For Michelle

Many years ago, I lost someone close to me under terrible circumstances. We had been close friends for a very long time. She was a beautiful special person. She was someplace she should not have been and nobody, including myself, told her not to be there. We had parted two months prior under less than ideal terms before her death. I was young and overwhelmed with my life. I thought I could always come back and “fix things up” between her and I. Life never gave me that chance.

This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?

As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.

But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.

We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.

For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993