Our own Portraits of Dorian Gray

An analogy lately has been in my mind and it has been puzzling me (as a writer) as to the best way to get it onto paper.

There was an old movie, most likely based on a book I suppose, that I remember seeing as a child, The Portrait of Dorian Gray.

The story has all the classic elements of a "selling your soul to the devil" story. The tragic lead character makes an exchange with the devil for something they desire and in doing so, in reality suffers some tragic -ironic- outcome.

In this particular tale, Dorian sells his soul to the devil for eternal youth and beauty but in exchange is given a portrait of himself how he really truly is. And it not only represents his true aging processes, but his true moral character over time. Dorian over time, will peek at the portrait, as it becomes a gradually more horrifying representation of himself. And even though his outward manifestation of beauty and appearance to the world is unchanged, his own fixation with what is happening with the portrait- thus his internal self- will cause him eternal suffering. Yet he is not mature enough himself to truly understand the paradox within which he is caught.

For me at least, over the years, I have found myself quite aware of that portrait of Amy that others are not aware of. I did indeed attempt to sell myself to the Demon Ed for some concept of eternal youth and beauty. However in doing so in reality I destroyed my internal self in two very real ways- psychologically and in an extremely real physical sense. I would be ashamed to admit the very real consequences to my internal organs and health due to the horrible things I have done to my body over the years, many of which are embarrassing. I have a sense that my external body has the appearance of a 35 year old, but I feel as though I am carrying around 70 year old organs at times. And my portrait would indeed capture that (yes I am a fan of Frida Kahlo's works..... see the connection...)

More significantly though perhaps is the psychological element that would have to be incorporated into my picture. While we suffer from self-loathing and a form of self-punitive mental processes that others are at times aware of, it is evident to me now from my interactions that nobody REALLY understands the depths to which these self hating thoughts are truly nightmarish and horrible at times. To look inside our minds at the times when we are cruelest to ourselves would be utterly painful to the "normal" outsider. This twisted and at times vitriolic load of black bile that only we can pour upon ourselves is also one of the HARDEST things to stop. (Another apropo analogy would be Hieronymus Bosch- yes another favorite artist of mine.)

The irony is that we are so careful to portray for the world only the brightest and shiniest parts of our personality, that few people are really aware of the dark suffering we carry. In fact, I remember showing my husband photos of my on-line recovery friends and him saying, "I just don't understand it, you are all so pretty" But that is precisely it. We are- we are all so fixated on our outside appearances, that regardless of our weight or genetics, yes, we are pretty. Pretty, gentle, sweet, kind women. Experts in grooming, appearances and demeanor. All of us.

In order to recover-- the outside has to begin to match the inside... the inner health both physically and psychologically must have a chance to heal.

And while this is a rather intense post and I have put off talking about it-- I will end on this note-- my Portrait of Amy-- is so much nicer than it used to be---I am healing psychologically and physically, and it just FEEELS so good.