So- I feel like my body image- is becoming more real and more interesting. I had an odd thought this weekend (on our WONDERFUL family trip to Maine).
It just popped in my head.
"I am fat but I am not fat. "
How strange it was. How strange it was that I was ok with it. Even liked it. How strange it was that the word fat could rest in my mind so easily without the burning convictions of my worthlessness and failures it usually conveyed.
I wanted to post this idea today, but then it occured to me this morning that the REAL idea was--
I HAVE fat but I am not "Fat".
Human bodies HAVE fat. We are supposed to. There is supposed to be this nice cushiony layer of fat covering my body. It doesn't have to be disgusting. It is soft. It is supple. It does grow and recede, and shift in its own ways over time. And yes, sigh, it is not smooth in all areas. It is part of being human. Especially for women, it is part of our Womanity- as we are the product of millions of years of evolution (or a brilliant creator, whatever your belief system) that has ensured a delicate balance that will ensure that we can reproduce and survive multiple childbirths with strength, energy and good health.
There are two "ultra-bodies" that I think we (eating disordered) strive for and believe are the ideals- and I think the world reinforces- the waif and the bodybuilder. They are polar opposites in many ways- EXCEPT THEY HAVE NO FAT.
I think what we have to make peace with is that cushioning, soft, layer of energy giving, warming, protective "adipose" tissue unfortunately more colloquially known as fat.
I am building muscles underneathe- and find myself so frustrated that that fat is not disappearing and "melting away" as the myth goes. The trap which snagged me before. But- you know what, I think I will just allow it to stay too, make no plans or pressures or expectations for it. The healthy human body is a nice balanced composition of both. Trying too hard to eliminate either or both (muscle/fat) only creates a disequilibirum that you HAVE TO FIGHT against like swimming upstream for the rest of your life. Who wants that kind of life? right now I have more energy than I have in years, and fewer health problems. I am physically stronger, and my endurance is much better. This is the life I want.
I ran along the beach playing with my daughter, I didn't cover up, heck to be honest, maybe I should have more. I just really didn't care because I was having fun. I even tried the boogie board out in the big waves. I didn't constantly reflexively try to find my reflection in something- like I would have in the past, such as a parked car, store window, or even a fellow beachgoers reflective sunglasses! I just had fun, in the strong, energetic, and spirited body that I was born with.
__________________
It just popped in my head.
"I am fat but I am not fat. "
How strange it was. How strange it was that I was ok with it. Even liked it. How strange it was that the word fat could rest in my mind so easily without the burning convictions of my worthlessness and failures it usually conveyed.
I wanted to post this idea today, but then it occured to me this morning that the REAL idea was--
I HAVE fat but I am not "Fat".
Human bodies HAVE fat. We are supposed to. There is supposed to be this nice cushiony layer of fat covering my body. It doesn't have to be disgusting. It is soft. It is supple. It does grow and recede, and shift in its own ways over time. And yes, sigh, it is not smooth in all areas. It is part of being human. Especially for women, it is part of our Womanity- as we are the product of millions of years of evolution (or a brilliant creator, whatever your belief system) that has ensured a delicate balance that will ensure that we can reproduce and survive multiple childbirths with strength, energy and good health.
There are two "ultra-bodies" that I think we (eating disordered) strive for and believe are the ideals- and I think the world reinforces- the waif and the bodybuilder. They are polar opposites in many ways- EXCEPT THEY HAVE NO FAT.
I think what we have to make peace with is that cushioning, soft, layer of energy giving, warming, protective "adipose" tissue unfortunately more colloquially known as fat.
I am building muscles underneathe- and find myself so frustrated that that fat is not disappearing and "melting away" as the myth goes. The trap which snagged me before. But- you know what, I think I will just allow it to stay too, make no plans or pressures or expectations for it. The healthy human body is a nice balanced composition of both. Trying too hard to eliminate either or both (muscle/fat) only creates a disequilibirum that you HAVE TO FIGHT against like swimming upstream for the rest of your life. Who wants that kind of life? right now I have more energy than I have in years, and fewer health problems. I am physically stronger, and my endurance is much better. This is the life I want.
I ran along the beach playing with my daughter, I didn't cover up, heck to be honest, maybe I should have more. I just really didn't care because I was having fun. I even tried the boogie board out in the big waves. I didn't constantly reflexively try to find my reflection in something- like I would have in the past, such as a parked car, store window, or even a fellow beachgoers reflective sunglasses! I just had fun, in the strong, energetic, and spirited body that I was born with.
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