When life comes galloping at you...

I hate to admit it, off and on in my life, I am and have been a person prone to developing fears... to date some of my fears have been:

planes, heights, germs, dogs (now limited to German Shephards, Chows, Dobermans, and Jack Russell Terriers), public speaking, boats, bridges, caves and sinkholes, jellyfish, yellowjackets, june bugs, grasshoppers, driving next to trucks, driving by the woods at night, driving through cities, ghosts (but we're cool now), cows,

and

HORSES

(Note: speaking from a childhood experience where I was definitely someplace I was NOT supposed to be and encountered a horse that was NOT child friendly- I can assure you they are NOT as friendly as they look. Same thing goes for cows- and they can move much faster than ya'll would think.)

This morning, my dog and I were on our favorite "off the beaten path" trail in the woods. And I was very very deep in thought with my music turned up and my eyes on the ground. When we turned the corner, both Petey and I were rather startled to intersect with a rider on a horse. A REALLY REALLY HUGE horse I must add. And it's doing all those damn horsey things that they do, you know, snorting, flipping it's tail, stomping, looking down at me and staring at me straight in the eyes-- UGH! and I have to admit, I am FROZEN in my tracks. And to make things worse, I have Petey who not only has never seen a horse, suddenly believes he is capable of eating the horse.

So- I have a choice. And my first and most obvious choice is to be a grown up- I am alone in the woods and there is nobody else there to protect me! So, like a grown up, I must figure out, what are my options?

See- this is life.

Sometimes, we can just be going along, thinking everything is ok, or even GREAT, and we have things under control, and that thing we do not expect to fall upon us, just does. I had no idea that horses were allowed in this park. BUT we all have things we are vulnerable to. And some of those things, no matter how hard we have tried, or how far we have come, we will continue to be vulnerable to. As much as we want to think that we have become SO SO strong and impervious to harm, that is simply not the truth. But we CAN become smarter and better caretakers and protectors of ourselves under times of stress.

And that is what predicts whether or not we will relapse.

There will always be that thing that falls from the sky that we do not expect. The bad boyfriend, the person who disapppoints us, the well intentioned comment from a clueless "outsider", the toxic person who crosses our path, the thing from the past that comes back to haunt us, the work change or stress when we think it is all "under control". We have to be able to make choices quickly in the path of our worst fears, triggers, trials.

So, what did I do?

Well, I did pull back. And I breathed. And I reminded myself that most likely the person on the horse could control the horse. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). Then I told myself I could control Petey. (I didn't really believe this, but I told myself this). And I got a firmer hold on him. Then I spoke. I said, "My dog has never seen a horse, this is going to be hard for me, can you please move over so we can pass?"

And they did.

And it was really hard for a few moments when we were passing, because they didn't move over as much as I wanted them to, and the horse did stomp and shuffle a bit, and make pretty scary noises at me, and my dog did pull and I did feel a bit panicky, but I just kept going. Because I had to. Because I knew I had no other choice and the sooner I got to the other side, the sooner it would be over.

And we went along our way.


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We can do this. We can meet all the things that life throws us, if only we take the time to pull back, breathe, remind ourselves of what we need to do, and take the time to advocate for our needs, drudge through what we have to get through reminding ourselves that "this too shall pass AND I got this!", and then continue along our paths to happier healthier selves.
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"If you're going through hell, keep going"
-Winston Churchill

My Body to Own

This body of mine

I am my own to own

It is woman it is soft it is strong

It is no longer to be sculpted in the eyes of Ed

It is Olympia reclining

It is Venus De Milo

It is Rembrandt’s Hendrickje

It is Marilyn wrapped in white sheets

It is velvet and grace and languid movements

Across the room

Like the panther with hips of the hunter

And soft padded feet

This body of mine

I am my own to own

From cradle to grave

It is a woman’s body

It is a woman’s heart

It is a woman’s soul

Bleeding, crying, dancing, birthing, holding, giving, comforting, loving, soothing, dreaming, aspiring

You will never take away my strength

My curves

Or my softness

Again.

My Windows are open? Are yours?

A while ago, a friend and I shared an analogy involving windows and walls. And my friend encouraged me to look forward to the day when my windows could truly be wide open and I could let the sunshine in. This week, I had the curious opportunity to use this analogy in three different occasions, two professionally, and one personally. (Isn't serendipity great!)

This morning, my windows are wide open. It is an absolutely gorgeous morning. My mind is buzzing with the voices of many new friends I have made, and passages from books I have read, and moments in time I have had the unique blessing to be a part of lately.

Many of us, have held onto ways of being and behaving that we believe in, that have NOT led us to healthy outcomes, but we can't let go of. Also we have holed ourselves up in our little worlds of pain and doom and self-criticism and abandoned hope on the outside world having much to offer us. It is only when we open the windows and are willing to receive fresh voices, fresh ways of being, fresh experiences, that we are able to grow and become better selves.

Read, talk, watch, listen, taking part, being present, trying new things ..... all of these are ways of opening your windows and bringing you closer to change and closer to growth.

Yeah....my windows are definitely open, and it's a beautiful world.

I love me

Ok- here it is- the "What I love about me assignment" that I think at some time or another, we have all come across or been told to do to... I have to admit, I have never really done it- For some reason, I am ready!

It has taken me a long time to be ready to write this, and I think therapists have no idea how long it does take for us to be here because of the dark world we live in inside.... BUT, today, I feel like it!

My job lately has taken me on the road again, and I have had the opportunity to surreptitiously steal a few moments here and there at the beach, in the woods, in a park....and I suppose these thoughts reflect my out of doors connections a little bit (and too much sun on the brain), but here goes. Thank you for humoring me. It feels a little more self-centered than a post should (even for something as narcisistic as a blog in the first place!) But, I want to record this for my own posterity, and to demonstrate, just how good, it does feel, to simply FEEL GOOD.

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I love that I hear and see and know things that other people do not. I love that I feel more deeply than I should sometimes.

I love that my greatest weaknesses are my greatest strengths.

I love that I am alone right now, and learning to love silence.

I love, that my smile makes other people smile.

I love that I can codeswitch, and talk to anyone. I love that if you locked me in a room with anyone for an hour, I would leave knowing their life story.

I love that I periodically speak in 4 different (horrible) accents... and seem to be working on my brooklyn one- YO.

I love that I grew up poor, and know exactly what I need in life. I love that I need very little to be happy.

I love that things of beauty in nature and art deeply move and affect me: like the ocean, mountains, a sunset, a rainbow, a painting, or a poem. I recognize that they are ALL powers greater than myself. I can become completely lost in these things.

I love that I compulsively sing and my children do too now. I love that I know the words to songs nobody else knows. And my children do too now.

I love that people fall in love with my sons instantly, but are a little intimidated by my daughter. I love that I may be raising the next viking warrior queen.

I love that I actually do believe every answer in life can be found in the Wizard of Oz.

I love that sometimes, I think I have actually discovered the meaning of life, (hint- rent the Wizard of Oz)

I love that I have grown my grandfather's wine colored iris everyplace I have ever lived.

I love that I have an almost inexplicably insatiable curiosity.

I love that I do not believe in God, but I do believe that if there is one, God believes in me.

I love that I now know so many backroads in CT that it doesn't matter anymore when I get lost. Of course, I only know those roads from getting lost in the first place!

I love that I do not REALLY place much value on personal grooming. But, I also love that I feel good in my skin now and DO IT FOR MYSELF when I do decide to "clean up and step out".

I love that I am so good at my job my boss overlooks things like lapses in professional grooming, showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time and occasionally doing odd things like sticking my tongue out at co-workers or going on a political soapbox at an inopportune moment.

I love that I make ADHD look good.

I love that the strangest things bring tears to my eyes, like a flower left on a bench, or a strangers baby announcement.

I love that my daughter and I both are going to grow our hair out long together. I love that I am addicted to coloring my hair and don't really care what anyone else thinks, even when the result is a disaster.

I love that I never give up, well past even when I probably should.

I love that I am incapable of anger (despite all the therapy it has required! it is still a blessing!- refer to second point).

I love that I am a science fiction geek. For that matter, I love that I am a geek.

I love that I am most definitely weird, and quite possibly crazy.

I love that I have never, ever, lost my sense of humor.

I love that I am not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.

I love that I have learned to live with my mistakes.

I love that little children come to me and warm up to me, even the ones that usually don't trust strangers.

I love that I can dance.

I love that people are my real addiction, that it is where I draw my energy from, and that I know that now.

I love that I have found 14 four leaf clovers (edited 6/5/09 19!) in my life, because I always know where to look.

I love that I can change a tire in less than 20 minutes.

I love that I am not a snob.

I love my midwestern work ethic (of course it makes up nicely for the ADHD).

I love that I am still passionate about my job, and people know that I am passionate about it too, and I make them passionate about what they do as well.

I love that I am complex, that there are sides of me nobody really knows about or understands and that I have the rest of my life to figure myself out. I love that I am ok with all of me, finally.

I love that I am a survivor. I love that more than once in my life, I have surprised people and people have said the phrase about me, "never judge a book by it's cover".

I love that despite everything, I still believe in true love.

I love that I am joyful.

I love that I AM a mother. That I live and breathe this role, that I wanted to be one since I was a little girl, and that my children each have a piece of me inside of them, and that I will BE a mother until the day I die.

I love that I get knocked down, but I always get back up again. I love that I give the word tenacity a whole new meaning.

I love that my core values are kindness, gratitude, and inclusion and I live by those values. I love that I know what my core values are.

I love me
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Find the path towards loving yourself too... and your freedom. I would love to see your "l love myself" lists someday. We are works in progress, and we must love that we are growing, learning, and "becoming".

Amy

In review

The human body, it is strong and it is resilient, but it is a living growing thing. We have cells that need certain things to function and to replenish themselves. Our bodies do so much work for us to breathe, replace blood cells and bone and muscle tissue; and must have energy to move, think, and balance all these functions.

Water,
Fresh air,
Healthy foods
Rest
and Exercise

and sunshine, good thoughts and hope....

These are the things we need...

When you take care of your body, it WILL take care of you, I promise this my friends!

Standing by you

My friends,

It has occured to me more and more how we have the unique opportunity to support each other because of how deeply we understand each other. It is my hope that everyone who suffers will find a way to reach out to someone they trust to help them get out to the other side and then someday find it within themselves to reach out to others and help them through.

I hope my new friends will continue to reach out to each other and support each other as well as look inside to themselves and find that friend INSIDE OF THEMSELVES that they can trust! Part of recovery is finding your inner strength and learning how to "act in smarter ways" to look out for yourself. (Remember, we have to learn to become better and more trustworthy friends and caretakers to ourselves too)

Wishing everyone a peaceful day,

Your friend in this battle (even if we never meet),

Amy

Whether you are looking to me, others, or yourself for strength, this song is dedicated to all my beautiful special friends today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maAyfcO-X3k&feature=PlayList&p=887B077043D171CF&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=19

Out damned spot

In the scene in MacBeth when Lady MacBeth has become obsessed with her husband's murder and figuratively cannot become clean, she continues to compulsively clean her hands and becries,

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

For those of us farther down the recovery road- it seems like we fought like that against our weight and bodies, and then continue even upon recovery, to fight like that to rid ourselves of the imprints of this disease upon ourselves, because we are stigmatized and feel marked by it for years. In many ways, there is no perfect recovery. We struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with the after effects of having had an eating disorder that linger upon us for a long time- in fact we wish to blot away the very fact we had an eating disorder.

In some ways it feels similar to the constellation of other behaviors we have related to our perfectionism-As we often struggle with imperfect situations in our lives. We have difficulty sitting with our feelings, we have difficulty with failure, loss, inadequacy. These painful cycles of self judgment, and attempts to correct situations, attempts to heal ourselves and even make everyone happy "in the end" and move beyond the past, find the answer that we missed, sometimes just need to be put away....

So today, I say, Ed (and eternal searching) be damned--

Today, you can just go away and leave me the hell alone.

Because I want to just sit with my feelings and eat some chocolate. Like other people do, when they are in a crappy mood.

It's a new day

Remember my friends, Every day is a new day....

Rise each morning and no matter what mistakes you made the day before, we put one foot in front of the other. And we can make this day better than the day before. That is the glory of time, it only moves forward.

So, let's all keep moving forward together! I know I for one am! It's a beautiful morning and I have a lot of seeds to plant with my children this afternoon. Who can think about silly things like their bodies and their weight or worry about what others think about them when they have their beautiful smiling children next to them with their hands in the fresh damp soil?

I hope everyone is able to find something beautiful to do today to remind them of the real reasons for living.

Never again..

There is a place in our lives....for being able to say "never again"

When we must be able to grow from saying... "I am trying" to "I will stop". I will take a stand, I am worth drawing a line in the sand for. Several times in my life, I am proud to say, I was able to say, NEVER AGAIN. Never again will I purge. Never again, will I risk my life in certain ways. Never again, will I allow certain influences upon me. Never again, will I allow certain things/ situations/people to hurt me. Never again will I carelessly put myself in harms way.

These are hard moments, but these are the strongest moments. These are our most defining moments. These are our safest moments and our most life altering. These are the moments we have our voice, even if we do it in silence. These are our most beautiful, intelligent, soaring, inspiring, confident and FREE moments.

I hope my friends are able to reach their "never agains" someday as well. Trust me, I do know how hard it is.

Because we are "what if-er"s and "if only-ers" and "maybe it will be different this tim-ers".... we like to leave doors open and we don't trust ourselves and our instincts. We are afraid our voices will fail us and we are afraid that the consequences of standing up for ourselves and our altered future will be worse than if we just leave it alone. But sometimes... a change must come. That is the only way out of the place you are in.

Practice just saying that.... "never again".... doesn't that sound nice!

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No more

Never again shall I kneel to thee

Demon of my haunted self

Turning myself inside out

For you no more

I am not your human bride

I shall not sacrifice my

Soul to your chains of eternal thirst and hunger

And doomsday reflections

These hands I own

This body I nourish to walk forth strongly towards

It’s destiny

This mouth to laugh

And sing

And fill with earthly delights as indeed

I now fill my soul

With the beautiful things

That once were hidden from me

When I was yours

No more ED demon

I cast you back

To the pits of hell

Where you belong!

something beautiful and true

thanks to a dear new friend for sending me this wonderful thing today:


I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way to the answer.

-Reiner Maria Rilke

The Emotional Easy Button

Lately, it has occurred to me, that I can no longer rely on the emotional easy button.

and I wonder if many of my friends can relate, as I often feel I hear echoes of this in their stories.

I feel I have learned lately through many life lessons that often, the right decisions, are the hardest ones to make.

The right choice, often means giving up that thing you want, that thing which makes you feel good at some cost, the thing that on the surface "seems right" but doesn't quite make sense and you JUST know it. It means learning to operate from a place of emotional balance and self parenting, rather than impulse and emotions only. It means sometimes letting go of your security blankets. And sometimes it means taking the longer slower path. And sometimes it means letting sadness, or other real feelings into your life for a while. Or having to be uncomfortable and solve things on your own. But something worth doing (LIVING YOUR LIFE AND LIVING IT RIGHT!) is worth doing right.

We are generally people of addictions, low emotional self regulation, the "walking wounded" in some way, carrying a strange mix of being overly trusting yet completely guarded and untrusting at the same time. Through this odd combination, we often fall for the emotional easy button. We like to fix our bad emotions through "quick fixes". Denial, fantasy, ("if I can't see it- it's not happening") or rationalization ("well, this is really happening because..."; or "this is Ok because...."). We like to find others to help us make the decisions that are too hard for us to make. We will often peck at the same easy button well after it has been broken or worn out just simply because everything else is too hard to try. Who knows if this is because nobody taught us otherwise, or our genetic/biological/emotional/intellectual make up, or a result of traumas of childhood. But, this lack of emotional forethought, self confidence, emotional intelligence, and stability is part of who we often are. And we often know better, at some level, and make decisions that we know are not the right choice, but will find ourselves still falling back because it is "emotionally easy" to do so.

Sometimes, the right thing to do at the time, is the hardest thing to do. And there are no emotional easy buttons for most of life. And that is part of being a grown up. And giving up our behaviors, all of them, the eating disordered behaviors, and the constellation of behaviors that go with it, and becoming a self advocate as well as watching out for the emotional needs of others around us whom we care about and becoming a strong confident grown-up is where we win our dignity back.

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You must be the change you wish to see in the world
~Ghandi~

Things do not change; we change.
~Henry David Thoreau~

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
~Arnold Bennett~

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.
~Anatole France~

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.
~Henri Bergson~

Change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.
~Vachel Lindsay~

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

finding your voice- the learning curve

So many of us, have been damaged in so many ways, and one of the "damages" many of us have incurred has been the loss of our voices. In overcoming that, we have had to discover our voices and liberate them again. Having a voice, means using it, often through faltering attempts and trial and error. If a tree falls in the forest and there is noone there to hear it... well then, I can't answer the question if it makes a sound but ... for sure NOBODY HEARS IT! Communication and talking takes at least two. I truly believe that journaling and writing are wonderful healing methods, but talking to others about our pains and experiences is an ever more important step in the journey. We must make friends, and we must talk about where we have been and what we are holding inside. The things we hold inside are so dark and so painful, that we simply must push ourselves to find people we can trust and talk to. The very act of keeping these things inside eats away at our souls and turns us into wasted and more damaged people among the land of the eating normal.

However, this truly is a huge risk for us. In doing so, it takes friends, and people we trust to help us do that. Only safe people can provide us those havens, but we have to take risks in finding those people. Some things inside of us can be dark and scary to share. Some of those are ED issues, and certainly not all of them are. So many of our issues that contribute to our food issues must be explored as well and often friends can help us heal those wounds as well, even without knowing about the food issues. Friends who have ED's and friends without ED's all allow us to become stronger and can listen to us as we find our voices again, but we have to make smart choices and only surround ourselves with people who will encourage us to find our voices in safe smart ways. We must learn to recognize and stay away from people who will take advantage of our nature and use it against us in unsafe ways. Developing co-dependent relationships with individuals of the opposite sex or other people with addictive personalities or dangerous personalities are not ways to heal. I see many of us exploring relationships, wanting to practice our new voices and reaching out and the potential to find individuals that can do more harm than good to us exists within each of us.

We must be able to learn to use our own voices to say:

This is where I have been, this is where I want to go...
This is how I want to be treated, and I will expect no less...
These are my strengths, these are my weaknesses, these are the challenges I am trying to overcome...

We have to recognize who these people are, and who they are not. Take risks, and keep trying! It doesn't take a million good friends! Only a few.


But always remember healthy friends allow us to:

Be ourselves- the confident, strong, interesting, honest, and complex selves that we are
Always say what we feel, what we really feel.
Speak the truth, encouraging us to say the truth, even if it is ugly or painful.
Allow us to experiment and be wrong and make mistakes and not judge us.
Encourage us to grow and be grown up and make grown up decisions.
Have our best interests at heart and keep us out of harms way.
Hear what we say, not what they want to hear.
Never, ever, do things that make us feel small, confused, worse or increase our tendency to harm ourselves.

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I continue to feel blessed by the friends I have that love and encourage me in my own journey.
I am no longer sad by the friends I have lost, or the people I have had to close the doors of my heart to.

Thank you my friends.

And I continue to feel true hope for all my new ED friends as well as we continue to develop our beautiful honest sonorous voices together.

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"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand,
nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship;
it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when
he discovers that someone else believes in him
and is willing to trust him."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why come?

If you are hesitant to come to a meeting, here are some effects I have observed and thought I would pass along to encourage others to come:

Reasons to come

1) to feel less alone, to realize there are others like you
2) to meet one other person and exchange contact information
3) to become inspired by another persons story of strength, hope, recovery or motivation
4) to hear strategies others have used for recovery
5) to find resources from others
6) to be heard, to be accepted, to be embraced for who you are
7) to receive specific help in your own struggle from others who know what you are going through
8) to become accountable to others in your recovery

Some people drop in only once, some come regularly. Whatever is comfortable for you is fine with us! There is an amazing power in human connection and knowing you are no longer alone with this horrible isolating disease.