Accountability

I have said many times- that emotional honesty is the name of the game. We do not heal from this, overcome this, and become whole people until we learn to speak with honest voices and be true to ourselves always.

And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.

I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.

I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.

I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....

shhhh...................................

While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.

no more shushing ourselves, or others.

We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.

It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.

Hugs to my friends.
-------------------------------
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,

The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.

It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.

Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....