The different Amy's

It's so strange how little a part of my life this is- yet how completely a part of my life it is.

Eating is one of the basic core functions of our survival. It effects all aspects of our being: sleeping, activity, thinking. When we alter our food consumption we alter our capacity to function. At some level, it is a white noise that I carry inside of me, in the back of my mind all day. At times, when I suffer most, it screams. At times it can still control me and I want to throw it off me. But rarely do I think of it as defining me anymore. Most of the time, these days, it is not screaming, it just sort of lives it's quiet shadow existence inside of me.

I am a highly functioning professional, ambitious, engaged. I feed my children, I feel as though I am a good mother. I love my husband and our marriage continues to grow towards something stronger. I have a fulfilling social life. I have largely conquered the emotional demons of the disorder from my childhood. I have read the books, and done the talk therapy. I feel rounded and complete. This me is puzzled by the eating disordered me. This me is puzzled by the relapses. And yet this me allows the eating disordered me a certain amount of leash to exist still. This me seems to have bartered and negotiated an existence with the other me.

I do not think this is real recovery. I think this is a truce. A poorly negotiated truce.