I HAVE fat- but I am NOT fat

So- I feel like my body image- is becoming more real and more interesting. I had an odd thought this weekend (on our WONDERFUL family trip to Maine).

It just popped in my head.

"I am fat but I am not fat. "

How strange it was. How strange it was that I was ok with it. Even liked it. How strange it was that the word fat could rest in my mind so easily without the burning convictions of my worthlessness and failures it usually conveyed.

I wanted to post this idea today, but then it occured to me this morning that the REAL idea was--

I HAVE fat but I am not "Fat".

Human bodies HAVE fat. We are supposed to. There is supposed to be this nice cushiony layer of fat covering my body. It doesn't have to be disgusting. It is soft. It is supple. It does grow and recede, and shift in its own ways over time. And yes, sigh, it is not smooth in all areas. It is part of being human. Especially for women, it is part of our Womanity- as we are the product of millions of years of evolution (or a brilliant creator, whatever your belief system) that has ensured a delicate balance that will ensure that we can reproduce and survive multiple childbirths with strength, energy and good health.

There are two "ultra-bodies" that I think we (eating disordered) strive for and believe are the ideals- and I think the world reinforces- the waif and the bodybuilder. They are polar opposites in many ways- EXCEPT THEY HAVE NO FAT.

I think what we have to make peace with is that cushioning, soft, layer of energy giving, warming, protective "adipose" tissue unfortunately more colloquially known as fat.

I am building muscles underneathe- and find myself so frustrated that that fat is not disappearing and "melting away" as the myth goes. The trap which snagged me before. But- you know what, I think I will just allow it to stay too, make no plans or pressures or expectations for it. The healthy human body is a nice balanced composition of both. Trying too hard to eliminate either or both (muscle/fat) only creates a disequilibirum that you HAVE TO FIGHT against like swimming upstream for the rest of your life. Who wants that kind of life? right now I have more energy than I have in years, and fewer health problems. I am physically stronger, and my endurance is much better. This is the life I want.

I ran along the beach playing with my daughter, I didn't cover up, heck to be honest, maybe I should have more. I just really didn't care because I was having fun. I even tried the boogie board out in the big waves. I didn't constantly reflexively try to find my reflection in something- like I would have in the past, such as a parked car, store window, or even a fellow beachgoers reflective sunglasses! I just had fun, in the strong, energetic, and spirited body that I was born with.

__________________

Update on the meal plan

I've been on a meal plan for a month. I can't say I really follow it perfectly, but that's ok, because I don't think in real life later I would be that regimented or want to be anyways. I'm having a hard time eating the amount of protein I'm supposed to and am making up for it with carbs apparently. But at least I am in the calorie range she wants. But she said I will feel more satisfied when I start eating more protein instead.

It is amazing to me that I have INCREASED my caloric intake by 30-40% and doubled my fat intake and not gained a single pound. And there are so many foods and condiments I have put back into my diet, that I feel liberated like I can really cook and enjoy so many more things again. Each one was stressful. But now that I see that I have been eating these things and NOT gained any weight, I feel like it is actually possible.

I'm still struggling to decide if I should try and lose any weight right now, my joints seem to be asking me to, (not to mention my fall jeans- ugh) but I am never sure if its really my joints that are talking, or Ed.

For my wonderful daughter

I want a world where women are valued for their strength, kindness, and capacity to give.

I want a world where a woman's wit and intellect means more than her bra size.

I want a world where fashion models actually come close to the average size of the American woman.

I want a world where cheerleaders are banned. Yes, I said it. It's my blog. I can say whatever I want.

I want a world where the fact that my daughter can run faster than any boy in her class is IMPRESSIVE and it won't matter if she is as big as most of them too! (and can probably beat up most of them too if she wanted to!)

I want a world she can grow up in and believe in herself, not second guess herself, set her own goals, and strive for her own definition of excellence.

We need to help make that world for her. I am going to help make that world for her. And it starts in the very home she lives in.