Noticing the small things...

I have noticed that as I have recovered small things in my world have been able to reach me and touch me in deeper ways. The less buried we are in our eternal-internal dilemmas, the more we are able to notice and receive the small blessings given to us by the world around us.

Walking my dog this morning, I laughed as he and I skated across the frozen tundra that has become CT. The crows too were calling to us in their merry way from the naked trees above. And the slick frozen landscape sparkled and shone in the bright morning sunlight. Not every moment needs to be heavy with worry or care. It feels good to breathe the cold air and laugh with the crows sometimes.

It reminded me of Robert Frost.

Robert Frost is a "master" American poet known for appreciating the small, simple but poignant features of the American landscape and life. As I have matured and aged, poets like him, (and painters like Norman Rockwell, and composers like Aaron Copland) have begun to speak to me more. Our ability to capture these fleeting moments of truth, beauty and relevancy in our lives is something we miss if we are too caught up in our internal melodrama of food and weight and self hatred.

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Dust of Snow

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree
Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

-Robert Frost
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I'd like to add as a footnote: My absolute favorite aspect of recovery is having my mind and my mental energy back. The fact that I can pull out a favorite poem from my memory banks is not a small feat. The mental fatigue, the confusion, the irritability, all of that is gone. I always tell people, my brain on food sometimes feels like being on crack! The Amy who eats is very different from the Amy who doesn't eat.

More to life than this...

I met an artist recently and it reminded me of the importance of art, expression and things of beauty in our lives and in our world.

We become so fixated on creating ourselves as things of beauty and perfection that we forget the real reason that art and beauty exist in the world. They exist to allow us to explore our emotions, to allow humans a way to express their natural creative urges, to challenge and extend ourselves, to surround ourselves with aesthetically pleasing and/or unique and stimulating objects and environs.

Art is a uniquely human act and fulfills a uniquely human need.

Art exists for arts sake. Art exists because it MAKES US FEEL GOOD.

Having beautiful things, or eating delicious food, or enjoying beautiful music are not necessary for survival, but they too exist to make us FEEL good.

Does our eating disorder really serve any of those purposes?

Life should not hurt so much. Bringing good things to ourselves is not selfish, it is not gluttonous, it is a powerful and smart way to live your life.

I wish everyone a beautiful day today.
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"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."
--Pablo Picasso

The twelfth step

The 12th step in EDA- is to carry the message to others.

Apparently they will come... my advertising so far has been successful, in less than 24 hours I have requests for information coming.

I am so thrilled and happy and excited to be giving back and spreading a message of recovery. If only TWO people come to the first meeting, that will be AWESOME.

We are part of a greater universe than the microcosm of our little minds. We must always strive to be a part of that greater universe.

no longer treading water

I wrote this two years ago:

Treading Water

I’m nine
The evening sun is sinking over the lake
Pleasure boats head home and give up the water to the evening fishermen
“Amy!” calls Grandma from the house
“It’s time to come in”

The blue black water laps around me
Peddling and pushing my scrawny arms and legs,
Keeping the water moving,
Keeping me still amongst the currents
The waves splash around my neck and chin
Spitting out the water
Breathing in
Breathing out
Keeping my limbs moving

Instinctively in training
For what would be my life

Every girl should learn this skill
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I am no longer treading water. I am definitely moving through the water now. The meetings are scheduled and have been advertised. If you build it they will come?

I am proud of myself today.

Yeah, I did, I kicked that pizza's butt!

Two (COUNT THEM TWO) slices of pizza last night AND a glass of regular soda!!!

And didn't stress about it, and it EVEN FELT good later...

That is a first for me!!!

I am totally retaining this morning DO NOT EVEN CARE

Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hoo! Yeah, I kicked that pizza's butt!!!

Miss America

No matter what you call it, no matter what you do to change your image... it's still a friggin beauty contest. You are still parading skinny women across the stage with plastic smiles competing for a prize based on external (YES IT IS EXTERNAL) qualities. I don't see any big and busty girls with phd's up there! I sure as hell don't see any quadriplegics running philanthropic organizations!

I HATE beauty pageants. There is something wrong in a world that has these.

and Yeah, yeah, I know, usually they have a talent, or something going on... so let's just call it a Beauty and I'm not A COMPLETE idiot- pageant.................


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(ooooh, look at amy learning how to express anger...)
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ok-- analysis

Why am I so upset?

Because I don't want a world where my little girl has to continue to see this image of the "total" package as being so important. The perfect woman. So many of us try so hard day in and day out to be this "perfect woman", and in reality, just getting through the day, being good people, and not totally screwing something up is what we should be doing. NOT worrying if our ass is too big, if our hair is out of place, or if our pasties are slipping off.

This is MY Little Miss America!!!!

We must save the potatoes!

So, I'm fairly sure only ED sufferers have dreams like these...

Last night I dreamed that my family-- which in my dream consisted of my brother, my grandfather and my grandmother and myself, had carefully cultivated a few crops of HIGHLY special potatoes. Now you MUST MUST understand these were UNIQUE AND SPECIAL. And from what I understood, their taste was OUT OF THIS WORLD. However, I only took that from what I was told because I had never been allowed to taste any of them because they were much much too valuable for the family to actually consume. There were french bread potatoes, apple cinnamon potatoes, pure butter potatoes, macaroni and cheese potatoes, and some kind of marinated wine potato. Now, in my dream a horrible natural disaster was coming involving a deluge and all the crops were in danger and we were scrambling to save even a few of our precious potatoes, but still we were forbidden to taste or eat the potatoes. But we were lugging around bags of potatoes. All the while spilling them along roadsides. Our bags eventually became small boxes, then plates then handfuls, as we kept tripping and spilling out potatoes, but STILL we were forbidden to sample the precious potatoes.

Like I said, I'm FAIRLY sure other people don't have dreams like these.

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Such an irony to live a life obsessed with food, yet never be able to enjoy it