Higher Power

Driving through South Hartford late evening a few weeks ago, I found a particular word on my mind. It was after a cool spring rain and it was particularly peaceful and quiet. All of the surfaces were shining and reflected the moon and street lights. My windows were rolled down and the air was fresh. This part of the city is full of small businesses and even on a quiet night such as this, always clicks to a quick urban beat.

At an intersection I looked over and noticed a door open to a meeting room holding a small religious gathering. About 5 people were present in a tiny room with pews. The room glowed. One woman's head was bowed and she wore a beautiful lace scarf over her head. Because of my lack of religious beliefs, I could never belong to this group, but I loved that sense of belonging that they had among each other.

Crossing in the middle of the intersection were two teenage boys jostling and laughing with each other. They belonged to each other. A young couple pushed a baby stroller down the sidewalk and met an older couple they knew. The two men grasped hands and wrapped their arms around each others shoulders. All of those on the outside of the meeting room that night, also, belonged to each other.

The EDA word that came to mind at that moment for me- was "Higher Power".
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This word- Higher Power-- I can not begin to define for anyone. (In some ways can not begin to define for myself)

I think there are certainly many many ways to define this, but I am going to present one basic way tonight..... at least what it has come to mean to me.

At some point in my recovery, I had to begin to accept that I alone did not have all the answers.

I had to accept that I needed help from others. That I was not an expert in eating, in health, or even in myself. That trying to solve it on my own, I had failed miserably over and over and over again. Specifically, that at times, I needed to put myself into the hands of others and respect what they had to say. That I needed to trust what they told me. And that I needed to be able to wait and see on the outcome.

I had to seek new ways of recovery, from others, from those outside me, and I had to find faith and what I like to call "suspension of disbelief". I had to believe that recovery was real. That life after an eating disorder was real. I had to believe that I could eat like a normal woman again. That I could live in a normal body and love myself that way again.

I had to understand that I belonged to a world greater than my tiny little myopic world of eating theories and plans and fears in Amy's brain.

I had to reach out and be willing to "belong" and be open to my community's resources - it's higher powers...

which ultimately led to the higher powers within myself.

When the world doesn't believe in us

News from several friends has prompted this post. Tonight I am frustrated and angry (yes, angry) for my friends.

And it does conjure memories of my past.

What happens when those around us give up on us? When institutions and policies do not provide for us?

And why do they? and is it ok?

It is not really ok-no. But it is human nature, and it is not our position to judge but to accept. We can not ask anyone to give more than they are capable of giving, or understanding any more than they can. We are in the position that we are in, because of our actions. We can not ask anyone else to save us but ourselves. Is it fair that there are not enough treatment options, no. Is it fair that people outside of us do not understand how HARD it is to recover, no. Is it fair that sometimes people would rather turn away, than roll up their sleeves and fight this with us, no. But, should that make you roll over and give up and die either. HELL NO.

It is your life, and if you want it- YOU ultimately have to be the one to fight for it in the end.
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Be a Fighter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4

Irony

My friends... i have noticed an interesting irony... yet again in my life....

It has been a year since I started my blog.

I began it June 5th, 2008.

So today, On June 6th, 2009th, the topic of my blog is freedom...

the title of my very first blog was

"twenty three years later and no sign of real FREEDOM yet"

- i can honestly say--

this really is no longer true

In so many ways.... I can say with confidence, honesty and peace

I am so free, I will always be a person with this inside of me.

But

In some beautiful powerful sense of the word

In a sensual spiritual emotional

living

real

sense of the word

I am free!
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Note: Since I am noting dates, I think I have an anniversarying coming. Looking at the dates of last years posts, I am guessing that June 30th of last year will approximately mark a one year anniversary since my last relapse to purging. This to me is BEYOND INCREDIBLE, even in good stretches earlier in my life (Aside from the babymaking/nursing years-where I was the model of health), the longest I had maintained was usually 6-9 months without a slip. I will find a quiet way to celebrate that day. I need some more poetry books :)

Freedom

Freedom.

This is not an EDA word as promised, but right now, it is my favorite word.

It is a paradoxical word.

It is a strong word. It is associated with liberation and political movements- I like it for that reason. It brings about a call to arms!

But it is a light word promising a feeling of transcendental and heavenly flight.

So, maybe it is a frightening word.
When we are finally free from the things that haunt us, be it a bad relationship, a bad disorder, bad thoughts, what will take their place?

And that is where the work begins.

We have to take the place of what we become free from.

We have to.... because ultimately, if we become so free that we become so light and fly away, while a beautiful thought it is also terrifying.

Let us all keep our feet on the ground

as we embrace ourselves

and our freedom.

Words

My thoughts the last few days, have been circling on the power of words. My entire life, I have been connected somehow to the play, power, creation, history of words. Either scientifically, artistically, professionally, or personally. My interests have included linguistics, counseling, child language development, writing, teaching, all of these employ either the examination, careful use, or play of words. Language and words, play incredible roles in our lives. Because of this... I am going to allow myself a little time to play with some of the words that have come up in EDA that are not so well examined through the space of my blog.

Just a heads up on things to come.

500 views

My blog today has reached 500 views. This heartens me. Dear readers, I hope that you are all well, strong, and happy. Thank you for your readership. I do love each of you dearly in your silence and am honored that you have allowed me to share my thoughts with you.

Your friend in this journey,

Amy

Recovery

What does this word mean?

Renewal?

Healing?

Recreating oneself?

Starting over?

Rest?

Relaxing?

Rebuilding yourself?

How many of those things can you do?

Can you REALLY do ALL of them????

Hm........ today I am questioning myself on that.....I know I run and run and run and keep busy to keep myself two steps ahead of the things that plague me... I am still that "busy busy girl" as my grandmother said.

In my worst dreams I am always running. Always running from something or somebody and that is how it has been my whole life. And trying to gather together the tools I need to fix the problem or my survival supplies, finding and mobilize others, or find the escape route. And I suppose in reality, that's how I live, both in happiness and unhappiness.

What would happen if I sat still long enough for life to catch up with me for once?

Really?

What is the worst thing that could happen?