An analogy lately has been in my mind and it has been puzzling me (as a writer) as to the best way to get it onto paper.
There was an old movie, most likely based on a book I suppose, that I remember seeing as a child, The Portrait of Dorian Gray.
The story has all the classic elements of a "selling your soul to the devil" story. The tragic lead character makes an exchange with the devil for something they desire and in doing so, in reality suffers some tragic -ironic- outcome.
In this particular tale, Dorian sells his soul to the devil for eternal youth and beauty but in exchange is given a portrait of himself how he really truly is. And it not only represents his true aging processes, but his true moral character over time. Dorian over time, will peek at the portrait, as it becomes a gradually more horrifying representation of himself. And even though his outward manifestation of beauty and appearance to the world is unchanged, his own fixation with what is happening with the portrait- thus his internal self- will cause him eternal suffering. Yet he is not mature enough himself to truly understand the paradox within which he is caught.
For me at least, over the years, I have found myself quite aware of that portrait of Amy that others are not aware of. I did indeed attempt to sell myself to the Demon Ed for some concept of eternal youth and beauty. However in doing so in reality I destroyed my internal self in two very real ways- psychologically and in an extremely real physical sense. I would be ashamed to admit the very real consequences to my internal organs and health due to the horrible things I have done to my body over the years, many of which are embarrassing. I have a sense that my external body has the appearance of a 35 year old, but I feel as though I am carrying around 70 year old organs at times. And my portrait would indeed capture that (yes I am a fan of Frida Kahlo's works..... see the connection...)
More significantly though perhaps is the psychological element that would have to be incorporated into my picture. While we suffer from self-loathing and a form of self-punitive mental processes that others are at times aware of, it is evident to me now from my interactions that nobody REALLY understands the depths to which these self hating thoughts are truly nightmarish and horrible at times. To look inside our minds at the times when we are cruelest to ourselves would be utterly painful to the "normal" outsider. This twisted and at times vitriolic load of black bile that only we can pour upon ourselves is also one of the HARDEST things to stop. (Another apropo analogy would be Hieronymus Bosch- yes another favorite artist of mine.)
The irony is that we are so careful to portray for the world only the brightest and shiniest parts of our personality, that few people are really aware of the dark suffering we carry. In fact, I remember showing my husband photos of my on-line recovery friends and him saying, "I just don't understand it, you are all so pretty" But that is precisely it. We are- we are all so fixated on our outside appearances, that regardless of our weight or genetics, yes, we are pretty. Pretty, gentle, sweet, kind women. Experts in grooming, appearances and demeanor. All of us.
In order to recover-- the outside has to begin to match the inside... the inner health both physically and psychologically must have a chance to heal.
And while this is a rather intense post and I have put off talking about it-- I will end on this note-- my Portrait of Amy-- is so much nicer than it used to be---I am healing psychologically and physically, and it just FEEELS so good.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The difference now between myself and food
So a thought occured to me...
The big difference now between myself and food is that i no longer really fear it. I understand now that it is not the food that is to blame, or is the problem ever, it is what I do with food, or rather what i perceive the food does. And that is good, because anytime you fear something, it has power over you.
Where I still struggle is that I do not really LIKE food still. Food and I still sort of eye each other with a little disdain. I still resent that it has caused me so much pain in my life, I still do not enjoy most flavors, most dishes, cooking is a process I do not relish. I do not like being full, I do not like sensations of eating, or hunger, or satiation. I do not like food aromas. i do not want to share meals with people, or go to restaurants really (just drinks, coffee, or tea, please). To me, the whole food and eating thing is just this giant pain in the butt that i pretty much associate massive trauma with.
So, I am definitely pleased the balance of power has decidedly shifted and I am the one that has the power. (or rather I KNOW I have the power again because I had that power all along- wearing my little ruby slippers through the land of ED OZ). While it no longer has power over me, power of misery, power of mind control, power of desperation, food and I, we're really not best of friends yet.
But, i'll keep working on it.
Because-- that's what I do! I'm a work in progress.
The big difference now between myself and food is that i no longer really fear it. I understand now that it is not the food that is to blame, or is the problem ever, it is what I do with food, or rather what i perceive the food does. And that is good, because anytime you fear something, it has power over you.
Where I still struggle is that I do not really LIKE food still. Food and I still sort of eye each other with a little disdain. I still resent that it has caused me so much pain in my life, I still do not enjoy most flavors, most dishes, cooking is a process I do not relish. I do not like being full, I do not like sensations of eating, or hunger, or satiation. I do not like food aromas. i do not want to share meals with people, or go to restaurants really (just drinks, coffee, or tea, please). To me, the whole food and eating thing is just this giant pain in the butt that i pretty much associate massive trauma with.
So, I am definitely pleased the balance of power has decidedly shifted and I am the one that has the power. (or rather I KNOW I have the power again because I had that power all along- wearing my little ruby slippers through the land of ED OZ). While it no longer has power over me, power of misery, power of mind control, power of desperation, food and I, we're really not best of friends yet.
But, i'll keep working on it.
Because-- that's what I do! I'm a work in progress.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Taking stock
I really was thinking today how it is so important at this time in my life, in order to remain positive, for me to continue to focus on my growth and the progress I have made in my life. So, I am taking some time tonight to take stock of how far I have come.
Three years ago:
I could not walk a mile without pain or losing my breath
I could not climb a hill
I was often so tired I could not get through a day without a nap and found working 8 hour days impossible
I took Aleve 5 times a week for pain
I suffered far greater depression and anxiety
I had three cavities (making six in 5 years)
And, I was purging at least once daily, abusing laxatives and diuretics
Two years ago:
I had just started the most intensive therapy yet and was just beginning to make vital connections to my past and my present
I was still unable to eat 75% of the foods normal people would not fear
But, I could walk miles again without pain! BUT- this enabled me unfortunately to become an overexerciser and controlling eater again
HOWEVER- I was mentally committed to a life without purging
I was able to say- NO MORE, I shall do this NO MORE
I found my online friends and a new way of connecting to the world and healing
One year ago:
I began to come out to family and friends
I began writing my story
I began recognizing triggers in my everyday life and developed the ability to talk and actively think about them and address them
Maybe it's a long journey, but it is a journey of hope, and a journey worth taking. Good luck my friends, stay strong and stay on the path!
Three years ago:
I could not walk a mile without pain or losing my breath
I could not climb a hill
I was often so tired I could not get through a day without a nap and found working 8 hour days impossible
I took Aleve 5 times a week for pain
I suffered far greater depression and anxiety
I had three cavities (making six in 5 years)
And, I was purging at least once daily, abusing laxatives and diuretics
Two years ago:
I had just started the most intensive therapy yet and was just beginning to make vital connections to my past and my present
I was still unable to eat 75% of the foods normal people would not fear
But, I could walk miles again without pain! BUT- this enabled me unfortunately to become an overexerciser and controlling eater again
HOWEVER- I was mentally committed to a life without purging
I was able to say- NO MORE, I shall do this NO MORE
I found my online friends and a new way of connecting to the world and healing
One year ago:
I began to come out to family and friends
I began writing my story
I began recognizing triggers in my everyday life and developed the ability to talk and actively think about them and address them
Maybe it's a long journey, but it is a journey of hope, and a journey worth taking. Good luck my friends, stay strong and stay on the path!
How does it feel to be textbook?
I was looking for more links to put on my blog and I found this:
Causes of Eating Disorders:
http://www.anred.com/causes.html
The degree to which my own story, symptoms and experiences have been so textbook is always something I have such mixed emotions about. Everyone always likes to think that their story is a little different, a little bit of an exception to the rule, that they don't quite meet every criteria, or they aren't "as bad off" as everyone else.
But-- this morning I am going to respond with this- ok, what do I do with those feelings? What do I do about it?
I use that knowledge I have, I use the fact that I am textbook, that I am a "classic" example- to help change the world. I understand almost all aspects of the disorder, and I can use that understanding somehow, to help other women.
Causes of Eating Disorders:
http://www.anred.com/causes.html
The degree to which my own story, symptoms and experiences have been so textbook is always something I have such mixed emotions about. Everyone always likes to think that their story is a little different, a little bit of an exception to the rule, that they don't quite meet every criteria, or they aren't "as bad off" as everyone else.
But-- this morning I am going to respond with this- ok, what do I do with those feelings? What do I do about it?
I use that knowledge I have, I use the fact that I am textbook, that I am a "classic" example- to help change the world. I understand almost all aspects of the disorder, and I can use that understanding somehow, to help other women.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
All about you....
One of the greatest things I needed to learn and remember and consistently reinforce for myself and my ED recovery friends, was that becoming a recoverer, meant being able to make things all about me sometimes.
And sometimes, that means making your recovery your number one priority in your life, keeping your commitment to yourself to keep yourself healthy and safe above all other commitments or passions in your life.
We are the kind of people that want so much to please others, it is indeed the very nature of our disorder. Yet, in order to recover we have to simply take the time, NO rather, we simply have to GIVE ourselves the time and resources and permission to be self-focused in this way, in order to make it happen.
Recovery is about you
your health
your strength
your life
You
And sometimes, that means making your recovery your number one priority in your life, keeping your commitment to yourself to keep yourself healthy and safe above all other commitments or passions in your life.
We are the kind of people that want so much to please others, it is indeed the very nature of our disorder. Yet, in order to recover we have to simply take the time, NO rather, we simply have to GIVE ourselves the time and resources and permission to be self-focused in this way, in order to make it happen.
Recovery is about you
your health
your strength
your life
You
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I went to the river today
And as I watched the deep waters running to the ocean,
it occurred to me how much of our fight, is about something
as simple
as water.
In reality, a great deal of the "fat" that we fight, and the excessive battle with bloating, and rebound weight, is little more than water weight. And the precious balance of liquids in our bodies, be it through anorexic or purging means, is something we dangerously throw off. A difference in size, or weight, or perceived "bulginess" that only we are capable of perceiving, sometimes as little as a pound or two, can create a psychological breakdown.
Water.
I could have died so many times because of water.
Yet women and children in Africa
today, as I write, walk miles, risking their lives
for clean water,
or not so clean water
risking attack by militia, rape, kidnapping,
lions
and food poisoning/disease by drinking the water they bring home.
And yet I would fight for years, to deny by bodies cells
absorption of this resource essential to life
which I have in bounteous resource.
DRINK UP
it occurred to me how much of our fight, is about something
as simple
as water.
In reality, a great deal of the "fat" that we fight, and the excessive battle with bloating, and rebound weight, is little more than water weight. And the precious balance of liquids in our bodies, be it through anorexic or purging means, is something we dangerously throw off. A difference in size, or weight, or perceived "bulginess" that only we are capable of perceiving, sometimes as little as a pound or two, can create a psychological breakdown.
Water.
I could have died so many times because of water.
Yet women and children in Africa
today, as I write, walk miles, risking their lives
for clean water,
or not so clean water
risking attack by militia, rape, kidnapping,
lions
and food poisoning/disease by drinking the water they bring home.
And yet I would fight for years, to deny by bodies cells
absorption of this resource essential to life
which I have in bounteous resource.
DRINK UP
Sunday, October 26, 2008
On being women
More and more lately, I've been struck by my experiences and some of the experiences of my close female friends. And what it means to be a woman.
One good friend is recovering from breast cancer. She referred to herself as "deformed" and shared with me the pain and discomfort caused by the radiation. Breasts- the thing that allow us to feed our babies yet cause so many women such pain and even, cause mortality, later in life. She is a beautiful strong woman, and in my non-religious way, she is in my athiest prayers every day.
Another friend, has been a single mother for many years now, and has a daughter who was physically abused by her father and then was sexually abused by school mates. This little girl and her mother have worked so much, both of them to simply survive and become stronger under these circumstances. My friend has made her "motherhood" her primary goal in life.
And the last friend that I will mention, recently suffered a miscarriage and the death of her father in the same month. And I know she is sad and confused by both, perhaps in shock by both.
Our bodies are in ways our strength, our ability to give life in a way that bonds us to our children and to love our children in a way that is unique. I do not wish to discount the bond that fathers can have. Yet there is still something different about women and mothers. And our very bodies are that which women with eating disorders wish to distance themselves most from. My own body, my own marks of motherhood in fact have been the very things which have caused me the greatest pain and suffering for a very long time.
Yet, I love my children with a love that can have no name, no limit, no end. I love being a mother in a way that fulfills me. It was my lifes goal to be a mother, and to indeed have three children.
Even if one did not give birth or choose to have children, the fact that our bodies are the life force that is meant to be soft and viable is often very contradictory to the vision in women's minds who have eating disorders. We fight the curves, the natural suppleness, the normal layer of fat that is meant to protect a woman's body. All of the things that make us special- and different from men. But not only the literal aspects of our femininity but also our less tangible aspects of our feminity defy us sometimes. We struggle with our emotions. We struggle with expressing need, vulnerability. We attempt to portray perfection through strength, through unbroken glass demeanors and perfect smiles. Through barbie doll expressions. And yet, there is an aspect of being a woman, that will eventually betray us as well, because like it or not, we do feel in a way that is different than being a man, we do feel our emotions in a way that those of us with eating disorders sometimes can not bear to admit. Any feelings that we can not control, sadness, fear, anger, we attempt to contain and hide from ourselves and the world. We attempt to neuter ourselves daily in this way as well.
Soft- yet strong--- there are ways to be both-- and for all my sisters out there.... we will continue to grow and love ourselves and (our children -and future children).
One good friend is recovering from breast cancer. She referred to herself as "deformed" and shared with me the pain and discomfort caused by the radiation. Breasts- the thing that allow us to feed our babies yet cause so many women such pain and even, cause mortality, later in life. She is a beautiful strong woman, and in my non-religious way, she is in my athiest prayers every day.
Another friend, has been a single mother for many years now, and has a daughter who was physically abused by her father and then was sexually abused by school mates. This little girl and her mother have worked so much, both of them to simply survive and become stronger under these circumstances. My friend has made her "motherhood" her primary goal in life.
And the last friend that I will mention, recently suffered a miscarriage and the death of her father in the same month. And I know she is sad and confused by both, perhaps in shock by both.
Our bodies are in ways our strength, our ability to give life in a way that bonds us to our children and to love our children in a way that is unique. I do not wish to discount the bond that fathers can have. Yet there is still something different about women and mothers. And our very bodies are that which women with eating disorders wish to distance themselves most from. My own body, my own marks of motherhood in fact have been the very things which have caused me the greatest pain and suffering for a very long time.
Yet, I love my children with a love that can have no name, no limit, no end. I love being a mother in a way that fulfills me. It was my lifes goal to be a mother, and to indeed have three children.
Even if one did not give birth or choose to have children, the fact that our bodies are the life force that is meant to be soft and viable is often very contradictory to the vision in women's minds who have eating disorders. We fight the curves, the natural suppleness, the normal layer of fat that is meant to protect a woman's body. All of the things that make us special- and different from men. But not only the literal aspects of our femininity but also our less tangible aspects of our feminity defy us sometimes. We struggle with our emotions. We struggle with expressing need, vulnerability. We attempt to portray perfection through strength, through unbroken glass demeanors and perfect smiles. Through barbie doll expressions. And yet, there is an aspect of being a woman, that will eventually betray us as well, because like it or not, we do feel in a way that is different than being a man, we do feel our emotions in a way that those of us with eating disorders sometimes can not bear to admit. Any feelings that we can not control, sadness, fear, anger, we attempt to contain and hide from ourselves and the world. We attempt to neuter ourselves daily in this way as well.
Soft- yet strong--- there are ways to be both-- and for all my sisters out there.... we will continue to grow and love ourselves and (our children -and future children).
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