Two (COUNT THEM TWO) slices of pizza last night AND a glass of regular soda!!!
And didn't stress about it, and it EVEN FELT good later...
That is a first for me!!!
I am totally retaining this morning DO NOT EVEN CARE
Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hoo! Yeah, I kicked that pizza's butt!!!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Miss America
No matter what you call it, no matter what you do to change your image... it's still a friggin beauty contest. You are still parading skinny women across the stage with plastic smiles competing for a prize based on external (YES IT IS EXTERNAL) qualities. I don't see any big and busty girls with phd's up there! I sure as hell don't see any quadriplegics running philanthropic organizations!
I HATE beauty pageants. There is something wrong in a world that has these.
and Yeah, yeah, I know, usually they have a talent, or something going on... so let's just call it a Beauty and I'm not A COMPLETE idiot- pageant.................
------------
(ooooh, look at amy learning how to express anger...)
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ok-- analysis
Why am I so upset?
Because I don't want a world where my little girl has to continue to see this image of the "total" package as being so important. The perfect woman. So many of us try so hard day in and day out to be this "perfect woman", and in reality, just getting through the day, being good people, and not totally screwing something up is what we should be doing. NOT worrying if our ass is too big, if our hair is out of place, or if our pasties are slipping off.
This is MY Little Miss America!!!!
I HATE beauty pageants. There is something wrong in a world that has these.
and Yeah, yeah, I know, usually they have a talent, or something going on... so let's just call it a Beauty and I'm not A COMPLETE idiot- pageant.................
------------
(ooooh, look at amy learning how to express anger...)
------------
ok-- analysis
Why am I so upset?
Because I don't want a world where my little girl has to continue to see this image of the "total" package as being so important. The perfect woman. So many of us try so hard day in and day out to be this "perfect woman", and in reality, just getting through the day, being good people, and not totally screwing something up is what we should be doing. NOT worrying if our ass is too big, if our hair is out of place, or if our pasties are slipping off.
This is MY Little Miss America!!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
We must save the potatoes!
So, I'm fairly sure only ED sufferers have dreams like these...
Last night I dreamed that my family-- which in my dream consisted of my brother, my grandfather and my grandmother and myself, had carefully cultivated a few crops of HIGHLY special potatoes. Now you MUST MUST understand these were UNIQUE AND SPECIAL. And from what I understood, their taste was OUT OF THIS WORLD. However, I only took that from what I was told because I had never been allowed to taste any of them because they were much much too valuable for the family to actually consume. There were french bread potatoes, apple cinnamon potatoes, pure butter potatoes, macaroni and cheese potatoes, and some kind of marinated wine potato. Now, in my dream a horrible natural disaster was coming involving a deluge and all the crops were in danger and we were scrambling to save even a few of our precious potatoes, but still we were forbidden to taste or eat the potatoes. But we were lugging around bags of potatoes. All the while spilling them along roadsides. Our bags eventually became small boxes, then plates then handfuls, as we kept tripping and spilling out potatoes, but STILL we were forbidden to sample the precious potatoes.
Like I said, I'm FAIRLY sure other people don't have dreams like these.
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Such an irony to live a life obsessed with food, yet never be able to enjoy it
Last night I dreamed that my family-- which in my dream consisted of my brother, my grandfather and my grandmother and myself, had carefully cultivated a few crops of HIGHLY special potatoes. Now you MUST MUST understand these were UNIQUE AND SPECIAL. And from what I understood, their taste was OUT OF THIS WORLD. However, I only took that from what I was told because I had never been allowed to taste any of them because they were much much too valuable for the family to actually consume. There were french bread potatoes, apple cinnamon potatoes, pure butter potatoes, macaroni and cheese potatoes, and some kind of marinated wine potato. Now, in my dream a horrible natural disaster was coming involving a deluge and all the crops were in danger and we were scrambling to save even a few of our precious potatoes, but still we were forbidden to taste or eat the potatoes. But we were lugging around bags of potatoes. All the while spilling them along roadsides. Our bags eventually became small boxes, then plates then handfuls, as we kept tripping and spilling out potatoes, but STILL we were forbidden to sample the precious potatoes.
Like I said, I'm FAIRLY sure other people don't have dreams like these.
------
Such an irony to live a life obsessed with food, yet never be able to enjoy it
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The road to hell
Is paved with good intentions...
I pondered that phrase for a long time and never really understood it until recently. For me, I think it has great bearing on our lives and our problems. So many times, we take small actions, small steps, believing we are doing the right thing, yet never realizing or remembering that we are indeed being guided by this greater force.
Case in point: Drinking green mint tea nonstop because it calms me and will keep me from eating too much, because eating too much will make me anxious, and being anxious about food will push me over the edge. Well, unfortunately, drinking too much tea, is a diuretic and ultimately an appetite suppressant, it, in and of itself, is serving "the dark lord's" purpose as well.
While many times the things that can help us, e.g., drinking a cup of green mint tea AT THE RIGHT TIME, can pave the road to recovery... if done too often and at the wrong times (e.g., non-stop from 10 am to 3 pm) only reinforces the path to hell.
A stronger case in point: Using sexuality and relationships with men to attempt to obtain positive feedback and build a ("false") sense of self and confidence in one's body image. However, developing healthy reciprocal relationships based on respect and mutual attraction can genuinely result in higher self confidence and a wonderful sense of self, safety, trust, and accomplishment.
Much of our recovery, and the steps on the road to recovery are subtleties, and being black and white thinkers that we are... it's HARD for us to see the subtleties...
I pondered that phrase for a long time and never really understood it until recently. For me, I think it has great bearing on our lives and our problems. So many times, we take small actions, small steps, believing we are doing the right thing, yet never realizing or remembering that we are indeed being guided by this greater force.
Case in point: Drinking green mint tea nonstop because it calms me and will keep me from eating too much, because eating too much will make me anxious, and being anxious about food will push me over the edge. Well, unfortunately, drinking too much tea, is a diuretic and ultimately an appetite suppressant, it, in and of itself, is serving "the dark lord's" purpose as well.
While many times the things that can help us, e.g., drinking a cup of green mint tea AT THE RIGHT TIME, can pave the road to recovery... if done too often and at the wrong times (e.g., non-stop from 10 am to 3 pm) only reinforces the path to hell.
A stronger case in point: Using sexuality and relationships with men to attempt to obtain positive feedback and build a ("false") sense of self and confidence in one's body image. However, developing healthy reciprocal relationships based on respect and mutual attraction can genuinely result in higher self confidence and a wonderful sense of self, safety, trust, and accomplishment.
Much of our recovery, and the steps on the road to recovery are subtleties, and being black and white thinkers that we are... it's HARD for us to see the subtleties...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Time to crack the whip
All right, these meetings aren't going to start themselves. Time to find a meeting place. Life and work is no excuse.
Friday, January 16, 2009
hope and gratitude are states of mind
i think we can never underestimate the power of positive thinking- and in particular- the power of hope and gratitude.
Hope is essential to recovery. If you can not hope for a healthier future you can not get there. Hope relies on some degree of belief in yourself and your power to make it through the darkness. Hope sees a future that is better. You always have to have hope.
Gratitude is that thing which keeps us strong in the here and now. Gratitude looks back and looks around at all the things we have- big OR small. We can not forget the gifts given to us by our friends, ourselves and the unexpected surprises in the world. We are all works in progress. We are all growing, that in and of itself deserves gratitude.
There is always something- something good and wonderful to ground ourselves with, but sometimes you have to be able to put yourselves in the frame of mind to be willing to grasp it. And we get tired of being sick, and we get tired of struggling, and we get tired OF BEING OURSELVES. Just having this and trying to recover, is depressing in and of itself. It is ok to stop and look around at all the other wonders in your life, outside of the disorder, and feel amazing, and feel strong, and.... feel grateful that you have those wonderful things in your life.
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Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
Hope is essential to recovery. If you can not hope for a healthier future you can not get there. Hope relies on some degree of belief in yourself and your power to make it through the darkness. Hope sees a future that is better. You always have to have hope.
Gratitude is that thing which keeps us strong in the here and now. Gratitude looks back and looks around at all the things we have- big OR small. We can not forget the gifts given to us by our friends, ourselves and the unexpected surprises in the world. We are all works in progress. We are all growing, that in and of itself deserves gratitude.
There is always something- something good and wonderful to ground ourselves with, but sometimes you have to be able to put yourselves in the frame of mind to be willing to grasp it. And we get tired of being sick, and we get tired of struggling, and we get tired OF BEING OURSELVES. Just having this and trying to recover, is depressing in and of itself. It is ok to stop and look around at all the other wonders in your life, outside of the disorder, and feel amazing, and feel strong, and.... feel grateful that you have those wonderful things in your life.
-----------
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
-Emily DIckenson
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Invisibility
At the time this picture was taken, I was very sick. It was following five months of starvation and then about one month into purging and exercise bulimia. I was not skinny by society's standards. But for me, I was thin. I had lost 30-40 pounds and then regained about 10 back (which is what always prompts the purging types of behaviors for me). And I wonder, why could noone else tell? Can't they see the worn look in the eyes? Can't they see the drawn look to the cheeks, the thinning and lack luster hair ? Couldn't they see the weird color to my skin especially in my hands?
The answer is no-- the signs are so easy to miss. So many of us suffer and nobody knows. For millions of us being sick doesn't mean being anorexia thin. And it's not their fault. It's our job to make it known and to make ourselves better before we waste away to the point where it can't be missed. Before metaphorical invisibility- becomes literal invisibility.
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