in a way that those of us with eating disorders sometimes can not bear to admit. Any feelings that we can not control, sadness, fear, anger, we attempt to contain and hide from ourselves and the world. We attempt to neuter ourselves daily in this way as well.

Soft- yet strong--- there are ways to be both-- and for all my sisters out there.... we will continue to grow and love ourselves and (our children -and future children).