Several years ago, I was challenged to no longer plan my life, but to simply live my life. While this advice comes to us in many forms (live one day at a time, live in the moment) it is one those axioms that is easier said than done. Again one is faced with the question- How?
As I began this new way of facing each day, it became apparent that each day we are presented with multiple paths to choose from. It is the paths we choose each day, that lead us along to safety and happiness.
Some paths are in the sunlight, and have positive things for us lining the path.
Other paths lead to old coping skills, risk factors and darknesses.
We get to make these choices every day. Learning to recognize the difference between these paths, and when we are about to step on one, requires paying attention to where we are going, and remembering where we have been.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
the other side
I know I have written about this before...
perhaps it is a reminder for myself, to be strong and keep going
perhaps it is a reminder for you
but the other side is beautiful
being strong is beautiful
speaking in your own voice is amazing
living your life the way it is meant to be is powerful
accepting your body the way it is supposed to be is freedom
eating food with calmness and comfort is wonderful
the other side is beautiful
come and join the recovered.....
keep on focusing on yourself, your recovery goals, keep reminding yourself that recovery matters, perhaps even above other things, even if other people don't understand
Because a life with an eating disorder
is no kind of a life
perhaps it is a reminder for myself, to be strong and keep going
perhaps it is a reminder for you
but the other side is beautiful
being strong is beautiful
speaking in your own voice is amazing
living your life the way it is meant to be is powerful
accepting your body the way it is supposed to be is freedom
eating food with calmness and comfort is wonderful
the other side is beautiful
come and join the recovered.....
keep on focusing on yourself, your recovery goals, keep reminding yourself that recovery matters, perhaps even above other things, even if other people don't understand
Because a life with an eating disorder
is no kind of a life
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This is going to brief...
but just a reminder to all my friends.
You have a right to say no, to create walls, to create barriers to the things that hurt you.
You have to be able to identify those things, those spaces, those people. And then it's your life and you HAVE the right to say... NO. I will not accept this kind of pain in my life.
but just a reminder to all my friends.
You have a right to say no, to create walls, to create barriers to the things that hurt you.
You have to be able to identify those things, those spaces, those people. And then it's your life and you HAVE the right to say... NO. I will not accept this kind of pain in my life.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Grace
I was challenged this week to give myself grace.
I will admit, as part of my nature, and my standards for myself this is a concept that not only is foreign to me, but one I shrug off as perhaps counterproductive in reaching my goals.
-Grace-
What is it?
"a disposition to kindness and compassion"
"favor or good will"
"mercy, pardon, clemency"
.....................................................................
In my ever expanding search and desire to become stronger, smarter, wiser, it is hard for me to stop, to breathe, to slow down. It is hard for me to accept my frailities, my weaknesses and my gaps in my development too. I was challenged two weeks ago by the question:
"why do you think you are impervious to harm?"
Yet I did not fully understand this question or this insight.
..................................................................
I was conducting a year end focus group of my program last night. While I listened to the participants post mortem of their experience, I knew that many of their criticisms were indeed issues that were things within my control and that had been problems because of my own limitations this year. Things I had been unable to "get together". I began to feel increasingly bad about my performance and how it had impacted them.
But then I remembered, the many intense stressors I have endured in the past 6 months. Many of which I have yet to perhaps allow myself to rest and fully recover from- some of which the very same day I was still dealing with. And I remembered, yes, I was not impervious to harm. My work had suffered from these events, as it should have. I was allowed this.
And,
I gave myself grace.
......................................................
In our daily lives, I think many of us are quite brutal to ourselves in our expectations of what we should be able to do and survive. Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest, to feel, to hurt when we need to. Many of us do not allow ourselves to be human. And as I have said before, being human is messy business.
In what ways do you not see your own humanity? If you were to give yourself grace today, what would it look like?
Thank you my dear friends, for pointing out my weaknesses as I continue along my very humbling journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A
I will admit, as part of my nature, and my standards for myself this is a concept that not only is foreign to me, but one I shrug off as perhaps counterproductive in reaching my goals.
-Grace-
What is it?
"a disposition to kindness and compassion"
"favor or good will"
"mercy, pardon, clemency"
.....................................................................
In my ever expanding search and desire to become stronger, smarter, wiser, it is hard for me to stop, to breathe, to slow down. It is hard for me to accept my frailities, my weaknesses and my gaps in my development too. I was challenged two weeks ago by the question:
"why do you think you are impervious to harm?"
Yet I did not fully understand this question or this insight.
..................................................................
I was conducting a year end focus group of my program last night. While I listened to the participants post mortem of their experience, I knew that many of their criticisms were indeed issues that were things within my control and that had been problems because of my own limitations this year. Things I had been unable to "get together". I began to feel increasingly bad about my performance and how it had impacted them.
But then I remembered, the many intense stressors I have endured in the past 6 months. Many of which I have yet to perhaps allow myself to rest and fully recover from- some of which the very same day I was still dealing with. And I remembered, yes, I was not impervious to harm. My work had suffered from these events, as it should have. I was allowed this.
And,
I gave myself grace.
......................................................
In our daily lives, I think many of us are quite brutal to ourselves in our expectations of what we should be able to do and survive. Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest, to feel, to hurt when we need to. Many of us do not allow ourselves to be human. And as I have said before, being human is messy business.
In what ways do you not see your own humanity? If you were to give yourself grace today, what would it look like?
Thank you my dear friends, for pointing out my weaknesses as I continue along my very humbling journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVxzEueJ6A
Friday, July 3, 2009
My Manifesto
Why am I doing this and what do I hope to accomplish?
I have been trying to write this for a while. Three years ago, I decided when I was strong enough- when I was "there" (some vaque indefinable quality of readiness)- I would take a stand and help others and set myself on a road towards becoming an advocate in the area of eating disorders. I knew I had to in order to make meaning of the lifetime I had suffered at the hands of Ed. I knew that it had to be something that I would stand by, with my own pride and dignity in order to make a difference in the world, to ease the suffering of others. I knew I had to in order to make a better world for my daughter and her peers. That is the why. It is simple. It is a bottom line.
What do I want?
I want to be a liason for the rest of the world. To help them see the suffering we go through. Not to torment them, but to humanize our cause. To give us respect, dignity, understanding and resources. I want them to understand we are not trying to disappoint them, not willingly doing this to ourselves, and not doing this to hurt others. But doing this because it is truly a horrible mental disorder that cripples millions of men and women who are senseless victims. And that we are in pain.
I want to use my experiences to reach out and help others. I hope through my battles and my perspectives I can help others. It is so hard to recover and there are so few that do and are willing to become public. I feel that as many that can become public should in order to inspire others. It is important for sufferers to know that there is a beautiful strong life after ED. They can only know that if those who have achieved it come forth as models of this.
I want to help create new models of support and recovery. There are critical gaps in the types available. There are critical issues in what are available. I would like to use my voice and my background to help change the direction and variety of what is provided in the future.
I want to become an advocate for prevention. Too many are attracted to eating disorders. More needs to be voiced about how horrible this life is. We need to change how girls (and boys) grow up thinking about their bodies and their personal power.
This is important to me, this is real. My voice was silenced for a very long time. I will not let voices real, or unreal dissuade me. It may take a lifetime. I may make a small dent, and that is ok. It does not matter the size of the dent. It will be my dent. And that's
Ok. Because it will be mine. Just like my body.
I have been trying to write this for a while. Three years ago, I decided when I was strong enough- when I was "there" (some vaque indefinable quality of readiness)- I would take a stand and help others and set myself on a road towards becoming an advocate in the area of eating disorders. I knew I had to in order to make meaning of the lifetime I had suffered at the hands of Ed. I knew that it had to be something that I would stand by, with my own pride and dignity in order to make a difference in the world, to ease the suffering of others. I knew I had to in order to make a better world for my daughter and her peers. That is the why. It is simple. It is a bottom line.
What do I want?
I want to be a liason for the rest of the world. To help them see the suffering we go through. Not to torment them, but to humanize our cause. To give us respect, dignity, understanding and resources. I want them to understand we are not trying to disappoint them, not willingly doing this to ourselves, and not doing this to hurt others. But doing this because it is truly a horrible mental disorder that cripples millions of men and women who are senseless victims. And that we are in pain.
I want to use my experiences to reach out and help others. I hope through my battles and my perspectives I can help others. It is so hard to recover and there are so few that do and are willing to become public. I feel that as many that can become public should in order to inspire others. It is important for sufferers to know that there is a beautiful strong life after ED. They can only know that if those who have achieved it come forth as models of this.
I want to help create new models of support and recovery. There are critical gaps in the types available. There are critical issues in what are available. I would like to use my voice and my background to help change the direction and variety of what is provided in the future.
I want to become an advocate for prevention. Too many are attracted to eating disorders. More needs to be voiced about how horrible this life is. We need to change how girls (and boys) grow up thinking about their bodies and their personal power.
This is important to me, this is real. My voice was silenced for a very long time. I will not let voices real, or unreal dissuade me. It may take a lifetime. I may make a small dent, and that is ok. It does not matter the size of the dent. It will be my dent. And that's
Ok. Because it will be mine. Just like my body.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It's not easy being green....
I always knew I was different. Growing up, I really did hate the muppet show, but I did love that song.
As ED sufferers, we are so similar to each other in our differences from the rest of the world. These differences wear on us sometimes. So please world, please be kind to us, please be patient with us, please give us the compassion and the dignity that we need. We are trying our very very best to be our best possible selves sharing your food planet with you.
We are very soft people with hard exteriors and strange circuitry.... we sense everything, but don't always feel everything, hear everything, or understand everything. Our cuing systems are "off". Things that are simple to you, are hard to us. Love, trust, self confidence, receiving compliments, truth...These concepts in the world around us confuse us. We will do odd things to protect ourselves. We often really don't know we are doing these things.
We live to please. Pleasing others is the only way that we know our value on this planet. It's the only way we can form our identities. Just look at the vast numbers of us who choose caring or performing professions where there is IMMEDIATE feedback in the form of helping or pleasing others.
We are secretly fearful people. We are ashamed of this. We hide our fearfulness through control mechanisms that are unique to each of us. Some but not all of them have to do with food. When you tap into our fears, we will act out against you, panic, or shut down.
We are highly impulsive. While we can be very intelligent, our impulsivity often makes us do "stupid things"... hence my favorite catch phrase of late.. BE NOT STUPID. It creates contradictions in how we sometimes act, our beliefs, our goals, and what you expect from us. It frustrates us as well. We live lives of regret and kicking ourselves the "day after" due to our impulsivity. It is an impediment to recovery and a frustration to those around us.
We feel very very alone with this disease. It separates us from you. We want to recover very badly and be like you. We just don't know how. We need to feel accepted and ok in your eyes. It is overwhelming and HUGE in our lives. It occupies more of our minds than others can possibly imagine. Getting better and getting free of the ED yoke and traps is harder than you can imagine too. From the outside you wonder why we can't walk away. You have no idea how it follows us and holds onto us.
----------------
We are not children. We are adults. If you treat us like children, you hurt us deeply. We do, however, need to be held accountable for our behavior. But our learning curve is slow. Nobody can learn it for us. We have to. Recovery is a long process and can require many supports of which there are not enough.
Tonight, I ask for those of you helping ED sufferers, loving ED sufferers, for patience and compassion and respect for us. We are..... who we are. We are different.
But please remember who we are that is greater and beyond the disease. We are much much more than the eating disorder. And help us to remember that too, because we forget that sometimes.
----------------
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me, and be my friend
-Albert Camus
As ED sufferers, we are so similar to each other in our differences from the rest of the world. These differences wear on us sometimes. So please world, please be kind to us, please be patient with us, please give us the compassion and the dignity that we need. We are trying our very very best to be our best possible selves sharing your food planet with you.
We are very soft people with hard exteriors and strange circuitry.... we sense everything, but don't always feel everything, hear everything, or understand everything. Our cuing systems are "off". Things that are simple to you, are hard to us. Love, trust, self confidence, receiving compliments, truth...These concepts in the world around us confuse us. We will do odd things to protect ourselves. We often really don't know we are doing these things.
We live to please. Pleasing others is the only way that we know our value on this planet. It's the only way we can form our identities. Just look at the vast numbers of us who choose caring or performing professions where there is IMMEDIATE feedback in the form of helping or pleasing others.
We are secretly fearful people. We are ashamed of this. We hide our fearfulness through control mechanisms that are unique to each of us. Some but not all of them have to do with food. When you tap into our fears, we will act out against you, panic, or shut down.
We are highly impulsive. While we can be very intelligent, our impulsivity often makes us do "stupid things"... hence my favorite catch phrase of late.. BE NOT STUPID. It creates contradictions in how we sometimes act, our beliefs, our goals, and what you expect from us. It frustrates us as well. We live lives of regret and kicking ourselves the "day after" due to our impulsivity. It is an impediment to recovery and a frustration to those around us.
We feel very very alone with this disease. It separates us from you. We want to recover very badly and be like you. We just don't know how. We need to feel accepted and ok in your eyes. It is overwhelming and HUGE in our lives. It occupies more of our minds than others can possibly imagine. Getting better and getting free of the ED yoke and traps is harder than you can imagine too. From the outside you wonder why we can't walk away. You have no idea how it follows us and holds onto us.
----------------
We are not children. We are adults. If you treat us like children, you hurt us deeply. We do, however, need to be held accountable for our behavior. But our learning curve is slow. Nobody can learn it for us. We have to. Recovery is a long process and can require many supports of which there are not enough.
Tonight, I ask for those of you helping ED sufferers, loving ED sufferers, for patience and compassion and respect for us. We are..... who we are. We are different.
But please remember who we are that is greater and beyond the disease. We are much much more than the eating disorder. And help us to remember that too, because we forget that sometimes.
----------------
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me, and be my friend
-Albert Camus
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Perfect
I will admit,
this word as yet escapes my lips too easily.
In reflecting on this... I still hold myself to such things as...
Perfect hair
Perfect demeanor
Perfect lecture
Perfect answers to any questions
Perfect house
Perfect smile
A perfect day without mistakes.
And as I grow and become Amy I accept that I am still a wild child, loose and free and rambling. So often stumbling and getting up. And clumsy and silly. And that I say things that are far from perfect, but are sometimes poetic or brilliant or helpful to others (or in fact utterly stupid or confusing). But, all in all, it doesn't matter. Because what matters, is that I am me. And I have fought hard in so many ways to be me, that who I am is non-negotiable now. I have protected myself from relationships that did not allow it. I have left jobs and employers that did not allow me to be me, and when I couldn't I learned how to put up mental blocks in those places. I have left Ed who cruelly discouraged me from being the real me.
It is time to ban this word from my vocabulary.
There is no such thing as perfect.....
and I don't want to be. I want REAL.
this word as yet escapes my lips too easily.
In reflecting on this... I still hold myself to such things as...
Perfect hair
Perfect demeanor
Perfect lecture
Perfect answers to any questions
Perfect house
Perfect smile
A perfect day without mistakes.
And as I grow and become Amy I accept that I am still a wild child, loose and free and rambling. So often stumbling and getting up. And clumsy and silly. And that I say things that are far from perfect, but are sometimes poetic or brilliant or helpful to others (or in fact utterly stupid or confusing). But, all in all, it doesn't matter. Because what matters, is that I am me. And I have fought hard in so many ways to be me, that who I am is non-negotiable now. I have protected myself from relationships that did not allow it. I have left jobs and employers that did not allow me to be me, and when I couldn't I learned how to put up mental blocks in those places. I have left Ed who cruelly discouraged me from being the real me.
It is time to ban this word from my vocabulary.
There is no such thing as perfect.....
and I don't want to be. I want REAL.
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