Thanksgiving and giving thanks

Thanksgiving has passed,

and I am grateful to be here, alive, and surrounded by kindred spirits in my life, who understand who I am, love me for all my strengths and weaknesses, and encourage me to seek what I want to do with my life. Who do not judge me, but celebrate me. I am grateful that I have three unique and spirited children who are prospering. And I am grateful for each and every day that I have with them. I am grateful for a boyfriend who adores me and understands me, and when he does not understand me, invests endless energy and patience in "figuring me out".

I am grateful that I ate and enjoyed our Thanksgiving feast guilt free. That I savored it and allowed myself the decadent experience of eating without shame. I prepared food for the ones I love and great care went into the preparation of the food. And for once, I too enjoyed the product instead of merely watching others eat and making my primary concern the intricate act of serving others.

I am grateful for my ability to recover, to weather the hard times, and to be here today, smiling, strong and happy.

Life is good-- Living-- is good.

honesty

Recovery means a lifetime commitment to honesty

the ability to honestly assess your habits, your strengths, your behaviors and the path you are on every single day.

ED is always at the back door. Honesty is the ONLY way to keep him out.

for those suffering still tonight

My heart still breaks for those who still suffer. The cycle is vicious. And the outside world stands stunned and unable to understand the trap that we live in. I am grateful to live on the other side. And escape is complicated. It takes many many steps to get to freedom. Changing so many perspectives, aspects of your environment, your lifestyle, your behaviors.

So sad when I hear news of those who suffer to great depths.

We are complicated, and we hurt with this. Sometimes we hurt to a great extent that it seems unbearable.

You have to believe in a better way, in a better life, NOT JUST in a life without the eating disorder, but in a life where you are stronger, more confident, more competent, and more powerful. I have found in my own life that it does exist. I truly wish for my friends out there that their paths will continue towards that better life as well.

Change takes time

Something I have learned about myself:

Change takes time....

My common M.O. is to go through something- and indeed as those closest to me know my life has brought to me a lot of "somethings"- and to simply pop up and say- "I'm all better now!" and the happier and more cheerful the voice, the better I feel and more I think I have accomplished. I pat myself on the back, I look for my silver lining quickly and I go a long the way.

But in reality, this past year, I have come to embrace the following:

that real change, is painful, it is slow, it is not easy.

Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes, you do have to go through more pain and more loneliness and more struggle until you feel better. Because emotions aren't pleasant, and feelings aren't always pretty. Just like WE aren't always supposed to be pleasant or pretty. And we have the right to take our time, to express ourselves and attempt to talk things out, and we have the right to be unpleasant or less than pretty at times.

And it's after you take the time, to feel and to hurt and sort through slowly and mindfully your experiences, that you will wake up one morning and the sun will be shining and you stretch your arms and then you can pop up out of bed and say truly, "wow, I am better, I feel good, and I KNOW WHY"

And it's different because you know why, and you are stronger, and you understand the path that you went down.

And that knowledge and that strength you gained, because you didn't take a short cut with your emotions, that's the real silver lining.

All you need is love....

I am inspired by another blog (http://aprildamato.blogspot.com)to write this blog tonight:

I believe in love and it's transformational power. And a lot of recovery indeed hinges upon love.

Love of others, love by others, love of the world you live in, and love of yourself.

You must love your family and friends to recover. You must acknowledge that you are not being your best and giving them your best as a person with an Eating Disorder. You must love them so much you believe that they are worth more than the person and friendship they are receiving from you.

Love from others, unconditional, uplifting, nonjudgmental love is curative. Love that sees you as you are inside. Love that sees your strengths and is willing to ignore your weaknesses. Love that celebrates you for your true beauty as a human being is powerful. Being able to find the people who will love you that way and being open to that love is an important part of your life path to recovery.

Loving the world around you, so that you become a part of it, instead of holed up inside your head is also a part of recovery. Becoming positive about the world, and the people in it. Seeking a future in that world where you are an engaged and confident member of it, instead of being fatalistic and withdrawn and angry or scared of it, is also vital to recovery. You must see the beauty of the world and EAT of the world.

Finally, most importantly, you must be able to love yourself. You must realize that an eating disorder is self abuse, and that you are a person worth more than abuse. That you will shelter and protect and nurture yourself simply because you love yourself.

Loving you and loving me

Amy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzJ2NKp23WU

About ending my EDA involvement

Recently I attempted to organize and facilitate EDA groups for my state, as readers will see in my blogs. I wanted to speak briefly about why I discontinued those. I found that my personal time and resources did not allow for me to support it in the way it needed to be supported. I found myself giving so much to the group, and very little to continuing my own development and the development of my new life. And I found aspects of the group interactions actually unhealthy for me and some group members. Once I made that last observation, I discontinued my involvement immediately- not wanting to be part of something that was non-optimal for others. I found that what had started as a truly spiritual type of awakening for many people, failed to continue to prosper in that direction without the proper structure to do so.

I have learned many things from this experience, and I feel others did as well. I am truly touched by the friends I made and (hopefully) the growth they experienced in our 6 months together in this social experiment. I am reflecting now on what we did together and the experience I had, especially the more intense and transformational aspects of the experience. I hope to find some meaning and wisdom to draw upon to inform future efforts and current practice of others.

Amy

Random Thoughts Of Late

Meal Plans May Be Forever....

As I am becoming more and more happy and growing into my body and accepting food. I do find myself from time to time stressed with the "new me" and the "new body". I remember though, that if I am essentially following "the meal plan", then I have that comfort that I am ok, I am doing what my body needs and it assures me that I am where I should be and it will take care of me in the end.

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Can an ED Recoverer Eat Bacon?

Yes, Virginia, they can. With faith, and trust and pixie dust. They can.

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How is the NEW BODY working out for you?

It is softer, it is womanly, the curves are in the right places, and my bras fit again. It pleases me. I still have clothes that fit it. Makes sure you keep all your clothing in all your healthy sizes. It makes it so much easier when you are healthy again to find something to wear and to enjoy being healthy again.
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Donuts?

Yum. Sparingly.

But Yum.