Higher Power

Driving through South Hartford late evening a few weeks ago, I found a particular word on my mind. It was after a cool spring rain and it was particularly peaceful and quiet. All of the surfaces were shining and reflected the moon and street lights. My windows were rolled down and the air was fresh. This part of the city is full of small businesses and even on a quiet night such as this, always clicks to a quick urban beat.

At an intersection I looked over and noticed a door open to a meeting room holding a small religious gathering. About 5 people were present in a tiny room with pews. The room glowed. One woman's head was bowed and she wore a beautiful lace scarf over her head. Because of my lack of religious beliefs, I could never belong to this group, but I loved that sense of belonging that they had among each other.

Crossing in the middle of the intersection were two teenage boys jostling and laughing with each other. They belonged to each other. A young couple pushed a baby stroller down the sidewalk and met an older couple they knew. The two men grasped hands and wrapped their arms around each others shoulders. All of those on the outside of the meeting room that night, also, belonged to each other.

The EDA word that came to mind at that moment for me- was "Higher Power".
------------------------------
This word- Higher Power-- I can not begin to define for anyone. (In some ways can not begin to define for myself)

I think there are certainly many many ways to define this, but I am going to present one basic way tonight..... at least what it has come to mean to me.

At some point in my recovery, I had to begin to accept that I alone did not have all the answers.

I had to accept that I needed help from others. That I was not an expert in eating, in health, or even in myself. That trying to solve it on my own, I had failed miserably over and over and over again. Specifically, that at times, I needed to put myself into the hands of others and respect what they had to say. That I needed to trust what they told me. And that I needed to be able to wait and see on the outcome.

I had to seek new ways of recovery, from others, from those outside me, and I had to find faith and what I like to call "suspension of disbelief". I had to believe that recovery was real. That life after an eating disorder was real. I had to believe that I could eat like a normal woman again. That I could live in a normal body and love myself that way again.

I had to understand that I belonged to a world greater than my tiny little myopic world of eating theories and plans and fears in Amy's brain.

I had to reach out and be willing to "belong" and be open to my community's resources - it's higher powers...

which ultimately led to the higher powers within myself.