But first... you have to want it......

Recovery is a long and arduous journey and we will doubleback and take many detours and winding paths.

And we will stumble and we will fall.

But first, and always first....

You do have to want it enough.

Unlike other things in life, it is something where wanting it enough does count.

It is our dark and dirty little secret, that we do not want to let it go.

That we still believe in it, take shelter and comfort in it.

That it is in our friend in darkness.

It does not matter how wrong we are, how confused we are, how much evidence to the contrary we are presented with- remember- it is a mental illness.

But that is the true first step.

You have to want it.

You have to want to unfold your fist and let go of the thing you have been holding onto so tightly- like a superstition....because that is what it really is. A superstition, only this one isn't silly, like a rabbits foot, or a lucky penny. It's deadly.

The Power of Thin

I have almost posted this several times, but it is a difficult concept to put into words and to share. I feel like it is time for me to explore this deeper. I already know that what I write tonight is still only going to capture a percentage of the mumbo-jumbo floating around in my head...

What does it mean to us? To be thin? I often ask my ED friends that question, what does THIN mean to you. And I think it's time I attempt to answer that question. My own answers are not pretty, they do not say the kindest things about my nature. But emotional honesty is the name of the game in recovery...So... here goes...

For me Thin at times has represented a form of power. But it is a twisted and perverted form of power.

First, being thin means you will be seen as frail and delicate by those that might (or you wish would) have natural urges to protect you. That is power gained through being the weak. The image I often have is of the ballerina, so strong in form, angular and powerful on the stage, but in person, delicate and "special" to those around her. At times I think it is a reflection of how tiny and frail we actually feel on the inside. How we wish the world would at times protect us more. Many of us do not feel that, do not benefit from that from those around us. It is a calling out to the world, see, I need help, I need support, I need to be swaddled like a small child or held up against the wind. While we are type A achiever and perfectionistic people, we often are intensely frail and insecure inside, simultaneously pushing away and pulling at those who might help us.

But there is also a form of power gained (particularly among women- and between women) as conquering the fight against fat shows that you have greater strength than other women. I like to think of this as the "long jacket, short skirt" woman in the Cake song.... Allowing fat on your body is a sign of personal weakness among women. It is a signal to other women that you are in some way superior to them. The secret desire to be called the "skinny bitch". There are times in your life, where this motivation is stronger or weaker. Among the anorexics who are even recovering, it is eerie how quickly the conversation can become competitive as to WHO lost the most weight or WHO can eat the least. this is an overly simplistic explanation- and one that I know is not shared by all... but ashamedly... at times... I have strived for this and thrilled at having that competitive edge...

Fat also represents aging, and thin still represents youth, the young adolescent body-under developed, untouched by the years, by childbirth, by stress and age. Many of us continue to buy into the youth culture and compare our bodies to girls and young women much younger than ourselves. Being thin represents an attempt to maintain eternal youth. It is in some way a rejection of the time that has passed and the experiences our bodies have been through as well. And we do perceive that youthfulness and young figure to be more desirable and crave that eternal attractiveness.

But finally, it is also a rejection of all that is upon us. A rejection of standing out in a room, or taking up place. It is a desire to be invisible, to be unnoticed, unexceptional, to be able to slip quietly into the back of the room and not STAND OUT because we are SO LARGE. We perceive that the larger a person is, the more others will notice and criticize them, so it is a hope that we can flee from this intense criticism on at LEAST one dimension. Thus, it is a rejection of feeling your thighs touch each other, or a little bit of belly hanging over the jeans. Being thin per se, is often not the goal. It is the LACK of fat which is the goal. Many of us are choosing to reject the family genetics from which we come, we have come to associated full figuredness with certain stereotypes and have developed a sense of agony and torture over the thought of being anything like that. What the "round" middle age woman means to me now, is not a person I want to be- as in my mind she is not athletic, vivacious, competent, sexy, ambitious. Every ounce of fat upon my body, apparently takes away from these characteristics. For me at times, I have been able to actually say; " I would rather be dead than Fat". It is a desperate attempt to NOT be something, rather than a seeking of the power of thin. It is a running away from fat, because of what we believe "fat" makes us.

I know I do not want to be frail or seen as frail, I do not want to be a competitive bitch among women, I do not want to be thirteen years old, and I do not want to run away from who I am anymore.

I am Amy, no more, no less. Just Amy.

With powers of my own not tied to my weight or figure or age....