Thanks to a friend for sharing with me the definition of "fine"
Fine: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
So,
The next time someone ask you how you are, and you say you are fine... are you?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Because there is more to be grateful for than just peanut butter
Thank goodness for...
My children's beauty and strength and love and wisdom
and the smiles on my children's faces this morning
and that
I am still here to see them
The smell of lavendar and basil and thyme and roses in my garden
the dirt under my nails
the sweat on my body as I work the soil
my grandfather for teaching me to love the earth
and the wild beauties that come from it
My precious select friends that just seem get me
and allow me my space to be me
in patience and understanding
and continue to
and my ability to figure out who those friends were
For the 4 non blondes song on my shuffle
and the joy of music and the beat of life in my soul
for my voice and my ears and my heart
for paint, and paper, and glue and wood
and books and words
and the wonderful things that we can make from them!
for a life that seems to continually award
grace
and
do overs and new beginnings
-Thank goodness for life and the times I chose it, so I can be here now feeling this, writing this and knowing this--
My children's beauty and strength and love and wisdom
and the smiles on my children's faces this morning
and that
I am still here to see them
The smell of lavendar and basil and thyme and roses in my garden
the dirt under my nails
the sweat on my body as I work the soil
my grandfather for teaching me to love the earth
and the wild beauties that come from it
My precious select friends that just seem get me
and allow me my space to be me
in patience and understanding
and continue to
and my ability to figure out who those friends were
For the 4 non blondes song on my shuffle
and the joy of music and the beat of life in my soul
for my voice and my ears and my heart
for paint, and paper, and glue and wood
and books and words
and the wonderful things that we can make from them!
for a life that seems to continually award
grace
and
do overs and new beginnings
-Thank goodness for life and the times I chose it, so I can be here now feeling this, writing this and knowing this--
Friday, June 19, 2009
Accountability
I have said many times- that emotional honesty is the name of the game. We do not heal from this, overcome this, and become whole people until we learn to speak with honest voices and be true to ourselves always.
And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.
I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.
I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.
I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....
shhhh...................................
While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.
no more shushing ourselves, or others.
We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.
It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.
Hugs to my friends.
-------------------------------
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,
The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.
It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.
Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....
And one way that we must be true to ourselves is acknowledge the defeat and horrors of our disease.
I will admit-- It is sad and it is hard to watch this devastating illness hurt my friends. And I do remember the pain it caused me.
I am reminded of my personal rock bottom- and in honesty- I wish to share it with my friends. And I was not honest at that time. I was not honest about the damage it was doing to my life, to my family, to my body. But I am honest now. And it took a very long time.
I was living alone, with my children at that time ages 5, 4 and a newborn. And my oldest was sick. I had relapsed into exercise bulimia, anorexia and purging (because Amy never holds back- she does it all the way). And I remember lying in bed and my five year old crawling in bed with me. Mommy, I'm sick. My ear hurts. And I remember feeling his burning hot body next to mine. I remember being too weak, and my own head and ears being in too much pain and being too dizzy that I could not lift myself out of bed. I remember saying to him, honey, you'll be ok, just lie down next to me... shhhhh.......too weak to get up to provide him with anything... just shhh.... lie down... him crying... fussing... not understanding why mommy was doing nothing.....
shhhh...................................
While my closest friends may wonder why I choose this moment as my "rock bottom" instead of some others- but because of my passion as a mother- truly in my heart- nothing has ever felt like a blacker moment or more like a betrayal to my way of being because of my "other life" with Ed.
no more shushing ourselves, or others.
We must face ourselves, face the truth, face the consequences of our actions. Learning to be responsible for our actions is part of growing up and becoming- Accountable. But becoming accountable requires emotional honesty- to oneself.
It is a horrible ugly disease. And the other side of the recovery is beautiful. But it takes time and so much work.
Hugs to my friends.
-------------------------------
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~Charles Dickens
-------------------------------
As usual, Amy's life has popped up another irony,
The very same child of which I wrote this morning has come home sick. Eight years later and 13 years old, a tall skinny young man. Tonight he needs TLC and mommy's love and it is of course my joy to tend to him with tomato soup, toast, medicine, tender words, and books in bed.
It is important to remember that few mistakes in life are so great we can not repair the damage.
Wishing sweet peace and tranquility to my friends this eve....
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sitting with our feelings
Feelings---
sometimes they aren't good, they aren't bad... they just are... and they are real... and they have to be acknowledged and lived...
and we have to sit with them...
I am still a work in progress....
and I am still ok with that
The paths I have taken are my own
and just part of my tapestry of self
and I am sure I will continue to take the paths less travelled.
I just seem incapable of anything else.
Acceptance-- hm.....
sometimes they aren't good, they aren't bad... they just are... and they are real... and they have to be acknowledged and lived...
and we have to sit with them...
I am still a work in progress....
and I am still ok with that
The paths I have taken are my own
and just part of my tapestry of self
and I am sure I will continue to take the paths less travelled.
I just seem incapable of anything else.
Acceptance-- hm.....
Monday, June 15, 2009
A sweet truth
What we do with our lives, how we treat others, and the difference we make in the world,
means INFINITELY more than what we look like, or what others think of us, or what we think others think of us.
Trying to live my life in service, and not in vanity.
The energy and passion wasted on a lifelong battle over a few stupid pounds my friends, is much better spent on other things...
---------------------------
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
means INFINITELY more than what we look like, or what others think of us, or what we think others think of us.
Trying to live my life in service, and not in vanity.
The energy and passion wasted on a lifelong battle over a few stupid pounds my friends, is much better spent on other things...
---------------------------
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Becoming fearless
I am not sure where I am going with this idea.... it's more jumbles of ideas for my book. But more and more, I see that an answer for us is becoming fearless.
Over the past year of my life, I have had to do many things, that forced me to face fears. To make choices that forced me to be the grown up, even when I really did not want to be one.
It is the same with Ed. We are afraid of letting Ed continue to ruin our lives, yet afraid of a life without it.
Facing our fears, is a learning process. And learning to face fears takes time. when I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I am definitely not the same woman. I am proud of how I have grown.
It is not a graceful process, it is not a pretty process, it is something you just have to go and do sometimes. Sometimes we blurt, sometimes we cry, sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes it is not how we pictured it when we finally take our stand, but the point is, you have to do it, and you have to practice standing up for yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the stronger you become. The thicker our skin, and the bigger our playbooks.
Amy is becoming fearless. She really is.
I like that.
-------------------
When I was nine, I learned how to water ski. My brother of course was bigger and better and more fearless. If you have ever seen the wake created by a boat from the view directly behind it, you would know that a churned up path is formed directly behind then on either side is a series of waves undulating outwards. My brother could jump those waves. I could not. Even as a child, when I had something I was afraid of. I always pushed myself. My best friend Renee, likes to say I always have to "push the envelope". But these waves (usually in sets of 3), were what I set my mind too. I hated them, was terrified by them, but had to overcome them. I know it took at least one summer-probably two- and a lot of wipe outs. But eventually, I did overcome them, I never really jumped them, just sort of coasted over them, but that was good enough for me. The first wave, is indeed the biggest one, the second and third progressively smaller. When you pass the last one, the water is smooth as ice and your reward for crossing them as you hold onto the rope and soar out sideways of the boat.
Life is about these core strengthening battles and building ourselves from the inside.
I am becoming convinced more and more that so is recovery
Over the past year of my life, I have had to do many things, that forced me to face fears. To make choices that forced me to be the grown up, even when I really did not want to be one.
It is the same with Ed. We are afraid of letting Ed continue to ruin our lives, yet afraid of a life without it.
Facing our fears, is a learning process. And learning to face fears takes time. when I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I am definitely not the same woman. I am proud of how I have grown.
It is not a graceful process, it is not a pretty process, it is something you just have to go and do sometimes. Sometimes we blurt, sometimes we cry, sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes it is not how we pictured it when we finally take our stand, but the point is, you have to do it, and you have to practice standing up for yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the stronger you become. The thicker our skin, and the bigger our playbooks.
Amy is becoming fearless. She really is.
I like that.
-------------------
When I was nine, I learned how to water ski. My brother of course was bigger and better and more fearless. If you have ever seen the wake created by a boat from the view directly behind it, you would know that a churned up path is formed directly behind then on either side is a series of waves undulating outwards. My brother could jump those waves. I could not. Even as a child, when I had something I was afraid of. I always pushed myself. My best friend Renee, likes to say I always have to "push the envelope". But these waves (usually in sets of 3), were what I set my mind too. I hated them, was terrified by them, but had to overcome them. I know it took at least one summer-probably two- and a lot of wipe outs. But eventually, I did overcome them, I never really jumped them, just sort of coasted over them, but that was good enough for me. The first wave, is indeed the biggest one, the second and third progressively smaller. When you pass the last one, the water is smooth as ice and your reward for crossing them as you hold onto the rope and soar out sideways of the boat.
Life is about these core strengthening battles and building ourselves from the inside.
I am becoming convinced more and more that so is recovery
Friday, June 12, 2009
Remember to celebrate your milestones in recovery
I keep being reminded how hard the struggle is for us. And it is important to remember that recovery is a journey. But unlike other metaphors about journeys that are poetic and beautiful, I am not so sure that this journey is the kind that you always really feel like savoring and enjoying so much along the way. Because really we want so much to get to the end and get to the other side. But, we do need to remember to celebrate our personal milestones of recovery. We must be proud of our progress and see our change. (See more on EDA's recovery milestones):
http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/docs/EDA%20Milestones%20of%20Recovery%201.1.pdf
But, each of us are unique. And your milestones may not be my milestones. Each of us has unique fears and challenges that we must face. And recovery is not food specific. While we are truly "food phobics" and "weight phobics", recovery is about so so much more. Recovery is about finding your voice in life. Finding your strength, and finding yourself in this world. It is about finding your life path, and finding your way. Growing up and growing stronger. Making goals and sticking to them. It is about becoming a bigger person, a more whole person, and a more consistent person. While sometimes change is huge and others can see it. Sometimes progress comes in tiny steps that maybe only we can see. But all steps are meaningful and important.
At times, life is indescribably hard with an eating disorder, and the non-eating disordered around us do not always understand just how hard is it to struggle moment by moment. So sometimes it is up to us, to remember to celebrate each of our own beautiful victories, to smile and breathe them in. And we can share them with each other, because we know (and you most DEFINITELY can share them with me!). WE KNOW, how hard it is to accomplish these major milestones.
----------------------------
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself.
-Shel Silverstein
-------------------------------
Remember to celebrate the magic within yourself my friends as you travel along your journey
http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/docs/EDA%20Milestones%20of%20Recovery%201.1.pdf
But, each of us are unique. And your milestones may not be my milestones. Each of us has unique fears and challenges that we must face. And recovery is not food specific. While we are truly "food phobics" and "weight phobics", recovery is about so so much more. Recovery is about finding your voice in life. Finding your strength, and finding yourself in this world. It is about finding your life path, and finding your way. Growing up and growing stronger. Making goals and sticking to them. It is about becoming a bigger person, a more whole person, and a more consistent person. While sometimes change is huge and others can see it. Sometimes progress comes in tiny steps that maybe only we can see. But all steps are meaningful and important.
At times, life is indescribably hard with an eating disorder, and the non-eating disordered around us do not always understand just how hard is it to struggle moment by moment. So sometimes it is up to us, to remember to celebrate each of our own beautiful victories, to smile and breathe them in. And we can share them with each other, because we know (and you most DEFINITELY can share them with me!). WE KNOW, how hard it is to accomplish these major milestones.
----------------------------
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself.
-Shel Silverstein
-------------------------------
Remember to celebrate the magic within yourself my friends as you travel along your journey
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
