Recovery is a long and arduous journey and we will doubleback and take many detours and winding paths.
And we will stumble and we will fall.
But first, and always first....
You do have to want it enough.
Unlike other things in life, it is something where wanting it enough does count.
It is our dark and dirty little secret, that we do not want to let it go.
That we still believe in it, take shelter and comfort in it.
That it is in our friend in darkness.
It does not matter how wrong we are, how confused we are, how much evidence to the contrary we are presented with- remember- it is a mental illness.
But that is the true first step.
You have to want it.
You have to want to unfold your fist and let go of the thing you have been holding onto so tightly- like a superstition....because that is what it really is. A superstition, only this one isn't silly, like a rabbits foot, or a lucky penny. It's deadly.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The Power of Thin
I have almost posted this several times, but it is a difficult concept to put into words and to share. I feel like it is time for me to explore this deeper. I already know that what I write tonight is still only going to capture a percentage of the mumbo-jumbo floating around in my head...
What does it mean to us? To be thin? I often ask my ED friends that question, what does THIN mean to you. And I think it's time I attempt to answer that question. My own answers are not pretty, they do not say the kindest things about my nature. But emotional honesty is the name of the game in recovery...So... here goes...
What does it mean to us? To be thin? I often ask my ED friends that question, what does THIN mean to you. And I think it's time I attempt to answer that question. My own answers are not pretty, they do not say the kindest things about my nature. But emotional honesty is the name of the game in recovery...So... here goes...
For me Thin at times has represented a form of power. But it is a twisted and perverted form of power.
First, being thin means you will be seen as frail and delicate by those that might (or you wish would) have natural urges to protect you. That is power gained through being the weak. The image I often have is of the ballerina, so strong in form, angular and powerful on the stage, but in person, delicate and "special" to those around her. At times I think it is a reflection of how tiny and frail we actually feel on the inside. How we wish the world would at times protect us more. Many of us do not feel that, do not benefit from that from those around us. It is a calling out to the world, see, I need help, I need support, I need to be swaddled like a small child or held up against the wind. While we are type A achiever and perfectionistic people, we often are intensely frail and insecure inside, simultaneously pushing away and pulling at those who might help us.
First, being thin means you will be seen as frail and delicate by those that might (or you wish would) have natural urges to protect you. That is power gained through being the weak. The image I often have is of the ballerina, so strong in form, angular and powerful on the stage, but in person, delicate and "special" to those around her. At times I think it is a reflection of how tiny and frail we actually feel on the inside. How we wish the world would at times protect us more. Many of us do not feel that, do not benefit from that from those around us. It is a calling out to the world, see, I need help, I need support, I need to be swaddled like a small child or held up against the wind. While we are type A achiever and perfectionistic people, we often are intensely frail and insecure inside, simultaneously pushing away and pulling at those who might help us.
But there is also a form of power gained (particularly among women- and between women) as conquering the fight against fat shows that you have greater strength than other women. I like to think of this as the "long jacket, short skirt" woman in the Cake song.... Allowing fat on your body is a sign of personal weakness among women. It is a signal to other women that you are in some way superior to them. The secret desire to be called the "skinny bitch". There are times in your life, where this motivation is stronger or weaker. Among the anorexics who are even recovering, it is eerie how quickly the conversation can become competitive as to WHO lost the most weight or WHO can eat the least. this is an overly simplistic explanation- and one that I know is not shared by all... but ashamedly... at times... I have strived for this and thrilled at having that competitive edge...
Fat also represents aging, and thin still represents youth, the young adolescent body-under developed, untouched by the years, by childbirth, by stress and age. Many of us continue to buy into the youth culture and compare our bodies to girls and young women much younger than ourselves. Being thin represents an attempt to maintain eternal youth. It is in some way a rejection of the time that has passed and the experiences our bodies have been through as well. And we do perceive that youthfulness and young figure to be more desirable and crave that eternal attractiveness.
But finally, it is also a rejection of all that is upon us. A rejection of standing out in a room, or taking up place. It is a desire to be invisible, to be unnoticed, unexceptional, to be able to slip quietly into the back of the room and not STAND OUT because we are SO LARGE. We perceive that the larger a person is, the more others will notice and criticize them, so it is a hope that we can flee from this intense criticism on at LEAST one dimension. Thus, it is a rejection of feeling your thighs touch each other, or a little bit of belly hanging over the jeans. Being thin per se, is often not the goal. It is the LACK of fat which is the goal. Many of us are choosing to reject the family genetics from which we come, we have come to associated full figuredness with certain stereotypes and have developed a sense of agony and torture over the thought of being anything like that. What the "round" middle age woman means to me now, is not a person I want to be- as in my mind she is not athletic, vivacious, competent, sexy, ambitious. Every ounce of fat upon my body, apparently takes away from these characteristics. For me at times, I have been able to actually say; " I would rather be dead than Fat". It is a desperate attempt to NOT be something, rather than a seeking of the power of thin. It is a running away from fat, because of what we believe "fat" makes us.
I know I do not want to be frail or seen as frail, I do not want to be a competitive bitch among women, I do not want to be thirteen years old, and I do not want to run away from who I am anymore.
I am Amy, no more, no less. Just Amy.
With powers of my own not tied to my weight or figure or age....
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Our own Portraits of Dorian Gray
An analogy lately has been in my mind and it has been puzzling me (as a writer) as to the best way to get it onto paper.
There was an old movie, most likely based on a book I suppose, that I remember seeing as a child, The Portrait of Dorian Gray.
The story has all the classic elements of a "selling your soul to the devil" story. The tragic lead character makes an exchange with the devil for something they desire and in doing so, in reality suffers some tragic -ironic- outcome.
In this particular tale, Dorian sells his soul to the devil for eternal youth and beauty but in exchange is given a portrait of himself how he really truly is. And it not only represents his true aging processes, but his true moral character over time. Dorian over time, will peek at the portrait, as it becomes a gradually more horrifying representation of himself. And even though his outward manifestation of beauty and appearance to the world is unchanged, his own fixation with what is happening with the portrait- thus his internal self- will cause him eternal suffering. Yet he is not mature enough himself to truly understand the paradox within which he is caught.
For me at least, over the years, I have found myself quite aware of that portrait of Amy that others are not aware of. I did indeed attempt to sell myself to the Demon Ed for some concept of eternal youth and beauty. However in doing so in reality I destroyed my internal self in two very real ways- psychologically and in an extremely real physical sense. I would be ashamed to admit the very real consequences to my internal organs and health due to the horrible things I have done to my body over the years, many of which are embarrassing. I have a sense that my external body has the appearance of a 35 year old, but I feel as though I am carrying around 70 year old organs at times. And my portrait would indeed capture that (yes I am a fan of Frida Kahlo's works..... see the connection...)
More significantly though perhaps is the psychological element that would have to be incorporated into my picture. While we suffer from self-loathing and a form of self-punitive mental processes that others are at times aware of, it is evident to me now from my interactions that nobody REALLY understands the depths to which these self hating thoughts are truly nightmarish and horrible at times. To look inside our minds at the times when we are cruelest to ourselves would be utterly painful to the "normal" outsider. This twisted and at times vitriolic load of black bile that only we can pour upon ourselves is also one of the HARDEST things to stop. (Another apropo analogy would be Hieronymus Bosch- yes another favorite artist of mine.)
The irony is that we are so careful to portray for the world only the brightest and shiniest parts of our personality, that few people are really aware of the dark suffering we carry. In fact, I remember showing my husband photos of my on-line recovery friends and him saying, "I just don't understand it, you are all so pretty" But that is precisely it. We are- we are all so fixated on our outside appearances, that regardless of our weight or genetics, yes, we are pretty. Pretty, gentle, sweet, kind women. Experts in grooming, appearances and demeanor. All of us.
In order to recover-- the outside has to begin to match the inside... the inner health both physically and psychologically must have a chance to heal.
And while this is a rather intense post and I have put off talking about it-- I will end on this note-- my Portrait of Amy-- is so much nicer than it used to be---I am healing psychologically and physically, and it just FEEELS so good.
There was an old movie, most likely based on a book I suppose, that I remember seeing as a child, The Portrait of Dorian Gray.
The story has all the classic elements of a "selling your soul to the devil" story. The tragic lead character makes an exchange with the devil for something they desire and in doing so, in reality suffers some tragic -ironic- outcome.
In this particular tale, Dorian sells his soul to the devil for eternal youth and beauty but in exchange is given a portrait of himself how he really truly is. And it not only represents his true aging processes, but his true moral character over time. Dorian over time, will peek at the portrait, as it becomes a gradually more horrifying representation of himself. And even though his outward manifestation of beauty and appearance to the world is unchanged, his own fixation with what is happening with the portrait- thus his internal self- will cause him eternal suffering. Yet he is not mature enough himself to truly understand the paradox within which he is caught.
For me at least, over the years, I have found myself quite aware of that portrait of Amy that others are not aware of. I did indeed attempt to sell myself to the Demon Ed for some concept of eternal youth and beauty. However in doing so in reality I destroyed my internal self in two very real ways- psychologically and in an extremely real physical sense. I would be ashamed to admit the very real consequences to my internal organs and health due to the horrible things I have done to my body over the years, many of which are embarrassing. I have a sense that my external body has the appearance of a 35 year old, but I feel as though I am carrying around 70 year old organs at times. And my portrait would indeed capture that (yes I am a fan of Frida Kahlo's works..... see the connection...)
More significantly though perhaps is the psychological element that would have to be incorporated into my picture. While we suffer from self-loathing and a form of self-punitive mental processes that others are at times aware of, it is evident to me now from my interactions that nobody REALLY understands the depths to which these self hating thoughts are truly nightmarish and horrible at times. To look inside our minds at the times when we are cruelest to ourselves would be utterly painful to the "normal" outsider. This twisted and at times vitriolic load of black bile that only we can pour upon ourselves is also one of the HARDEST things to stop. (Another apropo analogy would be Hieronymus Bosch- yes another favorite artist of mine.)
The irony is that we are so careful to portray for the world only the brightest and shiniest parts of our personality, that few people are really aware of the dark suffering we carry. In fact, I remember showing my husband photos of my on-line recovery friends and him saying, "I just don't understand it, you are all so pretty" But that is precisely it. We are- we are all so fixated on our outside appearances, that regardless of our weight or genetics, yes, we are pretty. Pretty, gentle, sweet, kind women. Experts in grooming, appearances and demeanor. All of us.
In order to recover-- the outside has to begin to match the inside... the inner health both physically and psychologically must have a chance to heal.
And while this is a rather intense post and I have put off talking about it-- I will end on this note-- my Portrait of Amy-- is so much nicer than it used to be---I am healing psychologically and physically, and it just FEEELS so good.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The difference now between myself and food
So a thought occured to me...
The big difference now between myself and food is that i no longer really fear it. I understand now that it is not the food that is to blame, or is the problem ever, it is what I do with food, or rather what i perceive the food does. And that is good, because anytime you fear something, it has power over you.
Where I still struggle is that I do not really LIKE food still. Food and I still sort of eye each other with a little disdain. I still resent that it has caused me so much pain in my life, I still do not enjoy most flavors, most dishes, cooking is a process I do not relish. I do not like being full, I do not like sensations of eating, or hunger, or satiation. I do not like food aromas. i do not want to share meals with people, or go to restaurants really (just drinks, coffee, or tea, please). To me, the whole food and eating thing is just this giant pain in the butt that i pretty much associate massive trauma with.
So, I am definitely pleased the balance of power has decidedly shifted and I am the one that has the power. (or rather I KNOW I have the power again because I had that power all along- wearing my little ruby slippers through the land of ED OZ). While it no longer has power over me, power of misery, power of mind control, power of desperation, food and I, we're really not best of friends yet.
But, i'll keep working on it.
Because-- that's what I do! I'm a work in progress.
The big difference now between myself and food is that i no longer really fear it. I understand now that it is not the food that is to blame, or is the problem ever, it is what I do with food, or rather what i perceive the food does. And that is good, because anytime you fear something, it has power over you.
Where I still struggle is that I do not really LIKE food still. Food and I still sort of eye each other with a little disdain. I still resent that it has caused me so much pain in my life, I still do not enjoy most flavors, most dishes, cooking is a process I do not relish. I do not like being full, I do not like sensations of eating, or hunger, or satiation. I do not like food aromas. i do not want to share meals with people, or go to restaurants really (just drinks, coffee, or tea, please). To me, the whole food and eating thing is just this giant pain in the butt that i pretty much associate massive trauma with.
So, I am definitely pleased the balance of power has decidedly shifted and I am the one that has the power. (or rather I KNOW I have the power again because I had that power all along- wearing my little ruby slippers through the land of ED OZ). While it no longer has power over me, power of misery, power of mind control, power of desperation, food and I, we're really not best of friends yet.
But, i'll keep working on it.
Because-- that's what I do! I'm a work in progress.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Taking stock
I really was thinking today how it is so important at this time in my life, in order to remain positive, for me to continue to focus on my growth and the progress I have made in my life. So, I am taking some time tonight to take stock of how far I have come.
Three years ago:
I could not walk a mile without pain or losing my breath
I could not climb a hill
I was often so tired I could not get through a day without a nap and found working 8 hour days impossible
I took Aleve 5 times a week for pain
I suffered far greater depression and anxiety
I had three cavities (making six in 5 years)
And, I was purging at least once daily, abusing laxatives and diuretics
Two years ago:
I had just started the most intensive therapy yet and was just beginning to make vital connections to my past and my present
I was still unable to eat 75% of the foods normal people would not fear
But, I could walk miles again without pain! BUT- this enabled me unfortunately to become an overexerciser and controlling eater again
HOWEVER- I was mentally committed to a life without purging
I was able to say- NO MORE, I shall do this NO MORE
I found my online friends and a new way of connecting to the world and healing
One year ago:
I began to come out to family and friends
I began writing my story
I began recognizing triggers in my everyday life and developed the ability to talk and actively think about them and address them
Maybe it's a long journey, but it is a journey of hope, and a journey worth taking. Good luck my friends, stay strong and stay on the path!
Three years ago:
I could not walk a mile without pain or losing my breath
I could not climb a hill
I was often so tired I could not get through a day without a nap and found working 8 hour days impossible
I took Aleve 5 times a week for pain
I suffered far greater depression and anxiety
I had three cavities (making six in 5 years)
And, I was purging at least once daily, abusing laxatives and diuretics
Two years ago:
I had just started the most intensive therapy yet and was just beginning to make vital connections to my past and my present
I was still unable to eat 75% of the foods normal people would not fear
But, I could walk miles again without pain! BUT- this enabled me unfortunately to become an overexerciser and controlling eater again
HOWEVER- I was mentally committed to a life without purging
I was able to say- NO MORE, I shall do this NO MORE
I found my online friends and a new way of connecting to the world and healing
One year ago:
I began to come out to family and friends
I began writing my story
I began recognizing triggers in my everyday life and developed the ability to talk and actively think about them and address them
Maybe it's a long journey, but it is a journey of hope, and a journey worth taking. Good luck my friends, stay strong and stay on the path!
How does it feel to be textbook?
I was looking for more links to put on my blog and I found this:
Causes of Eating Disorders:
http://www.anred.com/causes.html
The degree to which my own story, symptoms and experiences have been so textbook is always something I have such mixed emotions about. Everyone always likes to think that their story is a little different, a little bit of an exception to the rule, that they don't quite meet every criteria, or they aren't "as bad off" as everyone else.
But-- this morning I am going to respond with this- ok, what do I do with those feelings? What do I do about it?
I use that knowledge I have, I use the fact that I am textbook, that I am a "classic" example- to help change the world. I understand almost all aspects of the disorder, and I can use that understanding somehow, to help other women.
Causes of Eating Disorders:
http://www.anred.com/causes.html
The degree to which my own story, symptoms and experiences have been so textbook is always something I have such mixed emotions about. Everyone always likes to think that their story is a little different, a little bit of an exception to the rule, that they don't quite meet every criteria, or they aren't "as bad off" as everyone else.
But-- this morning I am going to respond with this- ok, what do I do with those feelings? What do I do about it?
I use that knowledge I have, I use the fact that I am textbook, that I am a "classic" example- to help change the world. I understand almost all aspects of the disorder, and I can use that understanding somehow, to help other women.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
All about you....
One of the greatest things I needed to learn and remember and consistently reinforce for myself and my ED recovery friends, was that becoming a recoverer, meant being able to make things all about me sometimes.
And sometimes, that means making your recovery your number one priority in your life, keeping your commitment to yourself to keep yourself healthy and safe above all other commitments or passions in your life.
We are the kind of people that want so much to please others, it is indeed the very nature of our disorder. Yet, in order to recover we have to simply take the time, NO rather, we simply have to GIVE ourselves the time and resources and permission to be self-focused in this way, in order to make it happen.
Recovery is about you
your health
your strength
your life
You
And sometimes, that means making your recovery your number one priority in your life, keeping your commitment to yourself to keep yourself healthy and safe above all other commitments or passions in your life.
We are the kind of people that want so much to please others, it is indeed the very nature of our disorder. Yet, in order to recover we have to simply take the time, NO rather, we simply have to GIVE ourselves the time and resources and permission to be self-focused in this way, in order to make it happen.
Recovery is about you
your health
your strength
your life
You
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