The line stays

I still believe. When you draw the line in the sand. The day you say- I am done with this- No more self abuse, no more purging, no more starving, no more allowing Ed in my head. The line has to stay.

You allow relapse, you allow steps backward. I do not believe being soft in recovery. I do not believe in that.

When you draw the line in the sand, the sand is concrete and there is no turning back.

Who are you meant to be?

I am watching my daughter growing now into a strong, vibrant, very independent minded young woman. She is not lithe. She is not light on her feet. In fact, if she wanted to “take out” any boy in her fourth grade class, I am quite sure she could. Medically, she is probably considered close to overweight because she is so strong and sturdy. She does not have the look and feel of other girls in her class. If you pick her up, you would feel her density.

When she is on the soccer field, for every ten girls playing, there is usually one other like her. With strong legs, and powerful stance. A low center of gravity and less bounce to her dribble across the field.

And I watch her with pride, when she scowls across the field, fierce and mighty, and kicks the ball as hard as she can. I know she feels powerful then, and unhindered. I know she feels accomplished and feels like she is who she is “supposed to be” in those moments. She is truly her most beautiful then.

But I also know she is starting to feel different from other girls. She tells me this. She is beginning to compare herself physically to the other girls.And I tell her, you are who you are supposed to be. And I love you just the way you are.

She is like her mother, sometimes she grooms and wants to be “girlie”. She loves dresses, like her mother. Would collect them if she could. But, sometimes she’d rather be in the dirt, with her pants rolled up, and her hair wildly blowing in the wind (and thorns and leaves stuck to it!). Because some days she just can’t be bothered with brushing her hair. Like her mother, “reminders are helpful”.

And no matter what, wild and messy, or hair brushed and in a pink dress, she is beautiful. Because she is herself. Not the vision of what someone else wants her to be at those times.

She is curious like her mother, opinionated, and is finding her voice, so much earlier than I ever did. She does not have a quiet voice. When she wants to speak, she says it loud enough so you know WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

And it is my hope, that she will know that she is becoming WHO she is meant to be. And that she will keep becoming WHO she is meant to be. A strong woman, a fierce woman, a smart woman, a woman who is not to be messed with. A woman whose body is strong and will not fail her or her children when she needs it.

Because more than anything, I want her to be a confidant woman. And you can’t be confidant- if you are trying to be someone who are you ARENT supposed to be.

WHO are you meant to be? Are you honoring that?

Just as I am

I don’t like to share much specific details about my personal situation on here, as it seems somewhat in questionable taste.

However, you could say, my heart took quite a journey the last several years. Over the last few years, I was forced to examine the relationship that I was in and the effects it was having on my well being and the well being of my children. Eventually I decided to end that relationship and end the pain and neverending confusion in my life that it caused. Then the journey took me on the path that included the bumps and bruises along the way of redefining myself as a single woman.

And then out of the blue, when my life was momentarily still, a new relationship began. And there is a story about that relationship, that I would like to tell.....

About a year and a half ago, when my other relationship was clearly over, and I was in a dark and quiet and contemplative place, a friend told me to write my “bottomlines” as I like to call them. This is the list of things you will never settle for in a relationship again. The things you must have. And I did. And that list is private and just for me, so I won’t post all of them here. But so you have an understand of the gist of them, a few of them are:

He must smile when I walk into the room

He must love children and understand how I love children

And about six months into my relationship, I revisited this list and found that indeed, and to my utter amazement, my guy met every criteria on my must have's list.

And then I realized, the other day, there is a criteria I did not put on the list, that perhaps would have trumped all of them. That this new relationship brings to me that profoundly amazes me each and every day.

He must love me just as I am

This kind of love; this love without judgment ; Love without desire for perfection or change, is a new experience for me. It is healing, it is right, and it is liberating. It encourages me to love myself as I am. It is comfortable and it is comforting.

And the reason I share this, is because I want to encourage my friends to BELIEVE, and to encourage you to include this on your lists. To never doubt that this is out there. And to hold high standards for the love you seek. What if we had this expectation for every supportive relationship we sought in life? How different would our lives, and indeed the world be?

Poetry about eating disorders

This may be too difficult for some readers, as I found it somewhat difficult for me. But some of it is very beautiful as well.

http://www.caringonline.com/feelings/poetry/collection/index.htm

Be kind and always do your best

In the first chapter of the book, "Writing Down the Bones " , the author (Natalie Goldberg) says the best advice she ever received and the best you could ever give to others was, to "be kind and always do your best".

This has in fact been stuck in my mind for several months now.

As perfectionists, I think it is perilous territory how we perceive the latter part of that message and it is indeed the combination of the two that matters.

Being kind- to ourselves, to others and to the planet, is that motivation which keeps us honest, and gentle, and grounded. It is that concept which keeps our work good and our actions beneficial and healthy.

Doing your best- will you define that as winning the race? winning the competition? being the prettiest girl at the ball?

that is the dangerous part of the concept.

Doing your best is doing YOUR best. And YOUR best changes from day to day (ala Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements). If you are tired, your best may be less than the day you have slept well and can do more. If you have just broken up with the love of your life, your best may indeed be very very little. But, if you still do YOUR best, each and every day, you will keep the wheels of your life turning and go to bed each day knowing you did a good job and can be satisfied that you did. Because doing your best is not necessarily tied to actions, or what others see, but IS ALSO being true to yourself, your beliefs and your needs as well.

What matters is not winning the race, but the way you perform and live your life across the journey as a whole.

Being kind, slowly and with patience and grace, and doing your best to be kind, day after day, is how we transform ourselves, our world, and each other.

i would encourage my readers to visit this other blog which I have recently had brought to my attention and have been enjoying:

http://kindnessmattersalways.blogspot.com

Because sometimes food IS love....

I started today with a very very old family recipe. It's an acquired taste. And it's certainly not health food. In fact, I will say it's a recipe that "we" would by most accounts be terrified of. But it reminds me of my childhood. Deep fried rice cakes, smothered with butter and syrup. And I remembered the absolute feeling of being full, and nourished. And knowing it was special food and not something to eat every day. And the smell of the crisping rice rising from the hot oil. And my grandmother lifting them up still slightly sizzling onto the plate.

And today, for the first time ever I also baked bread. Not low fat. Not dense whole wheat. Just plain old gorgeous white bread. And it came out JUST RIGHT. And we all just basked in the deliciousness of the aroma that filled the house as it baked. How incredible it was to be baking one of the simplest, yet most satisfying foods that there is. BREAD. One of the foods that has been basic to humanity since the history of cooking. BREAD. One of the foods that women in particular have known how to make around the world in some form or another for centuries upon centuries.

And my children ate this bread, and felt nourished inside, much as I felt nourished by my grandmothers rice cakes.

When we care for others, we nourish them, we fill them, we take care of them. And food, is one of the very basic ways in which we do this. Denying ourselves of food and the opportunities to be loved THROUGH food... is a very very sad thing indeed.

enjoying the silence

The silence.

He is gone.

He no longer speaks to me. Criticizes me, comments on everything I wear. He doesn't look at my reflection every time I pass a window or mirror. He doesn't ask me about every bite I put in my mouth. He doesn't plan my day according to how little I should eat or how long I should exercise.

I live with a blessed silence. And my mind is full of other thoughts now. Happy thoughts. Strong thoughts. Confident thoughts.

This----

IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE.