Wanting my reality

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of reality lately.

How is it possible for someone to think they are recovered but not be.

I was not in active denial, or even passive denial. I believed I was in recovery. I believed I had active coping strategies. I knew I didn't feel as good, or was as strong or as healthy as I wanted to be. But I believed I was in recovery.

I came up with a list of things related to "reality" and related to "nonreality". This represents my beginning of a sorting process for this. These are underlying "unhealthy thoughts" or "fallacies"that still affect my thinking at this stage of my recovery.

Fallacy: I can choose whether or not to be hungry
Truth: Internal off-on switches do not really exist
When I am not living in the world of reality, I seem to believe that I can turn off hunger by choice, similar to turning on and off feelings by choice. This continues to represent suppression. Turning off hunger, choosing to deny food as part of my life as a recovery process, choosing to deny certain feelings also as part of a recovery process, continue to represent suppression and stall the recovery process.

Fallacy: To feel good about myself I just need to be "well heeled"
Truth: Physical appearance does not complete a person
My use of retail therapy, using men to make me feel good, the eternal pursuit for the right hair color and hairstyle, (etc). While believing these were ways to build my self-esteem in ways that were unrelated to weight, and in ways that would allow me to see myself as beautiful, in many ways continue to place undue emphasis on the role of physical appearance in my life. When I can not achieve the perfection I want, it still leaves me feeling empty and frustrated. In fact, one day last week, I spent all day in one of my husband's oversized t-shirts and my favorite velour loose pants and it was the most relaxing and self-nourishing days I had spent in a long time. It just felt good.


Fallacy: To recover, my body has to be within a target weight or other kind of "fitness"/ size goal
Truth: I need to learn to trust my body and accept it where it is
I have repeatedly traded in one body project for another. While having goals for weight and exercise can be achieved by people without eating disorders, I can not. I have allowed myself to hang onto this fallacy- and basically-- have a body project-- and basically have a mini (less devastating) version of the eating disorder (body image disorder at least). To truly walk away, I must first accept where my body is now and today. I must have no more body projects. I must have spiritual and mind and emotional projects.

Fallacy: To recover, I need a certain amount of emotional support and lack of stress in my life
Truth: I need nothing but myself to recover
This journey began alone in a bathroom 23 years ago. I do not need to have conditions surrounding me to stay healthy. When I am scared about life, relationships, feeling threatened or vulnerable, this is not an acceptable place to run. In fact, it is those times I need to be healthiest and strongest.