Maybe

just maybe....

I'm not fat.

So, I've been working with a nutritionist for about a week now. And had my second appointment today. She did not want me to set losing any weight as a goal. Not because of the trigger potential, but because she actually felt my figure and my weight were proportionate and healthy. She actually used the phrase "pretty slim" and "strong". She said she can tell I've worked hard on my body lately. And I'm struck. Maybe, I really am where I'm supposed to be. Maybe this lifelong fight to be somebody else, well, maybe it is rather silly.

So, I have to eat more though according to her and I need to eat regularly. Both tall orders. As she is saying this, in the back of my head I'm thinking- you are the enemy. But, I suppresed that voice repeatedly through the appointment. I have to eat more carbs, more fat at certain times of day, and lose my fear of cardio. That will be interesting to see. My recovery has been based on giving up cardio and cutting my calories and enjoyable foods out of my diet. The analogy I shared with her is I feel like I created a Kansas world of food and need to be able to live in technicolor again.

My recovery has been based on living in a very black and white blah world of food. Because if I eat food that is plain, then I won't overeat it. And if I don't overeat, I won't purge. It has worked for a long long time. And I have so many ingrained tricks for appetite suppression that I really noticed this week from recording my hunger patterns. I can fairly instantly go from peaking hunger- to "deciding" I'm not hungry. But this is wearing on me. And it wears on my family. I don't cook nearly as much as I should. Lately we have taken to eating out just because I hate cooking so much. They love it when I try new recipes, and I love it too. They love the smells coming from the kitchen and the table covered with dishes.

I really was thinking this week about my exercise patterns in recovery. I avoid it a lot of the time- fearfully. Cardio increases my appetite, and I have never been able to start an exercise plan without "supplementing" it with starvation and purging. Which usually leads to injury, hair loss, heartbeat irregularities, lots of bad stuff. I have done more damage through exercise bulimia than anything else.

She has left my exercise plan up to me, but is encouraging the cardio. I have two eating options. One for maintainance if I try cardio, one for maintainance if I don't do cardio (I already burn alot by walking, cycling and lifting, but don't do high cardio). If my knees continue to hurt and I want to try and lose ten pounds, she has a plan for that too.