Out damned spot

In the scene in MacBeth when Lady MacBeth has become obsessed with her husband's murder and figuratively cannot become clean, she continues to compulsively clean her hands and becries,

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

For those of us farther down the recovery road- it seems like we fought like that against our weight and bodies, and then continue even upon recovery, to fight like that to rid ourselves of the imprints of this disease upon ourselves, because we are stigmatized and feel marked by it for years. In many ways, there is no perfect recovery. We struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with the after effects of having had an eating disorder that linger upon us for a long time- in fact we wish to blot away the very fact we had an eating disorder.

In some ways it feels similar to the constellation of other behaviors we have related to our perfectionism-As we often struggle with imperfect situations in our lives. We have difficulty sitting with our feelings, we have difficulty with failure, loss, inadequacy. These painful cycles of self judgment, and attempts to correct situations, attempts to heal ourselves and even make everyone happy "in the end" and move beyond the past, find the answer that we missed, sometimes just need to be put away....

So today, I say, Ed (and eternal searching) be damned--

Today, you can just go away and leave me the hell alone.

Because I want to just sit with my feelings and eat some chocolate. Like other people do, when they are in a crappy mood.