Lately, I've chosen happiness, and life, and joy more and more. I've chosen things to be a part of that are Ed free and when triggers come up or reminders of my disordered past come up, I have chosen to not let them hold me down, but I have been able to say, it's ok; Today I am healthy and that is a part of the past.
Because there is so much more to life than the eating disorder, or being a person with the eating disorder. Sometimes we struggle so much, and it's so much a part of us, that we allow the very process of recovery to consume us and even those around us.
Part of walking away healthy and free from this disorder is being able to celebrate life and enjoy it and CONSUME IT...
I am CONSUMING life...without the snares and traps of Ed right now.
And it is beautiful.
But becoming very strong and very aware of triggers and your patterns and being able to take your own internal "recovery temperature" is necessary I think before you can do this. I think you have to be vigillant and cautious and over-aware for years and years before you can feel what I am feeling right now.
But what I am feeling right now is delicious and I hope an inspiration for others.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Playmates and playgrounds
Recovery (and indeed life) is about choices.
Choices about the actions we take every day. Actions to be healthy, actions to be wise, to be mindful, to be cautious.
One of the critical choices we have to make is the people we are with and the places (or situations) we place ourselves in. We are not passive in this. These places and people do not fall out of the sky upon us, we walk into these situations and we can just as easily walk out of them.
A major risk factor in relapse literature is the people and situations we interact with. They do not intentionally wish to sabotage us, but other people who are not healthy, who engage in behaviors who push us in directions that cause us to relapse, or who are from unhealthy places in our past- represent unsafe circles that we must interact with with extreme caution.
Similarly, food is everywhere and there are places where food is consumed in ways we can not deal as well with. I have come to accept that at times in my life, I am not as strong and the voices are louder. There are times when I have to walk away from these situations where food is around me and literally hurting me. And that's ok. Because feeling safe and feeling good inside is ultimately my most important goal.
It IS ok to make happiness and sanity and well being the most important thing in your life... it is OK to make it all about you.
Choices about the actions we take every day. Actions to be healthy, actions to be wise, to be mindful, to be cautious.
One of the critical choices we have to make is the people we are with and the places (or situations) we place ourselves in. We are not passive in this. These places and people do not fall out of the sky upon us, we walk into these situations and we can just as easily walk out of them.
A major risk factor in relapse literature is the people and situations we interact with. They do not intentionally wish to sabotage us, but other people who are not healthy, who engage in behaviors who push us in directions that cause us to relapse, or who are from unhealthy places in our past- represent unsafe circles that we must interact with with extreme caution.
Similarly, food is everywhere and there are places where food is consumed in ways we can not deal as well with. I have come to accept that at times in my life, I am not as strong and the voices are louder. There are times when I have to walk away from these situations where food is around me and literally hurting me. And that's ok. Because feeling safe and feeling good inside is ultimately my most important goal.
It IS ok to make happiness and sanity and well being the most important thing in your life... it is OK to make it all about you.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Still with you, just breathing
My friends, I am taking a little time to simply breathe in life for a while and enjoy some of the beauty around me. I am hungry for wisdom, poetry, songs and more answers as always. But I have found I need to recharge my brain. The blog may be silent while I take this brief sebatical.
Love to all,
Amy
Love to all,
Amy
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My BIG question
In answer to my question... the one that I started my blog with...
Yes Amy,
I think once you are an eating disordered person, you are always an eating disordered person.
That does not mean you can't be happy and healthy though.
It just means, you will always have to be careful, watch for triggers, and remember that this vulnerability exists inside of you.
The past few weeks have seen a few challenges arise for me. I did well, but it reminded me that this monster lives inside of me. That it can occupy a lot of my mental time and energy fighting it to stay well. It reminded me that the things that kept me healthy at the beginning of recovery, still keep me healthy TODAY.
We must always keep up the good fight, no matter how recovered we think we are.
That's just part of who we are.
Yes Amy,
I think once you are an eating disordered person, you are always an eating disordered person.
That does not mean you can't be happy and healthy though.
It just means, you will always have to be careful, watch for triggers, and remember that this vulnerability exists inside of you.
The past few weeks have seen a few challenges arise for me. I did well, but it reminded me that this monster lives inside of me. That it can occupy a lot of my mental time and energy fighting it to stay well. It reminded me that the things that kept me healthy at the beginning of recovery, still keep me healthy TODAY.
We must always keep up the good fight, no matter how recovered we think we are.
That's just part of who we are.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Recovery is a stretch
I think so many times, how far recovery has caused me to stretch and to grow... and "become".
It is not a coincidence that for many of us WHO HAVE recovered the quote "And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom" resonates deeply within us.
Because we remember that suffering was great and was a daily risk that we took with our bodies, but that staying there was a kind of safety zone, because it did not requiring risking being honest with our selves and others. It did not require us to challenge firmly held (irrational but still believed) beliefs. And it allowed us to live in quiet holes sheltered from certain pains and outside influences. Our eating disorder was our protector somehow from the outside world. And we remember that day when we said- "enough". The risk staying here, is greater than the risk of moving out of here.
But the stretch it takes to recover, to "become real" is so great, and it is so much work. I am so proud of my friends who keep fighting, who keep growing. I see how much time it takes to make the whole trip, to peel off the layers of the ED, to keep plunging deep inside yourself to face the fears you pretend aren't there and to liberate your true self, to keep developing the parts of yourself that are immature and undeveloped. And I am proud. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.
And we can never stop stretching.
It is not a coincidence that for many of us WHO HAVE recovered the quote "And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom" resonates deeply within us.
Because we remember that suffering was great and was a daily risk that we took with our bodies, but that staying there was a kind of safety zone, because it did not requiring risking being honest with our selves and others. It did not require us to challenge firmly held (irrational but still believed) beliefs. And it allowed us to live in quiet holes sheltered from certain pains and outside influences. Our eating disorder was our protector somehow from the outside world. And we remember that day when we said- "enough". The risk staying here, is greater than the risk of moving out of here.
But the stretch it takes to recover, to "become real" is so great, and it is so much work. I am so proud of my friends who keep fighting, who keep growing. I see how much time it takes to make the whole trip, to peel off the layers of the ED, to keep plunging deep inside yourself to face the fears you pretend aren't there and to liberate your true self, to keep developing the parts of yourself that are immature and undeveloped. And I am proud. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.
And we can never stop stretching.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Being real
A number of moments and things said to me this week have reminded me of the importance and challenges of being real. Of the importance of constantly seeking that authenticity within ourselves and the activities and people around us. It is so easy to slip into scripts and storylines in an effort to escape our realities; to create more exciting realities; to deny parts of ourselves that we fear are not pleasing to others but are still essential parts of ourselves; or perhaps we perceive as flaws but in reality are just part of our unique makeup.
I remember so many times in my past, feeling like Pinocchio when I would have these golden moments, when all of a sudden looking at my child, or finally feeling as though I was connecting with the person I was struggling most with in my life, or looking at myself in the mirror and having a deep realization and being "present" and thinking- wow- this is REAL and this is GOOD.
And I remember wondering over and over-- who am I? who am I really? And I no longer wonder that anymore. And that is the greatest feeling. To know exactly who I am.
And all your senses are alive, and perhaps you are naked and vulnerable to the world, BUT you are feeling and seeing everything. And maybe others can see and feel you too. And you connect. And you suddenly know where you stand.
But it's only in living in those times, that you can find and in essence allow true joy in your life. And it takes practice and discipline to live in your true reality. Stripped of alter egos, and falsitudes, and saying to the world, this is me, accept me as I am. And not letting people who don't accept you as you are stay close enough to judge you or hurt you. And not playing in playgrounds that create false idols or playing with substances that encourage you to put on false faces.
But truly, it does take strength and courage to be yourself. Especially if perhaps your past is one where you were not accept for who you really were. So learning how to do it, is a learning curve like everything else. It is all just part of our neverending journey!
Peace,
Amy
-----------------------
I remember so many times in my past, feeling like Pinocchio when I would have these golden moments, when all of a sudden looking at my child, or finally feeling as though I was connecting with the person I was struggling most with in my life, or looking at myself in the mirror and having a deep realization and being "present" and thinking- wow- this is REAL and this is GOOD.
And I remember wondering over and over-- who am I? who am I really? And I no longer wonder that anymore. And that is the greatest feeling. To know exactly who I am.
And all your senses are alive, and perhaps you are naked and vulnerable to the world, BUT you are feeling and seeing everything. And maybe others can see and feel you too. And you connect. And you suddenly know where you stand.
But it's only in living in those times, that you can find and in essence allow true joy in your life. And it takes practice and discipline to live in your true reality. Stripped of alter egos, and falsitudes, and saying to the world, this is me, accept me as I am. And not letting people who don't accept you as you are stay close enough to judge you or hurt you. And not playing in playgrounds that create false idols or playing with substances that encourage you to put on false faces.
But truly, it does take strength and courage to be yourself. Especially if perhaps your past is one where you were not accept for who you really were. So learning how to do it, is a learning curve like everything else. It is all just part of our neverending journey!
Peace,
Amy
-----------------------
"No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one."
- Hawthorne
"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway."
- Mother Theresa
"No legacy is so rich as honesty."
- Shakespeare
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
For Michelle
Many years ago, I lost someone close to me under terrible circumstances. We had been close friends for a very long time. She was a beautiful special person. She was someplace she should not have been and nobody, including myself, told her not to be there. We had parted two months prior under less than ideal terms before her death. I was young and overwhelmed with my life. I thought I could always come back and “fix things up” between her and I. Life never gave me that chance.
This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?
As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.
But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.
We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.
For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993
This year, for a variety of reasons, she has been on my mind more as the anniversary of her death approached. Every year in fact her birthday and the day of her death haunt me a little. On her birthday, I think of the milestones in my own life that she was denied because of someone else’s horrible act: college graduation, marriage, children. I wonder how he had the right to take that from her and her family. The anniversary of her death every year just brings sickening sadness. It is then that I wonder how he had the right to do the things that he did to her. How did he have the right to take something so beautiful and special from this world?
As ED sufferers, we often try to fix things and make things right and make things perfect. It is in our nature. To go back and evaluate, and look for the thing we missed that could have changed the course of events.
But what life has come to teach me, is that some things we can not fix, or change, or undo. And sometimes there is no hidden lesson or meaning. Sometimes there is nothing of value to take away from something. Sometimes, there is only the loss or the pain or the confusion or the grief. And, that is indeed part of being human. Again I am reminded that being human not only is messy, it can be like maneuvering through landmines. It means watching the cycle of life and uncontrollable events, taking risks every time you love someone else (as you might get hurt and lose them), and it means seeing others you love go through their own pain and life experiences sometimes unable to do anything other than watch.
We have to keep living in memory of those who are not with us, because that is what they would truly want us to do. Michelle gave me things during the time I knew her that I am still grateful for. She gave me love and happiness in a life that often was in short supply of that. I can not change how long she lived, or how she died. But I can always be grateful for the gift of having known her.
For Michelle R. Davis
My brilliant sweet friend with the green kitten eyes, beautiful smile, and sparkling Texas accent
You are in my heart forever
February 24 1974- July 22 1993
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