It's not easy being green....

I always knew I was different. Growing up, I really did hate the muppet show, but I did love that song.

As ED sufferers, we are so similar to each other in our differences from the rest of the world. These differences wear on us sometimes. So please world, please be kind to us, please be patient with us, please give us the compassion and the dignity that we need. We are trying our very very best to be our best possible selves sharing your food planet with you.

We are very soft people with hard exteriors and strange circuitry.... we sense everything, but don't always feel everything, hear everything, or understand everything. Our cuing systems are "off". Things that are simple to you, are hard to us. Love, trust, self confidence, receiving compliments, truth...These concepts in the world around us confuse us. We will do odd things to protect ourselves. We often really don't know we are doing these things.

We live to please. Pleasing others is the only way that we know our value on this planet. It's the only way we can form our identities. Just look at the vast numbers of us who choose caring or performing professions where there is IMMEDIATE feedback in the form of helping or pleasing others.

We are secretly fearful people. We are ashamed of this. We hide our fearfulness through control mechanisms that are unique to each of us. Some but not all of them have to do with food. When you tap into our fears, we will act out against you, panic, or shut down.

We are highly impulsive. While we can be very intelligent, our impulsivity often makes us do "stupid things"... hence my favorite catch phrase of late.. BE NOT STUPID. It creates contradictions in how we sometimes act, our beliefs, our goals, and what you expect from us. It frustrates us as well. We live lives of regret and kicking ourselves the "day after" due to our impulsivity. It is an impediment to recovery and a frustration to those around us.

We feel very very alone with this disease. It separates us from you. We want to recover very badly and be like you. We just don't know how. We need to feel accepted and ok in your eyes. It is overwhelming and HUGE in our lives. It occupies more of our minds than others can possibly imagine. Getting better and getting free of the ED yoke and traps is harder than you can imagine too. From the outside you wonder why we can't walk away. You have no idea how it follows us and holds onto us.

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We are not children. We are adults. If you treat us like children, you hurt us deeply. We do, however, need to be held accountable for our behavior. But our learning curve is slow. Nobody can learn it for us. We have to. Recovery is a long process and can require many supports of which there are not enough.

Tonight, I ask for those of you helping ED sufferers, loving ED sufferers, for patience and compassion and respect for us. We are..... who we are. We are different.

But please remember who we are that is greater and beyond the disease. We are much much more than the eating disorder. And help us to remember that too, because we forget that sometimes.
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Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me, and be my friend
-Albert Camus

Perfect

I will admit,

this word as yet escapes my lips too easily.

In reflecting on this... I still hold myself to such things as...

Perfect hair
Perfect demeanor
Perfect lecture
Perfect answers to any questions
Perfect house
Perfect smile
A perfect day without mistakes.

And as I grow and become Amy I accept that I am still a wild child, loose and free and rambling. So often stumbling and getting up. And clumsy and silly. And that I say things that are far from perfect, but are sometimes poetic or brilliant or helpful to others (or in fact utterly stupid or confusing). But, all in all, it doesn't matter. Because what matters, is that I am me. And I have fought hard in so many ways to be me, that who I am is non-negotiable now. I have protected myself from relationships that did not allow it. I have left jobs and employers that did not allow me to be me, and when I couldn't I learned how to put up mental blocks in those places. I have left Ed who cruelly discouraged me from being the real me.

It is time to ban this word from my vocabulary.

There is no such thing as perfect.....

and I don't want to be. I want REAL.

I am fine....

Thanks to a friend for sharing with me the definition of "fine"

Fine: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional

So,

The next time someone ask you how you are, and you say you are fine... are you?

Because there is more to be grateful for than just peanut butter

Thank goodness for...

My children's beauty and strength and love and wisdom
and the smiles on my children's faces this morning
and that
I am still here to see them

The smell of lavendar and basil and thyme and roses in my garden
the dirt under my nails
the sweat on my body as I work the soil
my grandfather for teaching me to love the earth
and the wild beauties that come from it

My precious select friends that just seem get me
and allow me my space to be me
in patience and understanding
and continue to
and my ability to figure out who those friends were

For the 4 non blondes song on my shuffle
and the joy of music and the beat of life in my soul
for my voice and my ears and my heart

for paint, and paper, and glue and wood
and books and words
and the wonderful things that we can make from them!

for a life that seems to continually award
grace
and
do overs and new beginnings

-Thank goodness for life and the times I chose it, so I can be here now feeling this, writing this and knowing this--

Accountability

I have said many times- that emotional honesty is the name of the game. We do not heal from this, overcome this, and become whole people until we learn to speak with honest voices and be true to ourselves always.

And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.

I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.

I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.

I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....

shhhh...................................

While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.

no more shushing ourselves, or others.

We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.

It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.

Hugs to my friends.
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Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,

The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.

It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.

Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....

Sitting with our feelings

Feelings---

sometimes they aren't good, they aren't bad... they just are... and they are real... and they have to be acknowledged and lived...

and we have to sit with them...

I am still a work in progress....

and I am still ok with that

The paths I have taken are my own

and just part of my tapestry of self

and I am sure I will continue to take the paths less travelled.

I just seem incapable of anything else.

Acceptance-- hm.....

A sweet truth

What we do with our lives, how we treat others, and the difference we make in the world,

means INFINITELY more than what we look like, or what others think of us, or what we think others think of us.

Trying to live my life in service, and not in vanity.

The energy and passion wasted on a lifelong battle over a few stupid pounds my friends, is much better spent on other things...
---------------------------

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou

Becoming fearless

I am not sure where I am going with this idea.... it's more jumbles of ideas for my book. But more and more, I see that an answer for us is becoming fearless.

Over the past year of my life, I have had to do many things, that forced me to face fears. To make choices that forced me to be the grown up, even when I really did not want to be one.

It is the same with Ed. We are afraid of letting Ed continue to ruin our lives, yet afraid of a life without it.

Facing our fears, is a learning process. And learning to face fears takes time. when I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I am definitely not the same woman. I am proud of how I have grown.

It is not a graceful process, it is not a pretty process, it is something you just have to go and do sometimes. Sometimes we blurt, sometimes we cry, sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes it is not how we pictured it when we finally take our stand, but the point is, you have to do it, and you have to practice standing up for yourself.

The more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the stronger you become. The thicker our skin, and the bigger our playbooks.

Amy is becoming fearless. She really is.

I like that.
-------------------
When I was nine, I learned how to water ski. My brother of course was bigger and better and more fearless. If you have ever seen the wake created by a boat from the view directly behind it, you would know that a churned up path is formed directly behind then on either side is a series of waves undulating outwards. My brother could jump those waves. I could not. Even as a child, when I had something I was afraid of. I always pushed myself. My best friend Renee, likes to say I always have to "push the envelope". But these waves (usually in sets of 3), were what I set my mind too. I hated them, was terrified by them, but had to overcome them. I know it took at least one summer-probably two- and a lot of wipe outs. But eventually, I did overcome them, I never really jumped them, just sort of coasted over them, but that was good enough for me. The first wave, is indeed the biggest one, the second and third progressively smaller. When you pass the last one, the water is smooth as ice and your reward for crossing them as you hold onto the rope and soar out sideways of the boat.

Life is about these core strengthening battles and building ourselves from the inside.

I am becoming convinced more and more that so is recovery

Remember to celebrate your milestones in recovery

I keep being reminded how hard the struggle is for us. And it is important to remember that recovery is a journey. But unlike other metaphors about journeys that are poetic and beautiful, I am not so sure that this journey is the kind that you always really feel like savoring and enjoying so much along the way. Because really we want so much to get to the end and get to the other side. But, we do need to remember to celebrate our personal milestones of recovery. We must be proud of our progress and see our change. (See more on EDA's recovery milestones):

http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/docs/EDA%20Milestones%20of%20Recovery%201.1.pdf

But, each of us are unique. And your milestones may not be my milestones. Each of us has unique fears and challenges that we must face. And recovery is not food specific. While we are truly "food phobics" and "weight phobics", recovery is about so so much more. Recovery is about finding your voice in life. Finding your strength, and finding yourself in this world. It is about finding your life path, and finding your way. Growing up and growing stronger. Making goals and sticking to them. It is about becoming a bigger person, a more whole person, and a more consistent person. While sometimes change is huge and others can see it. Sometimes progress comes in tiny steps that maybe only we can see. But all steps are meaningful and important.

At times, life is indescribably hard with an eating disorder, and the non-eating disordered around us do not always understand just how hard is it to struggle moment by moment. So sometimes it is up to us, to remember to celebrate each of our own beautiful victories, to smile and breathe them in. And we can share them with each other, because we know (and you most DEFINITELY can share them with me!). WE KNOW, how hard it is to accomplish these major milestones.
----------------------------
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself.

-Shel Silverstein
-------------------------------

Remember to celebrate the magic within yourself my friends as you travel along your journey

Higher Power

Driving through South Hartford late evening a few weeks ago, I found a particular word on my mind. It was after a cool spring rain and it was particularly peaceful and quiet. All of the surfaces were shining and reflected the moon and street lights. My windows were rolled down and the air was fresh. This part of the city is full of small businesses and even on a quiet night such as this, always clicks to a quick urban beat.

At an intersection I looked over and noticed a door open to a meeting room holding a small religious gathering. About 5 people were present in a tiny room with pews. The room glowed. One woman's head was bowed and she wore a beautiful lace scarf over her head. Because of my lack of religious beliefs, I could never belong to this group, but I loved that sense of belonging that they had among each other.

Crossing in the middle of the intersection were two teenage boys jostling and laughing with each other. They belonged to each other. A young couple pushed a baby stroller down the sidewalk and met an older couple they knew. The two men grasped hands and wrapped their arms around each others shoulders. All of those on the outside of the meeting room that night, also, belonged to each other.

The EDA word that came to mind at that moment for me- was "Higher Power".
------------------------------
This word- Higher Power-- I can not begin to define for anyone. (In some ways can not begin to define for myself)

I think there are certainly many many ways to define this, but I am going to present one basic way tonight..... at least what it has come to mean to me.

At some point in my recovery, I had to begin to accept that I alone did not have all the answers.

I had to accept that I needed help from others. That I was not an expert in eating, in health, or even in myself. That trying to solve it on my own, I had failed miserably over and over and over again. Specifically, that at times, I needed to put myself into the hands of others and respect what they had to say. That I needed to trust what they told me. And that I needed to be able to wait and see on the outcome.

I had to seek new ways of recovery, from others, from those outside me, and I had to find faith and what I like to call "suspension of disbelief". I had to believe that recovery was real. That life after an eating disorder was real. I had to believe that I could eat like a normal woman again. That I could live in a normal body and love myself that way again.

I had to understand that I belonged to a world greater than my tiny little myopic world of eating theories and plans and fears in Amy's brain.

I had to reach out and be willing to "belong" and be open to my community's resources - it's higher powers...

which ultimately led to the higher powers within myself.

When the world doesn't believe in us

News from several friends has prompted this post. Tonight I am frustrated and angry (yes, angry) for my friends.

And it does conjure memories of my past.

What happens when those around us give up on us? When institutions and policies do not provide for us?

And why do they? and is it ok?

It is not really ok-no. But it is human nature, and it is not our position to judge but to accept. We can not ask anyone to give more than they are capable of giving, or understanding any more than they can. We are in the position that we are in, because of our actions. We can not ask anyone else to save us but ourselves. Is it fair that there are not enough treatment options, no. Is it fair that people outside of us do not understand how HARD it is to recover, no. Is it fair that sometimes people would rather turn away, than roll up their sleeves and fight this with us, no. But, should that make you roll over and give up and die either. HELL NO.

It is your life, and if you want it- YOU ultimately have to be the one to fight for it in the end.
------
Be a Fighter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4

Irony

My friends... i have noticed an interesting irony... yet again in my life....

It has been a year since I started my blog.

I began it June 5th, 2008.

So today, On June 6th, 2009th, the topic of my blog is freedom...

the title of my very first blog was

"twenty three years later and no sign of real FREEDOM yet"

- i can honestly say--

this really is no longer true

In so many ways.... I can say with confidence, honesty and peace

I am so free, I will always be a person with this inside of me.

But

In some beautiful powerful sense of the word

In a sensual spiritual emotional

living

real

sense of the word

I am free!
-----------------------

Note: Since I am noting dates, I think I have an anniversarying coming. Looking at the dates of last years posts, I am guessing that June 30th of last year will approximately mark a one year anniversary since my last relapse to purging. This to me is BEYOND INCREDIBLE, even in good stretches earlier in my life (Aside from the babymaking/nursing years-where I was the model of health), the longest I had maintained was usually 6-9 months without a slip. I will find a quiet way to celebrate that day. I need some more poetry books :)

Freedom

Freedom.

This is not an EDA word as promised, but right now, it is my favorite word.

It is a paradoxical word.

It is a strong word. It is associated with liberation and political movements- I like it for that reason. It brings about a call to arms!

But it is a light word promising a feeling of transcendental and heavenly flight.

So, maybe it is a frightening word.
When we are finally free from the things that haunt us, be it a bad relationship, a bad disorder, bad thoughts, what will take their place?

And that is where the work begins.

We have to take the place of what we become free from.

We have to.... because ultimately, if we become so free that we become so light and fly away, while a beautiful thought it is also terrifying.

Let us all keep our feet on the ground

as we embrace ourselves

and our freedom.

Words

My thoughts the last few days, have been circling on the power of words. My entire life, I have been connected somehow to the play, power, creation, history of words. Either scientifically, artistically, professionally, or personally. My interests have included linguistics, counseling, child language development, writing, teaching, all of these employ either the examination, careful use, or play of words. Language and words, play incredible roles in our lives. Because of this... I am going to allow myself a little time to play with some of the words that have come up in EDA that are not so well examined through the space of my blog.

Just a heads up on things to come.

500 views

My blog today has reached 500 views. This heartens me. Dear readers, I hope that you are all well, strong, and happy. Thank you for your readership. I do love each of you dearly in your silence and am honored that you have allowed me to share my thoughts with you.

Your friend in this journey,

Amy

Recovery

What does this word mean?

Renewal?

Healing?

Recreating oneself?

Starting over?

Rest?

Relaxing?

Rebuilding yourself?

How many of those things can you do?

Can you REALLY do ALL of them????

Hm........ today I am questioning myself on that.....I know I run and run and run and keep busy to keep myself two steps ahead of the things that plague me... I am still that "busy busy girl" as my grandmother said.

In my worst dreams I am always running. Always running from something or somebody and that is how it has been my whole life. And trying to gather together the tools I need to fix the problem or my survival supplies, finding and mobilize others, or find the escape route. And I suppose in reality, that's how I live, both in happiness and unhappiness.

What would happen if I sat still long enough for life to catch up with me for once?

Really?

What is the worst thing that could happen?