When life comes galloping at you...

I hate to admit it, off and on in my life, I am and have been a person prone to developing fears... to date some of my fears have been:

planes, heights, germs, dogs (now limited to German Shephards, Chows, Dobermans, and Jack Russell Terriers), public speaking, boats, bridges, caves and sinkholes, jellyfish, yellowjackets, june bugs, grasshoppers, driving next to trucks, driving by the woods at night, driving through cities, ghosts (but we're cool now), cows,

and

HORSES

(Note: speaking from a childhood experience where I was definitely someplace I was NOT supposed to be and encountered a horse that was NOT child friendly- I can assure you they are NOT as friendly as they look. Same thing goes for cows- and they can move much faster than ya'll would think.)

This morning, my dog and I were on our favorite "off the beaten path" trail in the woods. And I was very very deep in thought with my music turned up and my eyes on the ground. When we turned the corner, both Petey and I were rather startled to intersect with a rider on a horse. A REALLY REALLY HUGE horse I must add. And it's doing all those damn horsey things that they do, you know, snorting, flipping it's tail, stomping, looking down at me and staring at me straight in the eyes-- UGH! and I have to admit, I am FROZEN in my tracks. And to make things worse, I have Petey who not only has never seen a horse, suddenly believes he is capable of eating the horse.

So- I have a choice. And my first and most obvious choice is to be a grown up- I am alone in the woods and there is nobody else there to protect me! So, like a grown up, I must figure out, what are my options?

See- this is life.

Sometimes, we can just be going along, thinking everything is ok, or even GREAT, and we have things under control, and that thing we do not expect to fall upon us, just does. I had no idea that horses were allowed in this park. BUT we all have things we are vulnerable to. And some of those things, no matter how hard we have tried, or how far we have come, we will continue to be vulnerable to. As much as we want to think that we have become SO SO strong and impervious to harm, that is simply not the truth. But we CAN become smarter and better caretakers and protectors of ourselves under times of stress.

And that is what predicts whether or not we will relapse.

There will always be that thing that falls from the sky that we do not expect. The bad boyfriend, the person who disapppoints us, the well intentioned comment from a clueless "outsider", the toxic person who crosses our path, the thing from the past that comes back to haunt us, the work change or stress when we think it is all "under control". We have to be able to make choices quickly in the path of our worst fears, triggers, trials.

So, what did I do?

Well, I did pull back. And I breathed. And I reminded myself that most likely the person on the horse could control the horse. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). Then I told myself I could control Petey. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). And I got a firmer hold on him. Then I spoke. I said, "My dog has never seen a horse, this is going to be hard for me, can you please move over so we can pass?"

And they did.

And it was really hard for a few moments when we were passing, because they didn't move over as much as I wanted them to, and the horse did stomp and shuffle a bit, and make pretty scary noises at me, and my dog did pull and I did feel a bit panicky, but I just kept going. Because I had to. Because I knew I had no other choice and the sooner I got to the other side, the sooner it would be over.

And we went along our way.


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We can do this. We can meet all the things that life throws us, if only we take the time to pull back, breathe, remind ourselves of what we need to do, and take the time to advocate for our needs, drudge through what we have to get through reminding ourselves that "this too shall pass AND I got this!", and then continue along our paths to happier healthier selves.
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"If you're going through hell, keep going"
-Winston Churchill

My Body to Own

This body of mine

I am my own to own

It is woman it is soft it is strong

It is no longer to be sculpted in the eyes of Ed

It is Olympia reclining

It is Venus De Milo

It is Rembrandt’s Hendrickje

It is Marilyn wrapped in white sheets

It is velvet and grace and languid movements

Across the room

Like the panther with hips of the hunter

And soft padded feet

This body of mine

I am my own to own

From cradle to grave

It is a woman’s body

It is a woman’s heart

It is a woman’s soul

Bleeding, crying, dancing, birthing, holding, giving, comforting, loving, soothing, dreaming, aspiring

You will never take away my strength

My curves

Or my softness

Again.

My Windows are open? Are yours?

A while ago, a friend and I shared an analogy involving windows and walls. And my friend encouraged me to look forward to the day when my windows could truly be wide open and I could let the sunshine in. This week, I had the curious opportunity to use this analogy in three different occasions, two professionally, and one personally. (Isn't serendipity great!)

This morning, my windows are wide open. It is an absolutely gorgeous morning. My mind is buzzing with the voices of many new friends I have made, and passages from books I have read, and moments in time I have had the unique blessing to be a part of lately.

Many of us, have held onto ways of being and behaving that we believe in, that have NOT led us to healthy outcomes, but we can't let go of. Also we have holed ourselves up in our little worlds of pain and doom and self-criticism and abandoned hope on the outside world having much to offer us. It is only when we open the windows and are willing to receive fresh voices, fresh ways of being, fresh experiences, that we are able to grow and become better selves.

Read, talk, watch, listen, taking part, being present, trying new things ..... all of these are ways of opening your windows and bringing you closer to change and closer to growth.

Yeah....my windows are definitely open, and it's a beautiful world.

I love me

Ok- here it is- the "What I love about me assignment" that I think at some time or another, we have all come across or been told to do to... I have to admit, I have never really done it- For some reason, I am ready!

It has taken me a long time to be ready to write this, and I think therapists have no idea how long it does take for us to be here because of the dark world we live in inside.... BUT, today, I feel like it!

My job lately has taken me on the road again, and I have had the opportunity to surreptitiously steal a few moments here and there at the beach, in the woods, in a park....and I suppose these thoughts reflect my out of doors connections a little bit (and too much sun on the brain), but here goes. Thank you for humoring me. It feels a little more self-centered than a post should (even for something as narcisistic as a blog in the first place!) But, I want to record this for my own posterity, and to demonstrate, just how good, it does feel, to simply FEEL GOOD.

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I love that I hear and see and know things that other people do not. I love that I feel more deeply than I should sometimes.

I love that my greatest weaknesses are my greatest strengths.

I love that I am alone right now, and learning to love silence.

I love, that my smile makes other people smile.

I love that I can codeswitch, and talk to anyone. I love that if you locked me in a room with anyone for an hour, I would leave knowing their life story.

I love that I periodically speak in 4 different (horrible) accents... and seem to be working on my brooklyn one- YO.

I love that I grew up poor, and know exactly what I need in life. I love that I need very little to be happy.

I love that things of beauty in nature and art deeply move and affect me: like the ocean, mountains, a sunset, a rainbow, a painting, or a poem. I recognize that they are ALL powers greater than myself. I can become completely lost in these things.

I love that I compulsively sing and my children do too now. I love that I know the words to songs nobody else knows. And my children do too now.

I love that people fall in love with my sons instantly, but are a little intimidated by my daughter. I love that I may be raising the next viking warrior queen.

I love that I actually do believe every answer in life can be found in the Wizard of Oz.

I love that sometimes, I think I have actually discovered the meaning of life, (hint- rent the Wizard of Oz)

I love that I have grown my grandfather's wine colored iris everyplace I have ever lived.

I love that I have an almost inexplicably insatiable curiosity.

I love that I do not believe in God, but I do believe that if there is one, God believes in me.

I love that I now know so many backroads in CT that it doesn't matter anymore when I get lost. Of course, I only know those roads from getting lost in the first place!

I love that I do not REALLY place much value on personal grooming. But, I also love that I feel good in my skin now and DO IT FOR MYSELF when I do decide to "clean up and step out".

I love that I am so good at my job my boss overlooks things like lapses in professional grooming, showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and occasionally doing odd things like sticking my tongue out at co-workers or going on a political soapbox at an inopportune moment.

I love that I make ADHD look good.

I love that the strangest things bring tears to my eyes, like a flower left on a bench, or a strangers baby announcement.

I love that my daughter and I both are going to grow our hair out long together. I love that I am addicted to coloring my hair and don't really care what anyone else thinks, even when the result is a disaster.

I love that I never give up, well past even when I probably should.

I love that I am incapable of anger (despite all the therapy it has required! it is still a blessing!- refer to second point).

I love that I am a science fiction geek. For that matter, I love that I am a geek.

I love that I am most definitely weird, and quite possibly crazy.

I love that I have never, ever, lost my sense of humor.

I love that I am not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.

I love that I have learned to live with my mistakes.

I love that little children come to me and warm up to me, even the ones that usually don't trust strangers.

I love that I can dance.

I love that people are my real addiction, that it is where I draw my energy from, and that I know that now.

I love that I have found 14 four leaf clovers (edited 6/5/09 19!) in my life, because I always know where to look.

I love that I can change a tire in less than 20 minutes.

I love that I am not a snob.

I love my midwestern work ethic (of course it makes up nicely for the ADHD).

I love that I am still passionate about my job, and people know that I am passionate about it too, and I make them passionate about what they do as well.

I love that I am complex, that there are sides of me nobody really knows about or understands and that I have the rest of my life to figure myself out. I love that I am ok with all of me, finally.

I love that I am a survivor. I love that more than once in my life, I have surprised people and people have said the phrase about me, "never judge a book by it's cover".

I love that despite everything, I still believe in true love.

I love that I am joyful.

I love that I AM a mother. That I live and breathe this role, that I wanted to be one since I was a little girl, and that my children each have a piece of me inside of them, and that I will BE a mother until the day I die.

I love that I get knocked down, but I always get back up again. I love that I give the word tenacity a whole new meaning.

I love that my core values are kindness, gratitude, and inclusion and I live by those values. I love that I know what my core values are.

I love me
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Find the path towards loving yourself too... and your freedom. I would love to see your "l love myself" lists someday. We are works in progress, and we must love that we are growing, learning, and "becoming".

Amy

In review

The human body, it is strong and it is resilient, but it is a living growing thing. We have cells that need certain things to function and to replenish themselves. Our bodies do so much work for us to breathe, replace blood cells and bone and muscle tissue; and must have energy to move, think, and balance all these functions.

Water,
Fresh air,
Healthy foods
Rest
and Exercise

and sunshine, good thoughts and hope....

These are the things we need...

When you take care of your body, it WILL take care of you, I promise this my friends!

Standing by you

My friends,

It has occured to me more and more how we have the unique opportunity to support each other because of how deeply we understand each other. It is my hope that everyone who suffers will find a way to reach out to someone they trust to help them get out to the other side and then someday find it within themselves to reach out to others and help them through.

I hope my new friends will continue to reach out to each other and support each other as well as look inside to themselves and find that friend INSIDE OF THEMSELVES that they can trust! Part of recovery is finding your inner strength and learning how to "act in smarter ways" to look out for yourself. (Remember, we have to learn to become better and more trustworthy friends and caretakers to ourselves too)

Wishing everyone a peaceful day,

Your friend in this battle (even if we never meet),

Amy

Whether you are looking to me, others, or yourself for strength, this song is dedicated to all my beautiful special friends today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maAyfcO-X3k&feature=PlayList&p=887B077043D171CF&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19

Out damned spot

In the scene in MacBeth when Lady MacBeth has become obsessed with her husband's murder and figuratively cannot become clean, she continues to compulsively clean her hands and becries,

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

For those of us farther down the recovery road- it seems like we fought like that against our weight and bodies, and then continue even upon recovery, to fight like that to rid ourselves of the imprints of this disease upon ourselves, because we are stigmatized and feel marked by it for years. In many ways, there is no perfect recovery. We struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with the after effects of having had an eating disorder that linger upon us for a long time- in fact we wish to blot away the very fact we had an eating disorder.

In some ways it feels similar to the constellation of other behaviors we have related to our perfectionism-As we often struggle with imperfect situations in our lives. We have difficulty sitting with our feelings, we have difficulty with failure, loss, inadequacy. These painful cycles of self judgment, and attempts to correct situations, attempts to heal ourselves and even make everyone happy "in the end" and move beyond the past, find the answer that we missed, sometimes just need to be put away....

So today, I say, Ed (and eternal searching) be damned--

Today, you can just go away and leave me the hell alone.

Because I want to just sit with my feelings and eat some chocolate. Like other people do, when they are in a crappy mood.